[Chronic]

So I emailed T on Sat night with a post that I had written in the depression forum. It talked about sui thoughts and wishes, and T doesnt really know to what extent I feel ike this. I wanted to let him know what is going on because after last session I felt that he wasn't really "getting" me.

It's now Mon evening, and I havent heard from him, and I feel angry with him. It feels like he doesnt care enough (which is how I feel any way) and that Im not at all important to him. Usually if I email him I am ok (ish) with not getting a response straight away, and we talk about how difficult it is for me to wait for his response, but this time I told him how desperate I feel and that I am really struggling, so I thought he might respond more quickly.

I get that its been the weekend and he might be busy etc, but when I feel that its more important than other emails I have sent, I feel like the way he is with me in t, (ie understanding, accepting, caring etc) is all fake and shows that he is just faking it in there.

So, what do you think- am I being too demanding to want a quicker response. Is my anger an overreaction?

[sittingatwatersedge]

just my $0.02, and maybe because i am the suspicious you know what that I am,

I am coming to the conclusiion that the reason my T doesn't answer me in a timely manner is precisely because she knows it is such a trigger for me, and wants to watch what happens.

If she changed her ways, and responded within a day or two, I wouldn't blow up, and she wouldn't know if my calm was just because of lack of trigger, or whether I have finally worked through what lies at the bottom of the reaction to the trigger.
signed - LabRat (not having a very good day with this, can you tell)

Your experience may of course be very different.

[WePow]

(((Chronic ))) I also had issues with sending e-mails that were very painful and then no response. Usually, it let to my spiral and SI. But it was not just the no-response - it was the situation I wrote about. Uggs. Anyway, I also wondered about what sitting just said - I wonder if T is just watching to see if I will go over the edge or not on my own. That is fine too. It did bother me, but now I am fine either way. When he does respond, it is that much more important to me.

If he's like me, he doesn't check his work email over the weekend (he may have a different personal email account) and may not have even seen it yet. If you are having suicidal thoughts and plans, that is really call for a phone call rather than an email. You really should call him.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

just my $0.02, and maybe because i am the suspicious you know what that I am,

I am coming to the conclusiion that the reason my T doesn't answer me in a timely manner is precisely because she knows it is such a trigger for me, and wants to watch what happens.

If she changed her ways, and responded within a day or two, I wouldn't blow up, and she wouldn't know if my calm was just because of lack of trigger, or whether I have finally worked through what lies at the bottom of the reaction to the trigger.
signed - LabRat (not having a very good day with this, can you tell)

Maybe the LabRat can put the T under the microscope?

I don't believe you are expecting too much from T. But I do believe you are making some assumptions about T. You're assuming he read the email and chose not to respond for whatever reason. Or doesn't want to respond.

But what if he hasn't read the email yet? Or what if he read it and wants to respond but there is something preventing that right now?

I think your feelings of anger and disappointment are completely natural. But if the issue is THIS important--and SU is, in my opinion--then you need to pick up the phone and call T. When you call, you can say "I'm disappointed I haven't heard back from you, and this is what is going on with me, and I need some support..."

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

If he's like me, he doesn't check his work email over the weekend (he may have a different personal email account) and may not have even seen it yet. If you are having suicidal thoughts and plans, that is really call for a phone call rather than an email. You really should call him.

I agree with farmergirl. If you feel that bad you should call. My T specifically told me that one reason she didn't want to email with me was because of my expectations and reactions if she didn't reply as soon as I wanted. She also told me that there are 2 reasons not to email when suicidal (1) because she might not respond right away and (2) her lawyer told her that it would make her liable if I killed myself after telling her via email. That is he policy No email.

So I think that email can be a great tool to let your T know how you are feeling but when it is bad it shouldn't be used.

[chaotic13]

I totally understand how challenging it is when you have no response to a significant email. This happened A LOT in the past for me. When my T would not respond the noise in my head would come up with all kinds of reasons why. 90% of these reasons were TOTALLY wrong.

I know everyone's situation is different so these may not be the same for you. But here are a few things I've learned;

1) The reasons I come up with for why I got no response were nowhere near the truth. My T wasn't sitting back waiting for me to explode or trying to see how I would react. My T wasn't trying to punish me for emailing too much. My T wasn't so shocked/disgusted/angry/dissappointed/etc with what I wrote that she didn't know how to respond.And my T wasn't trying to send me a subtle message that outside of the 1hr every other week that, she really couldn't care less if I was struggling. There are a lot of non-negative reasons why some email messages are replied to, some tagged for in-session follow-up, some just acknowledged and shelved. I don't always know why unless it bothers me enough to ask about it. Then its discussed and put to bed.

2) Dispite how important and how clearly worded I thought some of my email messages were, I don't think my T really understood some of them. Often when I eventually followed up with my T about how I was struggling she would sometimes things like, "I did realize you were having so much trouble with that.You need to tell me these things, I need to check in better with you before you leave."

3) I have come to realize that there are some messages that my T will simply not respond to. IDK if it is a specific technique or if she is just exercising her option not to address things via email. For me, when I send an email that contains self-attacking/ self loathing content generated from my abuse "parasite", my T does not respond and often doesn't mention those emails directly during our sessions, unless I seem to be stuck listening to its BS. IDK by her doing that, I can now usually self identify messages written by the parasite now. This noise is just crap and really doesn't warrant a response.

The hardest part of this learning process for me was that I was bullheaded and would not ask my T directly about things. And I would bury stuff in email instead of tell her when I was there in the session. As hard as it is to do, I now GET that if I'm really struggling...I need to speak to her about it because the message often doesn't get understood otherwise. Personally that is one thing that I totally HATE about therapy.

[deliquesce]

oh man, that sucks. i HATE waiting so much, so so so much.

but like farmergirl said, he probably hasnt even checked his email yet. or maybe he has and he's forgotten to reply (my pdoc does this often - not so bad these days - but he did forget to call me back once when i was absolutely desperate. he was mortified and could only say that he'd just checked 33 voicemails and mustn't have seen my name down in his scribbly handwriting needing a call).

like the others, i'd encourage you to call T. i know how difficult that can be - especially when you've tried to show him a part of you that you don't think he's entirely aware of - but if things are that bad sweetie then you need to be having more immediate contact. something that sometimes helps me when i'm debating whether to call is to ignore all the times pdoc let me down (and i've been with him for 5yrs, so there have been many which spring to mind) and to try and remember all the times he's been there for me (which have been many, many more).

has there been even one instance where you've felt all of Ts compassion and caring has been genuine? hang onto that memory and give him a call .

and keep us posted here, i'm worried about you too.

[Chronic]

Thanks everyone. I am still waiting for T to get in touch. Still having the thoughts but am trying to keep them under control (not very well).

Anyway, I also wondered about what sitting just said - I wonder if T is just watching to see if I will go over the edge or not on my own.

SAWE and Wepow- I cant believe your Ts would do that to you. It seems cruel to me, maybe like game playing? I am pretty sure T wouldnt keep me waiting to see how well I cope, but I might just mention that if I see him again

If he's like me, he doesn't check his work email over the weekend (he may have a different personal email account) and may not have even seen it yet. If you are having suicidal thoughts and plans, that is really call for a phone call rather than an email. You really should call him.

farmergirl- I know T doesnt check emails over the weekend, but I was hoping he would read and respond yesterday. I know this is irrational thinking, but if T doesnt want to respond or hasnt had time to respond yet then I dont want to contact him again, I dont want to be "chasing" after him for help. I know this is my faulty thinking, but that the way I feel.
When I have called him before, for similar reasons, it has taken him 2 days to call me back and he didnt really help. We did talk about it afterwards, but I have lost confidence in him responding like that

But I do believe you are making some assumptions about T. You're assuming he read the email and chose not to respond for whatever reason. Or doesn't want to respond.

But what if he hasn't read the email yet? Or what if he read it and wants to respond but there is something preventing that right now?

But I do believe you are making some assumptions about T. You're assuming he read the email and chose not to respond for whatever reason. Or doesn't want to respond.

But what if he hasn't read the email yet? Or what if he read it and wants to respond but there is something preventing that right now?

I think your feelings of anger and disappointment are completely natural. But if the issue is THIS important--and SU is, in my opinion--then you need to pick up the phone and call T. When you call, you can say "I'm disappointed I haven't heard back from you, and this is what is going on with me, and I need some support..."

griffin- Yes, you are right, I am making crazy assumptions because i cant stand the "waiting game" my mind goes into overdrive and my thoughts get more and more irrational. Thats why I dont email T as much anymore.

really should call him.I agree with farmergirl. If you feel that bad you should call. My T specifically told me that one reason she didn't want to email with me was because of my expectations and reactions if she didn't reply as soon as I wanted. She also told me that there are 2 reasons not to email when suicidal (1) because she might not respond right away and (2) her lawyer told her that it would make her liable if I killed myself after telling her via email. That is he policy No email.

So I think that email can be a great tool to let your T know how you are feeling but when it is bad it shouldn't be used.

emilyjeanne- If I knew T was more reliable with his phone contact I would phone instead of email. SOmetimes I wish T had a no emial policy too, it would surely save me from the hell of waiting for his response.

The hardest part of this learning process for me was that I was bullheaded and would not ask my T directly about things. And I would bury stuff in email instead of tell her when I was there in the session. As hard as it is to do, I now GET that if I'm really struggling...I need to speak to her about it because the message often doesn't get understood otherwise. Personally that is one thing that I totally HATE about therapy.

chaotic- this is exactly how I feel. I am terrible at directly asking for things. THanks for your points, I think I get into the same situations as you. I am trying to hold on to the thought that T has not yet read the email or is thinking of a response.

has there been even one instance where you've felt all of Ts compassion and caring has been genuine? hang onto that memory and give him a call .

and keep us posted here, i'm worried about you too.

deli- thank you. Im sure there have been many time when T HAS been genuinely caring and compassionate, but I never believe it, so I havent really got that memory. Its the bad memories that stick

I am hanging on, hoping that what everyone here has said will come true, and T will eventually respond. I dont even know why I bothered to contact him- he couldnt care less anyway. I will have to find another to cope for now. Ugh. I HATE this.

Why haven't you picked up the phone and called him? That would probably elicit a quicker reply.

[Chronic]

I called T today. He said he was checking his emails as I rang, and did spot it but hadnt read it yet. anyway, he read it while I was on the phone, and said yes he did understand, that we have to work through it together, and that he is very concerned for me. He let me talk for as long as I needed and said he was glad that I called. So I feel a little better knowing that he is there, and obviously knows more than I think. He wants me to think of ways he can convey to me that he understands so that I feel supported.

Thanks everyone for your replies.