[WePow]

Ok, so I have been honest with T the whole time. And I advocate it - I know. It does have its rewards for therapy. But yesterday - something - happened. Today things look different though (a little anyway). And I realize how serious that something was. I go to session today in a while and T is supposed to re-evaluate me for work. I need to get back to work because another guy left. The place is crazy at times. Anyway, I am not ready but I need to be ready and I think T is going to push me to get back into the saddle anyway. So I am trying to force it before he can so I don't feel forced.

Long story short, yesterday was a very bad day for me. Went emotionally blank and watched myself and I can't say any more here - but things obviously did not go as I tried to make them go. Something went wrong (right?) and so now I am faced with telling T the truth or not. I do not want to say anything to him about it because I do not want to go to a hospital - they don't know me and they don't get it. I am feeling better today and don't think I will be like I was yesterday for a while. Of course when I start work back I may be. I still am broken with some stuff.

UGGGG - I am not making any sense here but it is the only place I have to ask for opinions and stuff. I keep wanting to erase this because I still am sorta in the frame of mind as yesterday thinking there is no point of even reaching out. Anyone else ever been in this state? What did you do? Did you tell T?

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))) I can understand what you are saying and have been in similar situations. My advice would be to tell T and then talk it out with T. Together you might find that yes, this only happens once in a while and it's okay to go back to work. But the other side is what if you don't tell T, go back to work right now and stuff happens a lot?

You've been honest with T in the past and I think that's the best way to handle it. T can't help you if T doesn't know what's going on. I know it's difficult when things happen right when we think we are making headway, and then hit a wall. Please take gentle care through this. T has your best interest at heart.

[granite1]

(((WEEPOW)))
i know you must be so scared to be going back to work and with everything going on.god knows i would be and also fighting it tooth a nail.but i would definately let your T whare you head is at.it is part of taking care of yourself and trust that he knows what is going to be best for you if you are unable to right now.no matter what the decision is about going back to work i bet he will be thare for you.
wepow going back to work is a real big dael on a bunch of differnt levels

[Perna]

You have to tell T and trust that he and you can discuss it and how you're feeling now and how you present yourself and how he experiences you, etc. will show that, you had a bad experience but have recovered now. Here and now is all that matters. You have to be able to deal with now, especially as you go back to work, and you can use this experience to show that you're going to be okay?

W,

I just want to give you the biggest hug right now.

I don't know you well, but I've noticed that ever since you began discussing going back to work with T, you've struggled in this way...To me they seem intricately linked.

So, to ignore it and not tell T and go back to work before you're ready sounds like a really, really bad idea to me. Like, potentially fatal mistake.

Please tell your T. Let him know that you don't think you need to be hospitalized (if that is the truth), but you need support around this and need help getting to the root of the issue and staying safe.

Also, will you please post here later and let us know that you are okay?

[rainbow8]

(((((WePow)))))

Your health comes before your work. I don't care how much you need it and they need you. I agree with Griffin about it. If you're so stressed and upset, I would suggest being totally honest with T. Is it all or nothing with work? Can you go back part-time or is it already part time? Maybe you need a little more time first. Whatever you decide, please take care!!

[Mike_J]

Sounds like if you tell your therapist you are worried you will be put in the hospital, and if you don't tell you will be forced to go back to work before you are ready.

Can't you make it very clear that you are not ready to go back to work, that the stress will overload you at this moment. Then on your next visit tell your therapist about what you tried to do, by then enough time should have elapsed so that you can't be put in the hospital against your will.

[WePow]

Well - just got back from T. Thank you all for your wonderful help. I read the responses before session and considered them. T could tell something was wrong. I was not about to admit to anything but with his questions and my answers of "no - that is not it" and then "I am not going to say" (for stuff he had correct) ... Well he finally told me that if I was not SU right now that he would not put me in a hospital (he knows that is one of my greatest fears)... so he ended up getting the story the long way. Then we had to talk about the WHY - which goes into a very bad situation that I am still getting info out from my memory - bad bad bad something that I keep saying could never have happened and my alter who holds this memory saying it did happen but then the alter tells me it did not happen and it makes my brain not able to know what is real from what is not. Well T kept me for 35 extra min trying to make sure I was safe - was having major anxiety attacks while talking about THE hidden memory junk. And then he made me promise him with my word that I would not do ANYTHING to SI or harm in any way at all - and that I am not allowed to be alone for now. So I did that. Ugggg... told him "You take all the fun out of it!" and he smiled like he knew I was being a smart @ss. Oh well. I got to do self-care junk (which after that new info came out today that was just more confirmation that the event I am denying actually happened) - well I don't want self-care. I want to not know this stuff!!!! Oh and he did say "We are NOT sending you back to work yet. You are not going to use work to escape this. We need to go through it." So I will see him Monday and talk some more I suppose. I just want it over with. I honestly do not want to know any more about this and I don't want to even think it was real. He said I know the truth. But uuuuuggggg! Just too exhausted with it.

Anyway, thank you all again.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Little WePow....... rest now.

You did so great.

[googley]

(((((((WePow)))))))

I'm so glad you commiunicated with T what was going on. I am glad you are both going to take care of you.

[jexa]

Way to go WePow!!!!! It is amazing to me that you always step up to the plate and let T know what is going on!! I know it is hard sometimes. You are taking such good care of you by being straight up! Awesome!

You were so brave. I'm so glad you found a way to tell him.

Thanks for keeping us posted. I'll be thinking about you and sending you all the hugs I can muster.

I guess "all the hugs I can muster" is actually 12. I got an error message when I tried to include 13 images. LOL

(((((((WePow))))))) Sending you lots of hugs. You are very brave for being so honest with your T. Please keep us updated on how things go.

[WePow]

Griffin - thank you for that laugh about the hugs. I really needed that. :-)

Thank you all again so much for the hugs. This one thing ... if I can make it through this in one piece - then I will believe I can make it through anything. Just a matter of keeping my sanity while the parts come together.

[zooropa]

wepow, I am sorry I wasn't here to post earlier. I am so proud of you for telling your T, and I have no doubt you can continue to walk through this all the way to the end. You are amazingly strong, it comes out in every one of your posts. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Originally Posted by WePow

Griffin - thank you for that laugh about the hugs. I really needed that. :-)

Thank you all again so much for the hugs. This one thing ... if I can make it through this in one piece - then I will believe I can make it through anything. Just a matter of keeping my sanity while the parts come together.

You can make it through this. Don't for one second doubt that please.

Hope the sun is shining for you today.

Wepow, you are so brave! to be that honest with t is awesome and let him take care of you right now. Struggling with si an su is the worst, black hole.
Also trust in yourself. We are usually right about these things! It seems like it is easier not to believe ourselves, but if we try to bulldoze it, it will find its way back home...
Safe hugs and safe self care

[WePow]

Well I am using my coping skills. I wrote about my life on another link from Doc John that I found - dealing only with SU. So the truth is there now. Ugggg. Just too much stuff about the big flashback is there and it makes me think it did happen. And I am not sure why I mentally and emotionally just CAN NOT deal with it. But I am still here and still fighting. So that has to count for something? Right? :-) Thank you all again a ton!!

[zooropa]

god yes, webpow! You are still here and still fighting and still reaching out, that counts for a LOT!