Ick ick ewwww

Ugh I feel awful!!! Absolutely sick and awful! T should have told me to wait to drive home. I was all cotton-eared and dissoc from talking about ick ick ick!!! I don't even feel that relief that comes from telling sometimes. Being heard and understood normally makes it bearable to tell...at least somewhat. But all I feel is absolute revulsion. Ewwww!!! I don't know how to stop feeling so GROSS!!

Worst of all T told me she never worked with a person with sex problems quite like mine. She does sex trauma stuff and did her dissertation on sex functioning but she never treated this problem I am having. She seems confident but what if she is wrong???? Just ewwwww and ewwww and

((((((((((( Jexa )))))))))))) BIG hugs to you. I also end up with a bad case of the icks after sex abuse talk with T. It is hard to talk to others about something so personal. Most of the stuff abuse survivors tell a T is stuff we would not even tell a sexual partner! It is just like you said - ick and ewwww.

The good part though is that you DID IT! It is out there and now T can deal with it a while for you. You no longer have to carry this all by yourself. You did the right thing. Just try to stay grounded and do something extra special to reward yourself. This has to happen in order for you to heal. It is no different than having an icky festering toe and having to show it to the doctor so they can treat it. More big hugs!

Jexa, I'm so sorry that your T told you that. I can see how that would be really disturbing. Can you take a shower and climb into comfy warm pjs? I know that helps me when I fell icky. Please take care of yourself. You are worth it. It will be okay. I don't know if you want hugs right now. But if you do let me know and I will send them.

((((( Jexa ))))) safe hugs

You are not the ick. That was the bad stuff done. I have felt revulsion too, at times. I hope you can do some kind things for yourself this weekend. I pray for peaceful thoughts for you.

I really have appreciated the times when my therapists have taken the time to do calming techniques before I leave the sessions. It has been so essential. Usually they take the last half hour to go to some really safe, calm, caring, respectful and peaceful places in the mind. Lots of clouds, blue sky, sun and gardens with beautiful flowers.

Gentleness to you,
Hunny

Thanks for being here for me.. I am so so sad now and nauseous. I feel bad feelings about T.. like who the hell is she, when did she become allowed to know these things, it's like she's on the other side of the world and why did I trust her with anything when she's not even real.. It's not just the memories.. it's the horrible, horrible NOW they've created. And all that happens now.. it's all exposed. All the sick sh**. That sh** is in some stranger's head right now. I really can't f**king take this.

Jexa-
I know it can be so hard after disclosing things. It feels vulnerable and hard to believe that T will understand and wont look at you the same way you feel. But she wont. T cares about you. She knows that none of this is your fault. Even the current situation. Remember how supportive she has been with all of your other disclosures. She will be just as supportive around this one. It is really hard to believe. And hard to not feel disgusting. But she is there for you. Even when she doesn't feel like that. I know it is also easy to pull back and not want to connect. To want to be separate so you don't have to think about her knowing it. I've been there and done that. It is especially easy to get into a rupture to force that space. But she is there for you. She cares about you. She will be there next week. Please take care of yourself.

You are a wonderful person. And deserve all the support in the world. Sharing this stuff is so hard. But it is one of the necessary steps to healing.

Ugh feelings feelings talk.. f**k all of this useless pain. I'm sick of using all these feelings words and psych language. We're all so f**king vulnerable and whatever the f**k. I am losing myself in this therapy.. who decided this crap was any good for people???

Oh, (((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))). I'm sorry it feels SO horrible

Sometimes when I feel really really icky and horrible about something I've disclosed to T, I imagine what *my* reaction would be like if someone told those things to me. And you know, my reaction is NEVER "what a horrible disgusting gross person", my reaction is "there's a lot of pain there" or something equally gentle. And I try to make myself understand that THAT is how T is thinking of ME. Because it is, and it's how your T is thinking of you.

But. The feelings of ick, and of anger....those are REAL. When I feel really icky and angry, I need to do something to discharge some of that pent up stuff inside of me. Sometimes I'll take a big black marker and write page after page after page of whatever angry, mean, hateful thing I want to write, to whoever I want to write it to. They'll never see it, and it helps me calm down inside. Sometimes I drive in my car and SCREAM. I've hit a punching bag with a baseball bat. There is so much ENERGY in all of that "ick" and all of that fear and all of that anger. Is there a way, that isn't harmful to yourself, that you can let some of it OUT?

It won't always feel this bad.

((((((jexa))))))
I'm so sorry. I know how it feels after talking about that stuff. It is horrible. And I know it feels like you can't stand to feel this way, that you can't keep going, but you are. YOU ARE DOING IT. And you can keep on doing it. You have a wonderful community of people here who care about you and understand how you are feeling. Keep talking, we'll keep listening.

I wish I understood where that icky feeling comes from. I know some of it personally but really do not understand why it is that way.

But now you don't have to be alone with it. I have shared the really sick stuff with my therapist too. It's not easy or comfortable to realize that it is in her head and cannot be removed. But, you don't have to carry it alone anymore.

((((((((( Jexa )))))))) I hope you are feeling better today. It really is very hard 24 hours after you tell T the big stuff like that. But yes, you do have to walk through this iiiick right now. If you need to, send T an e-mail and just share how sharing that made you feel. I had to do that when I started my trauma work. There was so much there and the first 6 sessions or so when the "story" began to unfold, it did feel like I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I hated myself for telling T the stuff that I went through. But he encouraged me to tell him that part too. And he reminded me that he was there for me and was on my side.

There is something that will happen the more you open up and share these things with T. It has to do with the fact that you had to keep this stuff so hidden for so long. At first, the pain of telling T is there along with shame and guilt and all the other ick emotions. And for me, it was a huge weight of thinking T would not believe me - I did tell teachers after all when I was a child and one of them even laughed at me. NO ONE believed me. So when I started to tell T, well I automatically thought he was not believing me. I even had to ask him point blank if he believed me. He did. And I was afraid he would somehow punish me for what I was telling him. But he did not do that either. He was very understanding about all of it.

In fact, something happened that had NEVER happened to me before in my life... suddenly I had an advocate! I had a real person who agreed with me that what happened to me was very wrong! And he was mad at the people who hurt me! WOW! I was blown away because he cried a few times hearing about my trauma. And he comforted me and told me it was not my fault. And he did believe me!

It will not be a joy ride for you to get all this out to your T. And you may well hate T and even doubt all your sanity in doing this work. But please keep in the back of your mind that you can make it through. And there are going to be rewards for you that will come your way. You will not see them right now. I didn't. T said he didn't see the rewards when he went through his trauma work. It is a part of the process - the emotional blindness that happens at some point when you start to go through the fog. But stay VERY close to your T right now and stay very honest with your grief and with your processing. You CAN do this.

Jexa all I can say at the moment is I hope the yuckyness is starting to lessen a bit. I experienced an intense wave of ick this week too, I thought having told my story a while back that I had rid me of these feelings. But this week I am again asking myself...does it ever go away? So far my experience has indicated NO. But I do now think that I get less caught up in it than I did before...maybe that is what healing is.

(((Jexa)) I hope these feeling pass quickly for you.

Jexa- Sorry that you are hurting. You described the experience so well, not sure if it is any comfort, but please know reading this thread has helped me feel less alone in all this, too. Hang in there, and do something comforting for YOU.

Thanks all.. I don't really feel better today. Just depressed and thinking T didn't even want to know all that grossness and it's all just disgusting and I'm just disgusting. No one to talk to except you guys.. just want to throw up. I can't think of anything to do to feel better. Emailed T and just said I thought we went too far. Now she's going to feel bad and it's my fault. I just wish I hadn't said anything. What good will it do if she's never ever helped someone else with a problem like mine?? Just ugh. What a waste. I feel like I have a physical sickness. Worse than that. Thanks for the hitting things suggestion tree but I just don't have it in me. The anger isn't like that, and the ick doesn't want to get written down. I don't know what to do with this.

Um... just own it and let it be? Telling T whatever you told her seems to have stirred up some stuff for you:
It sounds to me as if you held off on talking about whatever it was until you were ready to deal with what else was bound to come up for you. If you're there, maybe that's because you're ready to be there. (If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium -- title of a 1960s comedy)
Well, once upon a time she'd never even done therapy before...

Good luck, jexa, but it seems like every time I hear from you you're already making your own!

Jexa- I hope that you are starting to feel better.

((((( Jexa )))))

There is a release point that helps remove the feelings of nausea. Gosh, I wish I could describe it to you and you could give it a try.

I get this nausea too during intense sessions. When I do this release point the nausea is alleviated. It's easy to do...but I just have to find the way to describe it.

Thinking about you,

Hunny

I hung out with my brother today and we had a good talk (about other stuff obviously) and now I'm eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's and drinking wine. I am feeling sort of okay now. Maybe it was okay that I told T this. Maybe we didn't go too far, since I seem to be recovering and now it's just this simple, stark reality. She knows.

I tried to ask her at the end of session, where do we go from here? I was having trouble wording things and she thought I was talking about how we were going to wrap up the session and started saying, "Well, we'll recap what we talked about and.." I told her that wasn't my question but she still didn't get it. I don't know how we're going to treat my problem that is basically this awful re-experiencing trauma thing that has been there since I was 8 years old. It has been there so long and is so entrenched and at the end I didn't have any hope that things would get better at all. Just felt exposed and disconnected since she didn't get my question. I am not looking forward to next session.. plus she is going away for a week after next session too! Blah.

I swear, I don't get how people don't take mental health issues seriously. One conversation made me so physically ill it might as well have been an organic sickness, a medical sickness. Definitely easily as real as anything else.

Jexa,

I am sorry you are feeling so icky about disclosing stuff to your T. I understand your question "where do we go from here" and being upset when T didn't "get" your question. I hate it when Ts don't "get it" but they aren't perfect, so we just have to explain better what we are confused about.

In the session before last I also told my T some "icky" stuff that I didn't want to say. I felt exposed afterward, though part of me had to tell her. I can't believe I told it to her, and haven't brought it up again. I know she didn't forget, though.

I think T's are used to hearing "icky stuff"--details and all, just like a medical dr. is used to seeing people people undressed. My T said she just wants me to feel better. The material doesn't affect them the way it does us. They need to know so they can help. I know that doesn't take away the icky feelings we have about telling a "stranger" our most intimate and private things. But it's for a reason. You're not alone. I hope you feel better soon. And you are definitely NOT disgusting!

That's why they "don't take them seriously": they do not want to deal with them. Easier to avoid.

(((((((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))))))))
I'm glad you're feeling a little better.
I think it is normal for things to be scary right now...you are going into unchartered territory with disclosing things to your T. But it seems like an important step in your healing process.
Try to have patience with yourself and the process, and be gentle with yourself while you are going through this. I know - easier said then done but maybe a good reminder.
I think you are being very courageous.

(((((( jexa )))))) Just keep on being gentle with yourself right now.
There are times when my mind is trying to ask T questions that T is not "getting" right at the time I ask. But he will usually end up saying something to address it the next time. That makes me think he has thought about what I asked him. Big hugs!

Worst of all T told me she never worked with a person with sex problems quite like mine. She does sex trauma stuff and did her dissertation on sex functioning but she never treated this problem I am having.

UGH! I can understand why you are so upset when a T. who claims to have expertise in your issue blurts out an inappropriate statement like this. I can see how you would lose confidence with her and think your time and money and efforts have been lost. You might think from the T's statement that there may be no solution to your issue when, in fact, the REAL issue is that you are with a T who does not appear to have enough experience. It takes a while to find the right therapist. Keep looking.

Oh no no.. first of all she didn't claim to have expertise in my particular problem. I was the one who looked up her dissertation and saw what it was on. She didn't make claims. She's helped other people with PTSD and sexual trauma (and does claim to have expertise in that) but I asked her if she ever helped someone with a problem just like mine and she said no. It's a lot like other avoidance/re-experiencing in PTSD though so she should be able to treat under that framework. I just wish she had specific experience in MY subtype of this problem and she doesn't have it.

I can't look for another T. It took me so long to trust her enough to tell her this. And she's been great so far. It's just I am so worried I am irreparably damaged..,