Today after my session, my brain kept doing a LOT of processing. And somewhere in there, I realized how much I have changed since starting therapy. It almost gives me goosebumps. I called T and left a message and told him some of it, but it just feels SO BIG that I'm not sure I really said what I wanted to say. I'm sure he got the general idea.

I thought maybe we could share some ways that we've changed since starting therapy.

- I've learned to TRUST T. Really, really, really trust him. He's probably the first person I've ever really trusted.
- I am less scared out in the world. I used to be consumed by fear, always expecting something really bad and scary to happen. I almost never feel like that now.
- I've told someone my WHOLE story. All of it. I've never told anyone, and I've always been alone with it. I've told, and I'm still alive, and okay, and cared for.
- I'm learning what it feels like to be cared for because of who I AM, just because I'm me. T has told me that he never wants anything that he does to seem like a reward for good behavior. He says he loves me not for what I DO, but for who I am. I think I'm just starting to internalize that. What a huge gift that is.
- I'm starting to trust other people a teeny tiny bit. I've told bits and pieces of my story outside of therapy.
- I haven't cut since Thanksgiving, 2008! I almost never have to use eating disorder behavior anymore - it is SO rare. I've given up an addiction, and learned how to lean on people in my 12 step program for help.
- I'm just now starting to really let down some of my walls. I feel vulnerable, but it feels okay. I feel like someday I will let love in from someone besides T instead of always keeping my protective shell up. I hope that someday I'll believe that it's okay for me to be loved.

I'm sure there's more, but those are the first things I thought of. Want to share yours??

[zooropa]

(((tree))))
this is SUCH a great idea. Reading your list, tears came to my eyes. If anyone doubts that therapy can help, they need to read that post.

I'm almost overwhelmed with thinking about the ways I've changed since starting w/this T. I need to think and I need to let my emotions settle a little bit b/c I'm still kind of triggered and raw and ugh after my session yesterday. I'll add my list here after I have time to sit with the idea for a while.

[googley]

Something I've learned through T is being more assertive. I used to never tell anyone if they did something that bothered me, but now I am better at standing up for myself. I'm also better at recognizing my emotions. Especially recognizing when I get angry and not taking it out on myself.

[velcro003]

I have also stood up for myself more, too. More specifically within my job. I've persued other positions (and with gusto!), told my boss when I was upset about a decision, and generally didn't let myself be a pushover. It has been HARD, but T is always so proud

I have learned to really think about how I feel. It is a slow struggle, but I am more aware of my emotions than I had been.

I really really want to put trust on there, but I can't. Not yet.

[Melbadaze]

TH, Yes I recognise some of those changes within me too, but there are times I refuse to admit to change, not sure why that is, think proberbly because I still am new at them.

[sunrise]

tree, those are such amazing changes. I bet if you sat there in therapy, and read off your list to T, he would get tears in his eyes. Sometimes people wonder if it is OK to get their T a gift, or what it should be, or how much it should cost. I think the best gift a T can receive is his client recounting all the changes since beginning therapy. I hope your T knows, tree, because he deserves some applause, and so do you.

Some of my changes:
--I've become a better listener, learning to listen for the underlying feeling rather than what the words are saying
--I've become more aware of what I am feeling (I was terrible at this when I began therapy)
--I've come to see that it is a good thing to express feelings and I've learned to do this more readily. I am not as ashamed or embarrassed if others see what I am feeling.
--I've learned that it is OK to have needs (still working on this, but I understand the concept)
--I've learned that a person can work on their life and have certain goals and try to accomplish them. I don't have to sit around and let things happen to me and then be limited in my response by reacting to them. A person can take the lead, try to affect change purposefully, and be more active in creating the life they want.
--I've learned that it's OK to be who I am (greater authenticity)

[Alexandria04]

I am learning that you can't control how people act, but you can choose how you respond to them. If their actions are harmful to you, physically, emotionally, or otherwise you can remove yourself from the situation and refuse to let yourself be subject to that. You can't control other people, but you can control yourself, your actions, and how you respond to other people.

I feel like I am learning to think about things. I am not sure if this is good or not, but I suppose it is. I've always tried NOT to think about the bad things in my past, but I guess sometimes you need to think about them to decide how you feel about them? I am not sure, and it's still confusing, but I feel like I am starting to make progress and that is good

[ECHOES]

(((tree))) It makes me so happy to read your post. Wow!! Look at all that has changed and all the things you have become aware of

[WePow]

(((((((( tree )))))))) That is so amazing!!! I am so happy for you!!!!

For me - I have learned that I am not alone in the battle to gain back what others took from me as an innocent child. I have learned that it is OK to fall down and it OK to cry when I fall. I have learned I do not have to pretend to be happy for the sake of others around me. I am learning that just being me is a wonderful thing to be. :-)

[granite1]

tree your an inspiration

I love reading about everyone's changes

I thought of another one today and I actually called T and left a message (he is on vacation but I can leave messages) because I wanted him to know and I wanted to capture it in the moment.

I realized today that I have this times where I feel....FINE. It's so quiet inside for the first time ever. There's not all of this noise and all of this work going on to keep the past from seeping into my thoughts. There's just calm. I honestly don't know if I've ever experienced that in my life. I was probably born addicted to alcohol (my mom often tells the story of how she lived on beer when she was pg with me) and I can't remember a time before the abuse started, so I feel like I've spent literally - LITERALLY - my entire life in some kind of struggle. Now I have times when I don't struggle...I'm just okay. THAT honestly feels like a miracle.

[zooropa]

I've been thinking about this, a lot, and decided that I felt pressured (by myself!) to list ALLLL the ways I've changed since starting therapy, and that was too huge, so here are just SOME of the ways I've changed:

I feel. Not just anger and depression, but joy and peace and HOPE sometimes too.

I know that it's ok to have needs and to ask for them to be met.

Figuring out that not everything that has happened to me is my fault. That was a huge one.

Also figuring out that there are good people out there, and I'm lucky enough to know some of them. I have real, lasting friendships now, because I am better and I am working hard at being a good friend. The healthier I get, the more people want to be with me. It is amazing.

I don't have to hurt myself anymore to make the feelings go away. Learning that those feelings weren't going away anyway, and that pushing them away only makes them come back harder. I think it's been several months since I cut.

I can talk about what happened to me, some of it anyway. I never EVER spoke of it before therapy, before THIS T. Ever. I'm learning that speaking it, while it is hard and painful and almost overwhelming, won't kill me. That the only way out is through.

[jexa]

I haven't been able to reply lately but this is me breaking out of that shell.

Tree, thanks for this thread. I think it is incredibly important for us all to see the strides we have taken. The strides you have taken, tree, are so HUGE and this brought tears to my eyes:

Originally Posted by treehouse

It's so quiet inside for the first time ever. There's not all of this noise and all of this work going on to keep the past from seeping into my thoughts. There's just calm.

I mean, WOW, tree. WOW. That is just so unbelievable and amazing. You have worked soooo hard and you soooo deserve this amazing payoff. Having quiet in your head.. for the first time in your life.. just, wow.

With everything crazy going on right now, I am glad this thread is here to remind me of all the good that has come in my life since starting therapy.

Since I started T, I have been standing up for myself more. I asked for a raise at work! I stood my ground to my ex when he was trying to manipulate me recently. I am prepared to stand my ground to this guy I've been dating - to have the hard conversation, to take a step back and demand commitment before we can go any further. Wow. I am gong to do that. I feel like I am ABLE to do that. I can't explain how HUGE this is for me!

I get out, I socialize. I have fun! I even invite people over to my house! I used to be terrified to invite people over! I've made some friends and gone out to bars and clubs and even danced. My social anxiety is a MILLION times better. It's truly miraculous.

I don't want to die. I'm at the point where I can't imagine EVER choosing to kill myself, EVER. I just don't think that way at ALL anymore.

I am able to begin and finish projects for fun. My OCD in the past kept this from being possible. Even with my flare-up of OCD, I was able to complete a fun project today. Even though things are hard right now, I AM better than I was when I first started therapy!

I'm using self-care after my grandfather's death. I took a personal day off work. I have been exercising and reaching out to my brother.

Best of all, I've started a new relationship..and even though I've let things go a little fast with this guy, I'm not running away now. Instead, I'm doing what I can to CHOOSE the way I act right now - to not let FEAR dictate my every move. In the past, I used to start new relationships and tell the other person RIGHT AWAY all the BAD things about me, to try to get them to leave. Or I used to do rude things or annoying things to try to make them hate me.

It was all running away from intimacy, terrified to trust anyone at all. But I'm not doing that right now. I am using the skills T asked me to try this week. And it's working!!

I'm not acting on my fears. I'm moving through this storm rather than running from it.

And if I get drenched... or struck by lightning even... it doesn't matter.. I cannot run anymore!!!!!!!!! I'm going to do what I WANT to do!

[WePow]

I thought more about this thread and here is my reply on what changes have happened since starting therapy:

1) T has HEARD me. For the first time in my life, I have been heard and believed about the abuse. This has freed me from a TON of pain I had carried with me my entire life.

2) I have learned how to take responsibility for my feelings and behavior. I am no longer going through life blaming my misery on the actions of the past. I understand how the abuse harmed me, but T taught me how to claim my present. If I am sad about something, I now know how to trace the triggers and I know how to shift my awareness of the emotion IF I WANT TO. But sometimes I want to sit in my pain so I can allow it to process fully. T taught me that it is OK to do that at times and it can be a choice. This is such a big difference for me and has opened the doors to my internal world wide open.

3) T taught me how to draw boundaries. T shows me by example what boundaries look like. I don't always like those boundaries, but I never had a parent draw boundaries. Because I trust my T on a very deep level, I see his actions with boundaries as being the way things should be as opposed to the way my parents were. And that gives me a brand new ability to draw my own boundaries and not feel guilty about doing so. The ability for me to respect the boundaries of others and draw my own boundaries without guilt is life changing again.

4) T taught me it is OK to make mistakes. He sometimes falls down and gets back up again. That means I can fall down and get up again too. I don't think less of my T for making mistakes and that makes me able to forgive my own mistakes. He learns from his experiences and that shows me that I can also learn from my experiences.

5) T taught me it is OK to feel. Right now I am in the teenage / selfish state in part of my healing. I am very much like the teen who goes into the bedroom and yells at the parents behind the safety of a closed door. I do that in Email to my T. But my T does not reply back and just lets me throw a fit. It is awesome because I trust my T to allow me the safe space to do that. I sometimes think he is mad at me when this is going on, but I know it is a way he is allowing me to grow up my internal teen. When I was a teen, I was not allowed any space or room where I could go and yell at my parents in a safe way. If we said anything they took offense to - the result was borderline catastrophic! It amazes me because I just allow myself to send those teenage emails and I can let myself feel those immature emotions and my T stays constant. It is another example of good re-parenting. And it is teaching me how to treat myself when those parts of me decide to throw a fit. This concept is still being solidified for me, so sorry if this doesn't make much sense. But it is a very awesome tool that T is teaching me in this way.

There is tons more but after thinking about this question a lot yesterday, that is my answer.

[sittingatwatersedge]

* I learned a new word, "abandonment". This was a key that really opened the past to a huge new understanding. I learned that I had an abusive childhood; took me by surprise completely but explained so much.

* I'm learning to identify triggers and compulsive behavior, and just occasionally I can remember how to handle them.

* I find my self angry less often.

* Am beginning to take a little better care of myself. now that I think of it, since I persist in seeing T through DH opposition, maybe I have been doing that for a whlie now.

added note: Thanks Treehouse for asking this question. It's important to see that there are changes (whew!)

* (just this morning) I realized that I don't ALWAYS see myself as a bird beating its wings against the bars of a cage; there are some peaceful times too.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I realized that I don't ALWAYS see myself as a bird beating its wings against the bars of a cage; there are some peaceful times too.

................

[chaotic13]

Wow tree...as I read your post and others I realized how much we all seem to have changed. My life is so much richer now. I am just so much more willing to try things that I NEVER thought I would ever try. And my relationships with others has gotten soooo much more deep.
Thanks for reminding me.

[BlueMoon6]

I was thinking about how I have changed since starting therapy. Well.....I have been in therapy since I was 19 and I am now 51.....

I dont think I would have grown up had I not had the direction and comfort I recieved from the therapists I have had. I might have stayed an addicted, immature, confused, angry little girl. Or I might not be alive.

I have been able to join (somewhat) mainstream society! I gave up pink hair for a family and kids.....

I guess looking back what strikes me is that the times I make the most progress was when I wasnt aiming for perfection. I allowed myself my path. Most times, and I really mean MOST times, it was 2 steps forward and 1 step back. And that had to be okay and it has to be okay today.

I gave up the idea of being a finished product. That I can change and become more honest and closer to people and more intimate with people and myself throughout my life. Its not a dress rehersal here.....my life is in the moment and I can live those changes at any time. Each moment is a new opportunity. Each mistake is new opportunity to do what feels better next time.

I think one of the major ways I have changed in therapy is that I have learned how to become honest with myself. And this is truly an ongoing process. I am not always aware that I am not being honest because I am so used to hiding things from myself. It is a slow process that has taught me to slow down and see where I am at- be that with my children (teens especially), my relationship with my husband, or with my inner self. I guess therapy has taught me how to be aware. Especially to be aware of when I am not being aware.

Another thing I have learned is that it is okay to be a beginner. That I dont have to know what I have not been taught. If I dont know, its okay to not know. Its okay to be a learner and to be on a path. That the answers will unfold for me when I dont force things. To trust and let go of trying to control the outcome.

Probably all of these things are an ongoing process....that I am not an end result. Not yet....and maybe I never will be....or maybe I dont want to be. I hope I am still learning at 100.

Hmm. Changes since I've started therapy:

1. I am better able to work through a crisis because I have learned how to evaluate what is going on inside my head.

2. I have started setting healthy boundaries with those around me.

3. I've learned to take care of myself first; everything else will go better as a result.