[rainbow8]

I feel kind of crummy. I shouldn't have used that word in the title of my other thread, telling the world about my issues. This whole addiction/needy stuff is so depressing, and I feel like I'm "bad" for wanting some kind of fantasy world from therapy. Maybe "sick" is a better word. All kinds of thoughts and feelings are coming up for me, and we didn't even do EMDR last week. I know the feelings belong in my session, not here, but I can't stop. I don't mean I'm a bad person, but I'm bad for looking her up online, and bad for wanting to use therapy to make me feel alive. Bad and wanting/needing to be punished. I don't know exacty what it is, but I want to scream or something. I know this makes no sense, and by Tuesday the feelings may be gone. Or else they will be worse. I'm thinking of my fantasy about running around Ts office, destroying things, so she has to stop me and then she hugs me. I haven't thought about that for a long time. I've got to go cook now--back to reality and distraction for a while.

[granite1]

rain I have a pritty good idea of how you are feeling and it is ok your not bad for wanting this.this is why you are in therapy.im not the best person to ever give advice but i do know you arnt bad and be kind to yourself

[fieldofdreams]

You must be in my head, Rainbow. I've had that same fantasy!

[ECHOES]

((rainbow))) As my T has said to me, 'Trust the process'. I think these things coming up for you are really important.

We learn about ourselves when we see what we wish for in fantasy. It is about something very important to you. The feeling bad about wishing for it is separate, and may go back very far. It is something to embrace as a wonderful part of you.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, ECHOES. It seems like I am alone with these feelings, and not getting much support here, so I appreciate your answering me. I also think the things coming up are important; that's why I'm feeling uneasy and unsettled. Everything is all jumbled up in my mind, and I want to be there in Kt's office, sitting on her comfortable couch, right now!

[ECHOES]

You're welcome rainbow.
You know, I had been thinking of another of your posts because I have been thinking how much I admire (and envy) your eagerness, sponteneity, and openness in your therapy.
I was sad to read that you were feeling crummy. It is hard to sit with crummy feelings.

[rainbow8]

Thanks again, ECHOES. I do have to get to sleep--it's late where I am, but I want to thank you for what you wrote in Solarwind's thread. I replied to her, and quoted what you wrote about transference.

I feel compelled to be honest in therapy. I was with Bt and now with Kt, but more so with Kt. I am scared of being so honest, though. I don't know where it's leading, and I'm so afraid. I know there's nothing traumatic in my past; it's more that I fear my feelings. Something is still bottled up inside and I can't stand it. I can't stand to wait for my sessions. But, I could be making it all up because I am "using" therapy that way, for the intense feelings. Even if that's the issue, it's still something wanting to come out. I feel like I'm leading a double life. No one in RL would ever imagine I have these thoughts and feelings. It's so unlike me!! I would be so ashamed if anyone in RL read my threads and knew it was me.

[Melbadaze]

I remember telling T about my "dirty secret, the one that had solved me to sleep for most of my adult life, the one where my "special person" of the moment would come to me as I lie dying. Once I told T that she said about me feeling like I am not entitled to just be loved, that I have do something to earn it.

It took me 5yrs to talk about that. I can still use moments that have happened in therapy to soothe me to sleep though, the difference now is they are coming from a more real place.

[TayQuincy]

A long time ago with an different T, I used to have that kind of fantasy. I think it was a containment fantasy because i felt so out of control and wanted my T to comfort me. I once did run around her office like a crazy woman and she just got mad and made me leave early.

Have you ever told kt about your fantasy? I wish I couldve just told it instead of trying to act it out because i think it says something important, yet doing it only stressed her out. But I think she could have helped me better if i talked about it honestly.

If i allow myself to indulge in fantasies about my current T, they are more around me trying to help her instead of the other way around. I think i would like to find myself in a position where she is in need of me, for whatever reason. I don't know what that is really about.

I really admire your honesty about what goes on inside you rainbow. Even when you know it might be risky, you disclose it because you really want to learn and change. I know you said you feel crummy and shouldn't have used that word in your other thread, but i say yes you should!! Your open-ness will only help you to find the answers you are looking for.