Ick ick ewwww

I have been reading this thread, not really knowing what to say. Not knowing how I can be of any support. But this comment made me want to say what thoughts came to my mind.......

The session you had with your T was not a waste. Not at all. Your T will dig deep to find and learn ways to help you and probably someone else. Yes, right now you feel icky. Right now you are feeling overwhelmed by all the memories and emotions. And you seem to be thinking that your T is having these same feelings/thoughts about you. But I can guarantee you that she doesn't see you has dirty or icky. The only thing she is probably struggling with is how to help you to not feel that way about yourself.

I wish I knew what to say to lift your spirits.

((((((Jexa))))))

You don't deserved to be scrubbed with scotch-brite. Please be gentle with your body. Whether you intended to or not, I think that counts as self-harm. I know when I have cut in the past I have dissociatated when I was doing it. So there was no real intent. But it was still self harm. Please be gentle with yourself. Have to go for an exam but will come back later.

Jexa,
I also have a problem caused from sexual abuse that my T has never treated anyone with before (and I have never heard anyone ever mention having this problem either). I have often worried that she thought i was disgusting, but she doesn't! She is also very good at helping me to cope with it and understand it. So please don't think that since your t has not specifically treated anyone with this issue, that she cannot help you.

I'd say it depends mostly on whether you ended up with any actual injury (scratches or abrasions or whatever), and to a lesser extent, on whether you expected to end up with any.

Hypothetical example: you think to yourself, "I'm going to rub myself raw with this industrial-grade scotchbrite, that'll learn me!" and then you proceed to tickle yourself with one of those white pads that are mostly nylon with no abrasive to speak of. I'd count that as only virtual SI, comparable to drawing virtual cuts on your arms with a red marker.

Thanks everyone for the awesome support. *sigh* I got all freaked out with guilt when the others said it was SI.. but FZ, I didn't end up with any actual injury. My skin is pretty tough. But it did hurt. But no scratches, no abrasions, although the skin on my legs is all irritated. I didn't mean to hurt myself. I just wanted to scrub off whatever ick feeling was all over my skin and my loofah and my other exfoliating thing weren't making me feel clean.. so I went and got the Scotch Brite pad.. and it made me feel clean.

Peaches, the book hasn't come in yet from Amazon so I'll see if I'm actually able to read it. Typically I avoid these things like the plague but it's time to just *sigh* face it. I don't want to waste my life being so unhappy. I don't know if T and I will work on it together. Honestly I am so embarrassed it will take an effort just to tell her I bought a book on the subject at all!

I am glad I may have inspired you

And as far as T not having the expertise.. *sigh* I think I will ask her more about this next session. Like asking her what exactly her experience has been like so far. How much CSA experience, etc.