[zooropa]

Like treehouse, I had a 90min session w/my T this week. I did like the longer time, it let me really get into some deep feelings and still have time to get grounded at the end. But, oh man. It was soooo hard.

I cried, a tiny bit, which never happens. I am waiting and waiting for the day when I can cry about this stuff we're working on. I think crying, even a tiny bit, this week was a step in that direction.

I remember telling T how bad I feel about dumping my story on her, I said: "it's such a mess, nobody wants to think about that. Nobody should have to look at that. It's like making someone look at a dead body." And that's when I cried, and looked at her, and said "I'm sorry. I'm sorry!"

I wish I had the exact words she said to me then, I was so lost in my head that I don't remember it all but she said I never have to apologize for telling her things, and that she is honored that I trust her that much.

I told her things, just a couple small (seeming) details that are freaking me out now. I feel so dirty and ashamed and GROSS for telling her. It was just about some of the physical things I went through as I was healing from the SA. But it feels so gross, like I want to throw up when I think about her knowing that, about anyone knowing that, about me.

I am torn between wanting to call her to tell her how bad that feels and just thinking I'll get over it and I should just suck it up.

anyway, I haven't looked at my notes that I wrote after the session yesterday but that's what stands out right now. It was long, and hard, and good in that "wow, this hurts, but I know I need to do it and I think I CAN do it" kind of way.

(((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))

You can do it, and you ARE doing it. Wow. You are so brave!

I remember when I was telling my story to T, I would feel SO icky and gross and scared after sessions. For me, it helped to go to my next session and see that nothing had changed. *T* didn't think I was icky or gross. I sometimes e-mailed or called between sessions because I was so scared he was going to send me away or like me less or whatever, but the only thing that REALLY made a difference was going and sitting in that room with T and being accepted and cared for no matter what.

It seems like I've finally internalized that T's feelings about me aren't going to change based on the things that were done to me. And that T doesn't think I am icky or gross, and never will. It took time.

Hang in there. You are doing it...and that is HUGE.

[dance59326]

sometimes the therapist is there to listen to you, not necessarily fix things, yes venting is good, but you have to accept what happened. Here's a long post that might help you, message me anytime

[dance59326]

Letting go of Painful Emotions:

Letting go of emotional suffering associated with negative emotions is not the same thing as letting go of the emotions themselves. Letting go of the suffering is a process that we can learn.

We do not mean pushing away or sitting on the emotions. The emotions are valid, and represent experiences and interactions that were or are painful. What we are talking about is dealing with these emotions in a new way that will relieve some of the suffering that goes with them.

In learning to let go of our emotional suffering, we use the mindfulness skills that we have practiced before, the observe and describe skills. We learn to get some distance from our emotions, to stand back and observe them. If we can get distance, we can see them more clearly.

Try getting some distance from a painful emotion that you have. Put it over there and look at it, maybe as if it were on a screen or a stage. Describe in words what the experience of that emotion is like. This also helps to give you distance and perspective.

By looking at your emotions, you are exposing yourself to them, looking and describing, not necessarily acting on them, and not being swallowed by or overwhelmed by them.

[googley]

((((((Zoo))))))

You were so brave to tell your T what you did.

[peaches100]

Zooropa,

Good for you for trusting your t enough to tell her some really hard stuff! I know that after telling her those things, you probably feel like !! But it's important stuff to get out in the open. T's are trained and equipped to listen to painful experiences. Far from thinking you are bad or gross, as she said, she feels honored that you can trust her enough to share your feelings with her. Keep reminding yourself of that when you start fearing that she'll think less of you. And as Tree has experienced, the more you are able to open up to your t and see that her caring and commitment to you aren't lessening, the more your trust and safety in the relationship with grow. And it's that kind of trust and safety that makes it easier to do this difficult healing work.

[peaches100]

Dance59326,

Thank you for that quotation. It was helpful for me also.

[Sannah]

Zoo!!! I'm so glad that you are finally able to start this. Good Work!!

[WePow]

Zoo ... that is really so awesome that you opened your heart like that. It takes a whole lot of courage!!

[zooropa]

I talked to my T last night and told her that I was worried that she thinks less of me or thinks I'm bad or gross for the things I shared with her. Wow, that was hard to say. I think I had to stop and start about 5 times and I'm sure she wondered what the heck I was trying to say, until I finally got it out.

She said she doesn't think less of me. That she doesn't think I'm bad. Or gross. She said she suspects part of why that is coming up for me is because I've spent so many years not talking about this stuff, that it's a boundary I have set for myself and now I'm crossing that boundary and it feels "wrong". YES. That was exactly right! I told her "part of me is screaming: we don't talk about this. WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS."

I wonder where that "we" comes from? I don't think of it as "I don't talk about this", it's very definitely a "WE". Huh.

Anyway, T went on to say that she not only doesn't think less of me, she admires me for having the courage to do this work. She said she is impressed with my strength and courage. She said I am a survivor. T is so good at the cheerleading thing.

[Sannah]

Very good work Zoo!!

[Amazonmom]

That was very brave of you, good job.

[googley]

((((((Zoo)))))
Maybe the 'we' is you and your abusers. I know I think we even though it is I when I don't want to talk about things. Growing up 'we' were never allowed to talk about what was going on. So it always comes up that we are not allowed to talk about it. Even when it is just me.

[zooropa]

wow, googley. Maybe you are right. All these years, it's just been me and him who knew about it. In my head, anyway. Obviously there were doctors and nurses and police officers who knew, but I didn't think of them, forgot that whole aftermath for so so so long. But maybe in my head, all along, I knew it wasn't just ME who knew the truth, and that is where the WE comes from. Either way, if it's WE or I, there was no talking about it. And I think that is why it's so hard now, why I feel so bad and wrong right now. Because I'm violating that rule that I lived by for years and decades. And I know I have to violate it, I have to tear down that wall, but like I told my T last night, sometimes I fear all my walls are what's holding me up. Without the walls, what will I be??

I'm starting to have some hope, some dreams, some plans for the future. And that is scary, so scary. If I had no hopes and dreams, I had nothing to lose. If I start thinking I will have a future, it can be just another thing for me to lose.

this is so hard.

[googley]

Originally Posted by zooropa

wow, googley. Maybe you are right. All these years, it's just been me and him who knew about it. In my head, anyway. Obviously there were doctors and nurses and police officers who knew, but I didn't think of them, forgot that whole aftermath for so so so long. But maybe in my head, all along, I knew it wasn't just ME who knew the truth, and that is where the WE comes from. Either way, if it's WE or I, there was no talking about it. And I think that is why it's so hard now, why I feel so bad and wrong right now. Because I'm violating that rule that I lived by for years and decades. And I know I have to violate it, I have to tear down that wall, but like I told my T last night, sometimes I fear all my walls are what's holding me up. Without the walls, what will I be??

I think your walls have supported you to get to where you are now (gotten you through so much that has been so hard), and so as you take them down, you will be able to build yourself up as you take them down so that you can support yourself. You wont need the walls to support you. But it will be a slow process to do it. To bring them down and build up at the same time. But I believe you can do it.

I'm starting to have some hope, some dreams, some plans for the future. And that is scary, so scary. If I had no hopes and dreams, I had nothing to lose. If I start thinking I will have a future, it can be just another thing for me to lose.

I have this same fear. That if i hope for something better then I will leave myself open to being hurt. But without hoping and dreaming there isn't an opportunity for something good to happen. I know it is harder to do than it is to say.

this is so hard.

It is hard. But we are here to support you along with your T.

[Sannah]

Very good insights Zoo.