Ick ick ewwww

((((((((( Jexa ))))))) For me, I had to accept my personal fact that I will always have the scars from the CSA. It hurt me to know this was my personal truth. I wanted a time to come when it was not a part of ME any longer. UGGGGG

But after I accepted the fact of the situation... something happened on the inside. I found hope. Hope that I will one day have so much joy from life and learn how to be happy "in spite of" the scar damage, that I will one day not even notice the scars are there! It is my hope they will sorta "fade" into the background of who I am as a whole person.

But for me to be able to get to that stage, I have to first clean out the wounds and fully process the trauma in the right way. I have to grieve the loss. I have to be angry with the criminals who harmed me. And I have to allow myself to have T help me make sure the wounds are totally cleansed of the poison. Once that happens, the healthy tissue can form again and even though a scar will always remain, it will not longer be a festered wound. Sorry to be so graphic, but maybe it will help you see it a different way. Big hugs to you from one abuse survivor to another!!

Jexa,

The first time I exposed parts of my trauma story to my T, it felt like I had placed my hand on a hot stove. It was frightening and confusing and painful and I wanted to just run far, far away. The pain was intense.

My story is not a common one, and my T had not heard anything quite like it before in her 25 years of practice. Yet, she has used her skills and helped me tremendously.

Over time, I found I was able to share a bit more and the stove grew cooler to the touch...The more I realized T accepted me and believed me and did not find me icky at all. But it took time. Many many nights of feeling disgusting in my own skin and feeling very alone.

I hope you find some relief soon and get some reassurance from your T that you are not bad. You are not icky.

Jexa,

I am glad you were able to find a more calm space and spend some time with your brother.

For me the re-experiencing of the memories is less traumatic than what I experienced as a child so you can only imagine what I/you had to experience.

I am getting stronger, yep...hmmm, wondered if I'd ever state that...but yep it's true. The idiot, criminal (I like that WP called them for who they are) will not win!

I find that the week in-between each appointment I am working out the issues of the appointment before. Sometimes the appointments are intense and sometimes less so. Sometimes they deal with current things that are intense and sometimes with past things. Typically, my therapist allows me to be the guage of what we will work on that week. Sometimes there are two intense sessions in a row and sometimes not.

I am just so glad you were able to self-soothe eventually. Lol, gotta say the ice cream and wine are good but I also had to find some soothing like stuffies, a walk in nature with my doggy, meeting with a friend and doing art work together, spending time with safe family, making an new healthy meal, taking a soothing specially scented bath with either really loud rockin' music or soft peaceful music, depending on the day.

You are doing great Jexa, you are giving yourself the gift of healing!

Best wishes,

Hunny

As long as you are alive it is not irreparable.

(((( jexa ))))

I'm sorry I haven't been around lately to support you -- and everyone else --Such a tough, grueling process...

I can soooo relate to feeling as though I am irreparable....I hope that's not true for us...

Thanks all. I bought myself some pretty shirts today and now I feel a lot better! I also just bought the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz on Amazon. Has anyone read this? It looks like it might be a good companion to the work T and I will be embarking on. Even though it sounds like it will be ICK and triggery for me! Well I will just have to take it slow.

I sent T an email letting her know I was okay and she responded that she was just about to check in on me, and that she knew this hasn't been easy for me in the least. I feel so cared about.. On Friday she felt like a stranger but now I am remembering how much connection we have. Any disconnection at the end of session was probably because I was mixing up words since I was totally disoriented. Like you said, griffin, it was like putting my hand on a hot stove! It still hurts a lot when I think about it, but I am not thinking about it all the time. It's going back on the shelf until Friday. I am recovering from this disclosure more quickly than I expected!

(((((((( Jexa!! ))))))))) That is just so wonderful to read! I have not read that book but may need to look it up for myself. The fact that you said you are recovering from this disclosure more quickly than you expected says a TON about how well you are doing and how much hard work you are putting into it. That is so awesome to read from you!!!

((((((Jexa))))))

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better. Keep taking care of yourself.

Ugh so I am still going in and out of the gross feelings. I sent T an email that said this:

Please tell me you don't think I'm completely disgusting...

And she said:

Jessica, there is not an ounce in my being that thinks you are even a tiny bit disgusting.

Whyyy does this make me feel WORSE? I feel SO GROSS and nothing makes me feel clean!!!!!!!!!!! OCD is acting up too.

Could it be that even though T doesn't think you're disgusting, YOU feel that you are so you don't believe her?

There is something about T's unconditional acceptance of me, and my story, and who I am, that makes me feel worse sometimes before I feel better.

Maybe it's safe to go ahead and just really FEEL how yucky and gross and awful I think I am when there is this kind of anchor pulling me back. I can go ahead and finally let myself REALLY feel it, because there is someone who will keep me from getting lost in it. And then once I let myself just FEEL it, once and for all, the healing can start, slowly but surely.

But, ugh. I am SO sorry you are in this place. I know you'll get through it, and I also know how terrible it feels in the meantime.

to you. You are being REALLY REALLY brave.

Jexa
I love what your T said in her email.
She really left no room for doubt......
And she is right.

((((((Jexa))))))

I'm so sorry you are still having these feelings. They suck. But they are not true. I know it is hard to believe other people don't believe the same things about us that we do. I'm glad your T replied to your email. She is right.

((((Jexa)))) I love the responses you got. It is all so true- you got it OUT and you dont have to be alone with it. And what a wonderful suggestion to look at yourself the way T would see you or any compassionate person you told this to. But, still, I understand that icky ewww gross feeling regarless of who heard it and how they reacted. The whole sex abuse thing left me with an icky ewww feeling that comes back when I talk about it as if I was right there.
What can you do to get it out? Can you journal about the gross feelings?

About T telling you she has never worked with anyone with the sex problem you are having...Can you ask her what she would do in that case?Would she ask someone who knows more?

I have also felt I wanted to f*** it all and therapy is just too painful and it isnt helping anyway. But it DID seem to pass. I know you wont feel this way forever.

Oh thanks so much everyone. rainbow you are right.. I don't believe her. And Friday is so far away and I know I will be okay but it still just feels awful and I want to just get this over with and I just wish there was a way to feel clean. I just have the urge to scrub all the skin off my body. tree I wish I didn't have to sit in this awfulness but I don't have a choice, so I guess the only choice is just to let myself feel this. What else can I do, anyway?

Work is really hard lately and piling all this together -- finances, family stress, crazy work stress, and this awful therapy ickness -- ugh, it just feels like too much! And I am trying to get stuff together to think about applying for grad school at the end of the year. And I don't really have support in my life or even anyone I know that I feel safe with at all. Times like these I miss my ex so much. I am so lonely and I just wish there was someone, anyone, trustworthy in my life. That I didn't have to pay for. That I got to see more than one hour a week. I'm so glad you all are here.

I wish I could call my ex and not regret it. I just want to feel safe and I don't feel safe alone by myself.

*trigger -- possible SI???*


I feel a little better. I scrubbed myself down with a Scotch Brite pad in the bath.


Edited to add: I did this without thinking.. it doesn't count as SI, right? I was just trying to get clean!

Hmm. I don't know, but I would think it's pretty close.

sometimes we need to SI, and i think it's ok. what you did just is what it is... doesn't change because it's "self harm" or because it's "getting clean" or whatever. it made you feel better and i'm glad you feel a bit better, jex .

im sorry i havent been following this thread sweetie, i'm doing similar stuff right now and it's too triggering for me to offer useful support by reading your posts and other people's responses. i am still sending love, though!!! maybe i can pop in every now and again and send some hugs.

((((((((((((((Jexa)))))))))))))
Ouch.
That sounds like it would hurt. I'm sorry you felt like you had to do that.

But I think to truly be SI, it seems to me there has to be the intent.
Maybe it was close, because it was harmful and it sounds like it did provide the feelings of relief. IDK.

Either way, you don't deserve scrubbing.
You deserve gentleness and care,
You're feelings are not who you are.
And you are a caring, intelligent, sweet and lovely person.

[quote=jexa;1351843I feel a little better. I scrubbed myself down with a Scotch Brite pad in the bath.[/quote]

((((((((((( jexa )))))))) Just stay honest with your emotions and yourself.
Big hugs to you!

"Scotch-Brite™ Hand Pads are the alternative to steel wool that will never rust. Impregnated with aluminum oxide abrasive for fast cut, the durable, 3-dimensional nylon web resists tearing, shredding, and loading for long life."

Aluminum oxide abrasive. Ouch!

Hi Jexa,

I know you're going through a really rough time right now. I admire you for being able to be honest and open with your t. I also think it's great that she responded to your email and was concerned enough that she was about to check on you to make sure you were OK.

My t recommended that same book to me a few years ago. I bought it but have been afraid to start reading it. Avoidance, i know. I keep planning to, but i think i'm afraid of getting triggered. I tried reading The Courage to Heal and found the descriptions of abuse to be too graphic and upsetting. I remember when i glanced through the book you have, though, it seemed like a gentler approach. Have you started it yet? Are you and t going to go over it together or will you do it yourself?

Knowing you might get up the courage to read it and work through things makes me wonder if i might be ready to do this also. . .

Jexa--some hugs for you:

i wish i could take back what i said earlier - i think everything here is a "scotch-brite" and some are super gentle, kind of like exfoliating. thanks pachy for clarifying.
and i agree with darkrunner that you deserve gentleness & care, jex.