[Amazonmom]

I seem to have developed an embarrassing pattern with my T. I have a triggering event, I act like I am fine, then I email my T later with what I call emotional vomiting... huge rants about yukky things.

I have done this twice. The first time I had just had a miscarriage, felt sick from the H1N1 vaccine, and was feeling absolutely horrible emotionally. So I act like things are okay in T (which I thought I was ok), then go home and write this huge email confessing s******* thoughts and such. Then I was so embarrassed! Facing T after that was AWFUL and I thought I would die or vomit or something. I didn't die or vomit but I did get a very direct question about S******* thoughts and intent.

OOPS I did it again today. What would have been my due date is coming up...June 5. Four of my friends at work are having babies in may or June. Yesterday in T I felt okay, and actually was happy about getting clothes that fit. I am very tall and finding clothes that fit is hard! My new jeans are so long I can wear heels with them... I told my T about how my hubby and I joke about my hypersexuality while on zoloft. If he threatens to put zoloft in my drink, I tell him to buy Viagra so he can keep up.... My T says that is a sign of acceptance and that many of her clients never get to that point.

I got home and ended up with migraine and a stomach bug. I feel like crap today and emotionally vomited all over an email to T today. I basically ranted on to her about how she shouldn't think I have accepted having bipolar, that I hate myself when i take my meds, that my dreams are all dead, that I will never be allowed to be the mom I wanted to be, just huge emotional dumping that I didn't realize was in there.

I thought she wouldn't reply until this evening when she usually reads email. I even said in the email I knew she would want to address this next week in session. I forgot that she has a different schedule on Wednesdays and reads her emails at noon. CRAP!!!! She replied that she wants to respond but she wants it to be in person ( I knew that).

Now I am in trouble....

[pachyderm]

You are not in trouble. (At least I hope your T is good enough so that you aren't.) If there were not things to work on, why be in therapy?

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

just huge emotional dumping that I didn't realize was in there....

Now I am in trouble....

Ah yes, the delayed emotional dump. Yep. I know all about that! My T doesn't have email, so I leave letters at his door. Usually these letters describe, in detail, the latest emotional upheaval that I am having, but had absolutely no idea was even going on in my head.

We are working on synching up the feeling with the timing.

On the other hand, sometimes it just hard to lose it with another person (even my T) around.

I, too, have my doubts that you will be in trouble at all. I don't think you have anything at all to be embarrassed about either. How you feel is how you feel. When it surfaces is when it surfaces.

Like Pachy said, if there was nothing to work on, well then, we wouldn't be in therapy. Very wise words indeed.

I really think it'll be alright.

.

[googley]

(((((((((amazonmom)))))))

I totally know the feeling of saying I'm fine in T and then not being fine later. I don't think this is unusual. I'm sure your T will be supportive.

[Amazonmom]

You guys are very helpful! I thought I was the only one that did such a thing.

I almost cried thinking that T will be very disappointed in me and will punish me. She is a good T and does not treat me badly so I am not sure where this feeling comes from. I bet some transference is going on...

(((((((((((((amazonmom))))))))))))

I used to have a pattern where I would just feel so GOOD to finally be with T, that I would really feel fine in session. Then, when I would leave, all of the things that I didn't deal with when I was with him would come up. And yeah, there would be e-mails or phone calls or whatever. It's hard.

Something that I started doing a long time ago, which has helped, is checking in with myself during session to see what I might be upset about when I leave. T and I kind of pause, and I visualize myself leaving and NOT being with T anymore, and I see what comes up. I just kind of do that naturally now, I guess because I've finally trained myself

You're not alone, Amazonmom. Be gentle with you

[Amazonmom]

I may use your technique, Treehouse. I have noticed the same issue with me...I am so glad to see her that I don't work on the things I was thinking about before the session.

Then I feel like crap.

[rainbow8]

I've always been like that. I would be fine in the session, but as soon as I left I'd cry, and I'd have to call T and tell her how bad I felt. With my new T, I feel the need to email her after each session telling her how I feel. Stuff comes up right after I leave!

I really like what Pachy said. My T said almost the same thing when I told her I was embarrassed about my repeating the pattern with her. She said "that's why you're here" and "I'm going to help you." I'm sure your T feels the same way.

[3velniai]

I've been seing T for more that a year now, and I do this every single week. Seriously. With no exceptions. My T always says tnat it would be nice if I could talk about it in session, but writing emails is better than keeping it all inside.You're not in trouble, it will be ok.

[sugahorse1]

i tend to always have an app with my pdoc when i'm fine - then a few days later i have to phone and tell her i'm losing it
it's frustrating and irritating

[Melbadaze]

Yes I'm part of this "club" also. What I've found is that eventually I've felt so awful about the desperation in the email, that I've had to force myself to acknowledge it in f2f also, and thats so difficult.

[mobius]

Yep, been there, done that. Although as my connection with my therapist is growing stronger (after almost 3 years of therapy), it happens less. I still find myself *wanting* to email, but it feels more like an old habit than a necessity.