[mixedup_emotions]

I have been going through quite a rollercoaster lately...and I feel like I'm in a tornado of emotions that I'm dodging. So, I'm just going to stick to one at a time and try to explore them....(Thanks for indulging me, )

T is away this week at a conference relating to his work. I am not angry with him for being away or for not being able to have my session this week or group T. I was upset the other day about him being away because I felt myself sinking, the depression looming, and it was upsetting to feel that he wasn't around to support me - even though I struggle with letting him "in" to support me. UGH.

Anyway...

I keep thinking to myself that I don't need to go back to T next week. Give myself a break for more than just this week....I then started to explore why I would want to do that....Here are the ideas I've come up with, but I'm struggling with allowing myself to "feel through them" to see if they fit. *sigh*

1. This one I KNOW....I don't want to face having to talk about the email exchange that we had prior to him leaving, which he said we would talk about in my next session. I told him in this email that I was feeling anxious and jittery - and am not sure if it was related to him being away - but that I get upset when I think about it. I am avoiding the idea of having that discussion with T.

2. I want to feel independent. When I come to PC, I know that others are genuinely supportive because they are like me, with similar issues or feelings or experiences, and can really relate. It's different with T. It's such a different level of power, I guess...and I don't like feeling less powerful.

3. This one's a bit immature....but maybe I want to be missed. I want someone to feel concerned about me....It's silly, I know. T does care about me. And my group members care that I am there, although it's a different kind of caring.

4. I want to run away from being in touch with my emotions. I am angry that all this stuff is festering and I am too fearful to explore the real issues...so not going to T or group T would allow me to not feel....

I'm sure there could be other reasons....but if anyone has any feedback, I'd love to hear it....I am not sure all of the above fits...as I mentioned, I haven't given myself permission to explore the feelings to see if they fit....

[WePow]

((((((((( MU ))))))))))) I sense that number 4 may be the strongest for you. Maybe the others are kinda like "excuses" to "push" T away ... If T is not close enough or if you don't HAVE to address the "other" issues with him, maybe that can "buy you some time" to find a new safe hiding place for those emotions you really do NOT want to face.

Maybe I am way off base here.. but that is exactly what I figured out I was doing. I would reather deal with T with ANYTHING BUT the deepest part of the pain.

[googley]

(((((((MUE))))))

I wish you clarity.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((((((( MU ))))))))))) I sense that number 4 may be the strongest for you. Maybe the others are kinda like "excuses" to "push" T away ... If T is not close enough or if you don't HAVE to address the "other" issues with him, maybe that can "buy you some time" to find a new safe hiding place for those emotions you really do NOT want to face.

Maybe I am way off base here.. but that is exactly what I figured out I was doing. I would reather deal with T with ANYTHING BUT the deepest part of the pain.

I don't think you're way off base. I think you're right on base....*sigh*

I guess I'm just wasting his time, my time and my money by going to T if I'm not willing to do the work.

((((((((((MUE))))))))))))

It is SUCH a pattern for me to decide in the middle of T's vacations that I am going to take a longer break, or even quit therapy altogether. We're in the middle of a two-week break and I think this is only the first or second time we've had a long break where I haven't had that urge (yet, anyway!!)

I think for me, when T would go away, I would *have* to shut everything down to get through it. And having everything shut down would feel like this huge relief...it felt FAMILIAR, it felt like how my life was for all of those years before therapy. Not "good" really, but just "normal". I would get into that place and then want to stay there, because it felt so much safer than being vulnerable and open and raw and honest with T.

I try to remind myself why I started therapy in the first place. Shutting everything down wasn't working for me anymore, and things were getting so dark and so hard. I don't know how long it would take me to get back to that place, but I know if I am shut down, I would get there.

I think that what is different this time is that I've been in therapy long enough to feel somewhat safe (SOMEWHAT) staying open and vulnerable even without T here. It took a long time to get here though.

(((((((((((MUE)))))))))))) T vacations are hard.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((MUE))))))))))))

It is SUCH a pattern for me to decide in the middle of T's vacations that I am going to take a longer break, or even quit therapy altogether. We're in the middle of a two-week break and I think this is only the first or second time we've had a long break where I haven't had that urge (yet, anyway!!)

I think for me, when T would go away, I would *have* to shut everything down to get through it. And having everything shut down would feel like this huge relief...it felt FAMILIAR, it felt like how my life was for all of those years before therapy. Not "good" really, but just "normal". I would get into that place and then want to stay there, because it felt so much safer than being vulnerable and open and raw and honest with T.

I try to remind myself why I started therapy in the first place. Shutting everything down wasn't working for me anymore, and things were getting so dark and so hard. I don't know how long it would take me to get back to that place, but I know if I am shut down, I would get there.

I think that what is different this time is that I've been in therapy long enough to feel somewhat safe (SOMEWHAT) staying open and vulnerable even without T here. It took a long time to get here though.

(((((((((((MUE)))))))))))) T vacations are hard.

Thanks, Tree....Your experience is helping me recognize this about myself as well.

[WePow]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I don't think you're way off base. I think you're right on base....*sigh*

I guess I'm just wasting his time, my time and my money by going to T if I'm not willing to do the work.

MU, actually, you ARE doing the work ;-)
A big part of doing the work is actually working through the fears and pain of figuring out HOW to "do the work" - such as learning how to feel trust in T and learning how to stay with the pain while around T.

If you were not doing the work, it would not hurt this much. That is something my T told me when I said I was angry with myself for running from the pain and not "doing therapy" . Hope this helps!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WePow

MU, actually, you ARE doing the work ;-)
A big part of doing the work is actually working through the fears and pain of figuring out HOW to "do the work" - such as learning how to feel trust in T and learning how to stay with the pain while around T.

If you were not doing the work, it would not hurt this much. That is something my T told me when I said I was angry with myself for running from the pain and not "doing therapy" . Hope this helps!

Wow, WePow....I didn't think of it that way. Seriously, WOW....I guess I didn't realize that this was part of the work! I guess it's just hard because I've been seeing T weekly for 14 months, and I still am not there yet with feeling safe and trusting. UGH. I do know that there have been a few moments of major breakdowns in his office where we've touched on some things of importance. And then I go straight back to either avoiding or dealing with current crisis situations....I'm not creating the crisis situations (major blowups with my boss, my ex's craziness), but they do serve as a distraction from the deep stuff....

Thanks for helping me see, WePow, that I am still doing the work. Wow.

[Sannah]

MUE, just the fact that you made this list means that you are doing the work. It is the beginning of the work but it is still work and you have to start at the beginning. Good Work!!!! And for the previous 14 months you have been going through your "noise" so that you can get to this. (And this has been very important work too!)