[granite1]

wow,i decided to pull out my old therapy journals that i kept years ago when i was in therapy.i would have thought after so many years that things would have looked a little differnt to me.even with being older and stuff you would think that the way i think about things might have changed.as i read pages after pages i realized that this isnt the case.the only thing that has changed from then untill now is the fact that i no longer use self abuse as a way to cope with things.not that i dont think about it often ,believe me i do.it is just so sad.you would think after 20 years that i would have developed some sort of healthy way of thinking and dealing.no i may not injure myself anymore but everything else about me is exactally the same.as i was reading i even used the same words,i have the same way of thinking,the same issues.i see how i still view things in the same way now as i did then.yes i have learned how to controle my behaviors and i have even read about myself and how i went through that prossess.how i needed to learn how to burry all my feelings and emotions and just about everything that i am to be able to not hurt myself anymore and be able to leave the residental program i was in for years.it is heart breaking to read about the prosses i went through of just destroying who i am to create the person i am today.the people in the program had no idea what i did or how i suddenly became so funtional and was able to move on.through adding layers and layers of deception built on anger, regrets,self loathing,fear,miss trust,emptyness,etc...the bigest thing i descovered is that although i thought i changed i see i didnt.at the core i am still the same defective person.i think what were all those years of therapy for????it seems like nothing.so what i no longer injure myself,that makes it all ok nobody knows my pain anymore.it is all hiden nice and neat.for them job accomplished.BUT IM STILL THE SAME.and now i am affraid i will always be this person.god i read about how i cant talk in therapy,how alone i am,how angry i am .i just read one screwed up view after another and things 20 years later are still the same WOW god i hate myself.

[WePow]

((((((((( Granite )))))))))))))) I had a similar experience this weekend cleaning out my old notebooks. I found journals from my therapy in college days 15 yrs ago and while some things have changed, but I still am ME. I am sometimes not sure if that will ever change. But now you said this and I wonder if you did change but like me, just can't see it?

[granite1]

thanks wepow but im sure the only thing that has changed is my behaviors.im all kinds of socially acceptable now.the core me is till the same damaged person i really am and that is just so scary for me because i really had hope that tings could change

[WePow]

(((((((((((((((( granite ))))))))))))))))) I understand that too....... :-(

[Sannah]

Oh granite, I'm sorry! There are 2 kinds of change, they are both easy and hard in different ways. I guess it depends how you look at it. I know which change that I like better. The most enduring change is the deep change. Really examining stuff and working through it. The other change is mind over matter like, forcing your behavior to change without working the deep stuff. It sounds like you did #2 just to survive. I can just imagine you in that residential program making the decision that you would do what you had to do to get out of there. That really is a strong thing to do for a teenager. What determination and strength that you must have had to carry that off. But now it sounds like you need to do the change that is most enduring and starting to talk to your therapist would be the first step on that journey.

[Perna]

We cannot change how we feel. Feelings are merely information so when we're angry, happy, sad, hurt, etc. that is just telling us how we are perceiving OUR world (does not necessarily tell us about Reality, merely our own reality).

When we were hurt as children and discovered the depth of our hurt when we were older and had more words and good therapy, that does not change the hurt. There have to always be scars, there is no miracle healing as if there was no hurt in the first place; what you see on your body from self abuse is similar to what your "soul" looks like; little white marks of scar tissue. What you no longer see though is open, often infected, wounds.

We will always have our issues, our "buttons" but the tools we develop to keep the buttons from being pushable and the speed with which we can recognize and recover from the old issues, "Oh, that's that old issue again!", that takes a lot of work and is a good job. But that's what living is all about. I like my scars and use them to remind me how far I've come, what I've done (yes, I burnt my arm on the stove but I was cooking a meal, I can cook now, haven't always been able to :-) Every now and then I look for certain ones and just like your tongue explores your mouth during/after a visit to the dentist, I look at my "psychic" scars too, play with the buttons, remember how bad "that" hurt, etc.

I think it's good you kept and reread your old journals. I think it's fantastic that you no longer self abuse; that is a change anything but "only".

[sittingatwatersedge]

Perna thanks for this, it's wonderful. And you said just what I was thinking here >>>

Originally Posted by Perna

I think it's fantastic that you no longer self abuse; that is a change anything but "only".

[Sannah]

Old wounds can heal up pretty good though if we keep working on it. I saw myself heal in layers. I am on probably my 4th or 5th layer of self esteem work. The first layer of healing was hard but very, very therapeutic. It got me to a certain point. The next layer of healing took me further and so on and so forth. I am much, much, much better than I used to be! My level of functioning now is so far from where I started.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Old wounds can heal up pretty good though if we keep working on it. I saw myself heal in layers. I am on probably my 4th or 5th layer of self esteem work. The first layer of healing was hard but very, very therapeutic. It got me to a certain point. The next layer of healing took me further and so on and so forth. I am much, much, much better than I used to be! My level of functioning now is so far from where I started.

I so hope i can ever get to that point it just seems so far away but i do see a lot of people on here that have.it really was a shock to read those and what i am writing today and have it be the absolute same wow.thanks for everyones support it is awsome and really means a lot to me

[Melbadaze]

I think our buttons can be defused though. Sometimes I find myself not reacting in the same ole way to something and then its when I can see the change. Good therapy is the key.

[Chronic]

I did the same the other day with my diary from 2 years ago (when I started with this t), and found the same as you. nothing has changed! I could have written it all last week. I told T, and said that I'm worried I'm going to be one of those people that never changes. He said this is a possibility with me

Its frustrating and make me feel hopeless sometimes, but at the same time if I dont know where I would be now if I didnt have T or therapy. Things would definitiely have got worse. So maybe T has helped me stabilise in my craziness, and maybe I need to trust and beleive that T will help me get "there". Where ever that is.