[sittingatwatersedge]

Why does T say, it's OK to be angry?
Why does she say, It's OK to be angry in here?

Why on earth does she say, "it's OK for you to yell at me" when we both know that what is making me angry isn't about her at all??

It makes me feel ike I am using her as a paid punching bag and here she is telling me that's fine.
It's not fine with me.

[chaotic13]

Maybe because using her (not as a punching bad) but as a way to vent and express and explore your anger is REALLY OK. Maybe your T is saying, you need someone who is safe to displace your anger on at the moment...and she is willing to provide that for you. It doesn't mean that it will always be OK. Maybe she is thinking once the anger has been acknowledge and expressed to her, the two of you can work on finding ways to change the situation that makes you so angry.

[mobius]

Maybe she's trying to demonstrate that she can tolerate any and all of your emotions? Or to allow you to express them fully so that you can process them in a safe space?

Have you let her know it's not fine with you? Might lead to a fruitful discussion.

[WePow]

My T says the same thing and I wondered the same questions you ask.
But I think it is because T is trying to give us permission to feel.
He says to feel is to heal.
For me, I grew up and was abused by my father. But I was never allowed to be mad at him. There was always some excuse for his anger or other behavior. I had to hear my T tell me I now have permission to be angry at my father.
For some reason, that has now opened the door to allow me to be angry with my father.

Just realize that even though some of the things T says might not make sense to us at the time, they are talking to our whole person and not just our conscious mind.

((((((((((((SAWE))))))))))))))

My T used to tell me ALL the time that it was okay for me to get angry at him. It did totally confuse me...why would I be angry at *him*??

But then I did get angry at him, more than once. Which was weird, because outside of therapy, I am not an angry person. The feelings at the time were real, but looking back, I think it was almost like T was a safe place to "practice" being angry. Sometimes we *should* be angry about things that have been done to us, but we don't know how.

I was angry at someone a few months ago, and I realized that it's the first time since starting T that I've been angry at someone who wasn't T . I don't really get angry at him in the same way anymore, but it was almost like it was something I *had* to go through before I could be angry at the people I am actually angry at.

It's hard, isn't it? My T says that being angry is not the same as being "mean". Anger is a feeling just like any other feeling, and it is there to give us information. We can express our anger without being hurtful or making someone our "punching bag". That was a hard thing for me to understand for a long time.

((((((((((((SAWE))))))))))))))!!!

[sunrise]

SAWE, those are such great questions about anger. Have you asked your T those questions? I bet it would be a good discussion. I would be interested to hear what she said. My T hasn't said that to me, but I have been angry at him at least twice, maybe more, and expressed it, and he thought it was great! I think he would be fine with it because it is genuine, and he is big on authenticity. I tend to be rather reserved and contained, so it would be like a step forward if I let anger out. Feeling angry is very scary to me, so if I can experience it in therapy, where it is safe, then maybe I can get over the fear. Maybe it's a bit like exposure therapy, but instead of exposing the client to snakes or spiders, you expose them to their own anger.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Feeling angry is very scary to me, so if I can experience it in therapy, where it is safe, then maybe I can get over the fear. Maybe it's a bit like exposure therapy, but instead of exposing the client to snakes or spiders, you expose them to their own anger.

That is exactly how my T has described the process, Sunrise! It is super scary but if anyone can help me learn to handle anger, it is T.

[gravyyy]

Of course T knows your anger is not about her. That's probably what makes it safest to express it in front of her. If you got angry like that to anyone else, they'd knock you out probably. Sometimes if you've never really explored an exotion, the best time to do it is in therapy where T can be there and help you process things over time. By the end of it, you'll be more comfortable with anger and hopefully learn how to express it in healither ways. Still a hard and confusing process to go through but I wish you the best!!!

[Perna]

Anger is a valid emotion like any other and just indicates there's a "problem". It isn't about the other person at all, it's just a mobilization of your own feelings, lets YOU know you are feeling frustrated, unhappy, anxious, etc. and brings it out in the open so it's easier to see.

Anger is never about the other person. So, if you yell at your T, it's not something your T said or did, it's an "a-ha" moment inside yourself, a lightning flash showing where you're feeling stuck. It's just another tool to help you "see". Because it signals, "problem" you (and whoever you are with, if they wish to, and one's T generally wishes to) can start thinking how to "solve". It can free you up and shift your perspective into action mode.

But anger is a feeling in whoever is angry, not an action. Violence or threats against another, etc. as the result of feeling angry is a bad choice of action when one is feeling angry. For me, when I catch myself being angry, I immediately go into interior hunt mode to see where I am feeling helpless or otherwise anxious. Then I can figure out what I can do to help myself feel more proactive and comfortable/in control. The anger vanishes when I identify the problem and start trying to solve it.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Perna

Anger is a valid emotion like any other and just indicates there's a "problem". It isn't about the other person at all, it's just a mobilization of your own feelings,.........Anger is never about the other person. ..........

this sounds as if no one in life is ever inconsiderate, rude, manipulative or even malicious....? Is there a place in the world like that?

Everyone thank you so much for your comments & suggestions. yes this will be topic next time I see T. In the meantime I can look at your different viewpoints & see what understanding I can reach myself. You PC folks are the best

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

this sounds as if no one in life is ever inconsiderate, rude, manipulative or even malicious....? Is there a place in the world like that?

It's true though. It is OUR emotion. OUR reaction to something going on.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

It's true though. It is OUR emotion. OUR reaction to something going on.

Of course we do have emotions and reactions. But something is not adding up. No one can have an impact on us, it's just us reacting?!

let's take some concrete examples, SA, or CA (or even CSA); am I hearing that one's (huge) anger about experiencing this is never about the other person, it's only the victim's problem if they have an adverse emotional reaction? this makes no sense. To me this sure sounds like blaming the victim.

Now and then, in my general reading about therapy, I do get a whiff of this kind of belief - that some Ts may actually believe the client/patient is responsible for the effect that others' actions have on them - and I strongly protest. These authors say nicey nice stuff ike, "no one can make you unhappy. Only YOU can do that" but tell that to the people here on PC (so many names come to mind) whose worlds were simply shattered. They didn't do it, somebody else did. All they can do is try to stitch the pieces back together somehow, and heal as much as possible.

Other people's actions are seldom neutral, but will affect others for good or for bad. It IS perfectly possible for other people to do things that impact us, just as we have the capability of impacting others. Nobody can just do whatever comes to mind and then say that they don't want to hear about it, it's all in the emotion, the reaction, of the one done to, and is never about what they did.

I don't think that Perna meant this or you either FG. Surely not.

Perna said, >> So, if you yell at your T, it's not something your T said or did, it's an "a-ha" moment inside yourself, a lightning flash showing where you're feeling stuck. It's just another tool to help you "see". <<
and I agree with this BECAUSE it's happening within the therapeutic dyad, with transference deliberately engaged etc.
But it doesn't follow that >> Anger is never about the other person..
OK folks, off my soapbox now

But anger isn't a "bad" reaction; it just is. Sure we respond with anger toward certain situations; that doesn't make it bad.

But, if your anger is out of proportion, irrational, or maybe your coping mechanism isn't healthy, that's all on you. That isn't about blaming the victim, but it does say that if you want to get beyond victimhood, you have to learn how to get through those feelings in a way that doesn't hurt yourself any further.

We can't change what someone did to us. All we can work on is how we have been affected by what has happened. That means we have to get in touch with our own emotions (our reactions to what happened). That is all we have control over. That doesn't mean our reactions are bad or wrong necessarily. They are what they are. But when we carry those emotions so long that they affect us now, years later, then we need to work on that. We don't want to live buried under than emotion forever, do we? I want to work through those emotions and move on myself. That takes lots of time and LOTS of therapy.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Now and then, in my general reading about therapy, I do get a whiff of this kind of belief - that some Ts may actually believe the client/patient is responsible for the effect that others' actions have on them - and I strongly protest. These authors say nicey nice stuff ike, "no one can make you unhappy. Only YOU can do that"...

I think that maybe that is literally true, but only true in practice for a very mature, emotionally aware adult. As a child I suppose no one can MAKE you angry, but in practice few if any children have the insight to not react that way to what seem like "deliberate" provocations.

(I put quotation marks around deliberate, because that implies that the offender is in full control and fully knows why they are acting. That puts too much power with them, though of course it is often not easy to discern that they actually do not feel powerful.)

This seems to me to be a case where people, T's especially, need to phrase things very carefully, so that they don't create misunderstandings. I don't know many who understand enough to do that.

(SAWE, you may be surprised when you discover some day that someone is trying to make you angry, and they fail, because you see what they are trying to do. I think that day may come sooner than you expect. )