I'm afraid that my T will be disappointed in me...

I feel SO MUCH pain right now, on SO MANY different levels....it's overwhelming and feels intolerable....I can't stop crying and am sinking fast....

I need to try to focus on self-care, but I don't know how....I can barely breathe....

Thanks for your suggestions....I will definitely consider it....I am not in a good state of mind right now....why does this have to happen when T is out of reach....Oh who am I trying to fool, I wouldn't reach out to him even if he was available....it's just too hard.....all of it. Life is too hard.

((((mixed))))

(((((((((mixed)))))))))

mixed, i think your expectations of yourself are a big part of what is making this so hard. i've read where you've talked about the abuse you've suffered and you've really endured some horrible, horrible things that no one should ever have to endure. unfortunately, these experiences have had a big impact on how you now relate to people, so i don't think you can expect yourself to just be able to start setting boundaries perfectly and know how to handle every situation just so. what i'm trying to say is that it is going to take time for you to learn how to do these things, lots of time and that is okay. so, if you can somehow try to cut yourself some slack i think it will actually help you get where you want to go faster than being hard on yourself. sure, it would be great if we all knew how to handle these difficult people in our lives perfectly but we weren't given the tools nor had the skills modeled to us. there is just no way for you to know how to do this yet as well as i know you'd like to. it's ok to mess up and it is part of the process that we all go through. it is just like how you taught your daughter how to walk. i'm sure she fell down many times but she did learn to walk with your encouragement and support. please be gentle and kind to yourself sweetie.

Thanks, bloom....

It's hard to cut myself some slack after being so strong and resisting for a year. A whole year! And especially after all the discussions T and I had about how detrimental it would be to let my ex 'back in', how it would prolong the craziness a whole lot more, etc. Ugh.

My phone woke me up at an ungodly hour this morning due to texts that my ex was sending to me....it's been difficult, but I am doing the work to get back on track. It's hard. Very hard. He is pushing hard to resurrect a relationship....

I know I need to pick myself back up and focus on learning from this...how did I get to that weak place and what do I need to do so that I don't get to that place again - or how to handle the situation better if I do get to that place again.

At the moment, though, I am just incredibly drained....so, for today, I want to just rest my mind. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that, but I am going to try - or at least try to focus on the learning and moving forward instead of dwelling on the emotional pain from it all. I hope I can be successful with that.

After everything that happened, I am feeling proud that I at least did not resort to unhealthy ways of coping....even though the urges were strong at times.

I wish it wasn't Monday. I feel like I could sleep for a week...but no, I have to get to work....ugh.

poppet, i agree that resting your mind is a good idea. is it possible to turn off your phone for the day too? so your ex doesnt constantly intrude? you need some quality down time .

Mixedupemotions,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I'm sure we've all had an experience of doing something in a weak moment that we really regretted later. So we can empathize with you. As much as we try to be a "rock," we're human. And emotions can be pretty powerful. They can defy reason.

I'm sorry your group members were disappointed in you. Their reactions are probably based on their concern for your welfare. They want you to be happy and not caught up in a dysfunctional, painful relationship.

Right now would be a good time for you to ground yourself. There's no need to do anything about the situation right this exact moment, is there? If possible, allow yourself time to calm down. Once your emotions have settled, it will be easier for you to get back into your logical frame of mind and reaffirm your stand.

Try not to take responsibility for your ex's feelings now, or for how your t will feel when you tell him what happened. Deal with your own feelings, and let them deal with theirs. I know it's hard, but it's a boundary thing.

When will you see your t next??

Thanks....

I wish I could turn off my phone, but it's how my daughter is able to reach me. I am trying to detach myself from my feelings about all this for the moment....to give me a chance to rest/recouperate. It's not easy.

Thank you for your empathy and understanding....

I see T tomorrow night during group, but my next individual session is Thursday. Until then, I am taking things a minute at a time....

I'm sorry that you are feeling distressed MUE ..... This is an opportunity to work through some things..........

Yes, it most certainly is an opportunity....but I am so drained that I can't even think straight....this migraine is killing me....I'm having severe neck/back pain....my ex is on the rampage....and I came home to electrical issues that caused everything in my freezer to thaw completely....for the 2nd time in 5 months.

FML

I'm sorry MUE..............

Your T should be there to support you and help you in all the things that are happening and give you some solid professional guidance.

How was group today MUE?

((((((((((( MUE )))))))))) very very soft big safe hugs for you!!!