[sunrise]

Today was a pretty good session. We were talking about some of my parents' actions during my younger years, and T observed that when I was a teen/young adult, my parents didn't "see" me. I agreed. He wondered if that has changed and if they "see" me at all now (they are both in their 80s). Basically, do they understand me at all now and see me for who I am? (Answer: I don't think so.)

This led to our talking about how important it can be to have people in your life who see you. T said, "I saw you our first time together, and have ever since." I said, "I know. That's why I keep coming here to see you."

When I said that, I knew it was true. I'm not sure I would have given that answer if someone on the street asked me, "why do you go to see your therapist?" but when I spoke the words, there is no doubt they were true. There are other reasons too that I continue to see my T, 3 and a half years after beginning; for example, I still have some significant work to do on the teen/young adult phase of my life.

But, yeah, I think his "seeing" me is a big draw. When I said that to him, I almost felt like I had admitted something I shouldn't have, that the cat had slipped out of the bag. (These days, I sometimes feel guilty going to therapy, because I am doing really well right now, and am indeed very grateful I do not have a mental illness.) T didn't look at all askance when I told him why I came to see him--he was very accepting. It made me feel better (not clandestinely guilty?) to know he accepts that as a valid reason to go to therapy.

He said a lot of the right things today.

He also told me that I was "bubbly" today. No one has ever used that word to describe me.

[rainbow8]

Sunrise, that was beautiful. You always share such heartwarming moments with your T. He is really something special, isn't he! I'm glad that you feel so good about him and about your therapy. It sounds so peaceful and calm. That's interesting that he found you bubbly when you aren't that way. I think you are changing but don't recognize yourself yet.

[Kiya]

=)
((((((((((((((Sunrise))))))))))))))))

that is so nice that your T "sees you" and hasn't stopped "seeing you" during your work together.

of course it is a valid reason to goto therapy. everyone needs someone to "see them" -- on the good days and the bad days.

if you dont have blond hair, maybe it's time to get it dyed to go with the "bubbly personality"


(NO OFFENSE to blonds---im blond and it's just meant to be a joke )

[Perna]

Don't you love those days they say and do the right things! :-) Almost as good as the days where we say and do them.

(((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))

I can SO relate to that. I do think that's a lot of why I go to therapy...and why it can be SO painful when T doesn't "get" where I am at. Thank you for putting it into words for me.

I'm glad you had such a great session

[WePow]

WOW ! That is so awesome!!! Thank you tons for sharing!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

That's interesting that he found you bubbly when you aren't that way. I think you are changing but don't recognize yourself yet.

Maybe. It's always illuminating when I hear how others perceive me. I only see T every couple of weeks, and when I do, I am so happy to see him--I think it makes me "bubblier" or at least contributes to a good mood.

We spent about half the session on various "stuff", like how I'm quitting my job, starting school, going to a brand new gang of colleagues, leaving old relationships behind, my house that is self-destructing and needs endless repairs, etc. It was a good context to be bubbly in. Then we spent a full 45 minutes on the events from my youth that we have been skirting for a number of sessions now: 1 step forward, 1/2 step back. But we stuck with it for this extended period this time and made a lot of progress. I am thinking now how that was possible, and I think it was because I had a lot of ego strength going into the conversation. I was in a great mood, very positive and "bursting" with energy, having great interaction with T and feeling "understood", comfortable, and supported. All this made it easier to start going deeper, to tell the story I am having a hard time getting out and sticking with, to let out feelings hidden away for years. I have often heard that sometimes clients are too unstable or don't have enough ego strength to do hard work in therapy (e.g. trauma work). They have to work on establishing stability and strength before they can do the hard stuff. This is supportive therapy. Now I really understand that. The work we are embarking on now, I could not have done a couple of years ago, when I was a mess. My ability to make progress on this topic now helps me see that things are a lot better for me now than a few years ago. I am much stronger. So I really see the wisdom in not attempting too much when we don't have the strength, are too fragile, or don't have enough support. If we work to build those things first, then the difficult things become more doable.

[rainbow8]

What you said makes a lot of sense. I'm glad you're at the point now where you can go deeper and tell the rest of your story to T.

[elliemay]

Thank you for sharing that. It is very nice to be known, and ultimately accepted by another human being. It's hard to come by.

I'm not sure my parents will ever know me, although my father has made more of an effort than my mother ever will.

As you also indicated, that "knowing" can lead to all sorts of healing. I absolutely agree with the value of *supportive therapy*. It's widely practised in other fields of medicine, yet it doesn't seem to be valued as much in psychotherapy.

I think a portion of supportive therapy involves developing a trusting relationship with the T, but this kind of therapy also helps to develop the trust and strength in ourselves to withstand the onslaught and emotional battery of processing trauma and grief.

We've got to be stong enough to do it. It requires pre-conditioning sometimes so we won't be overwhelmed.

It's a good thing. Thanks again for giving it a name for me.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Solarwind

if you dont have blond hair, maybe it's time to get it dyed to go with the "bubbly personality"

Oh, wow, that would be so shocking. (I have dark brown hair.)

[BlueMoon6]

I have always thought your relationship with T was very special. He sees you. He seems to have a very "intuitive" kind of nature. Do you think that you and T are alike in a lot of ways? That there is that kind of connection?

You sound very calm and capable. That you know who you are and what you need. I coul see you being bubbly.....maybe lately you have a less serious tone. Do you think?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I have always thought your relationship with T was very special. He sees you. He seems to have a very "intuitive" kind of nature. Do you think that you and T are alike in a lot of ways? That there is that kind of connection?

Yes, I think we are alike in a lot of ways, and he has sometimes told me he sees things in me that are similar to how he is. He has said more than once before, "people like us...." I am always flattered when he compares us that way, as I think he is the bees' knees. (I have never used that phrase before, LOL.)

I coul see you being bubbly.....maybe lately you have a less serious tone. Do you think?

I think I am very happy that I had "the talk" with my boss recently and told her I wanted to take the last two weeks of my job as vacation. I was really stressed out about that and feel a load has been lifted. I am very happy to be quitting this job and going back to school fulltime next month. These changes are exciting for me, so yes, I probably have been less serious!

I like being able to go to therapy and be so up. T certainly has sat through many sessions with me when I was feeling very down and hopeless and unable to move forward. I like being able to give T the "up" me. Here ya go, T--you had a big hand in my being this way now.

[BlueMoon6]

I am SO proud of you and so glad you took the risk and asked your boss. Was she receptive? How did she react? (Maybe you posted about this before? Im sorry). You are moving forward in a very real way, not "convincing" yourself that you can do this or that. I see huge changes in you. I guess that is the way it is "supposed to" work. We sort of become more of who we are. The grown-up version. I feel more grown-up and able to do things I never thought I could before, but I get freaked out by that and want to sabatoge myself.

[Abby]

Thanks for this post.

I can relate to this issue alot. It can be painful not to be 'seen'.

I cannot find the words today but I wanted to reply. It struck a chord with me.

I'm glad you feel seen.

[BlueMoon6]

You know what I was thinking about reading this. As much as I want to be seen, it scares me to be seen. Not sure why. It scares me for someone to see me for who I really am and be with me. I be okay with who I am. To see all of the sides of Blue and its all okay. I often wonder why my husband loves (he says he does). I REALLY dont get it.

Sunny- Does all of you feel good that he sees you? Does it scare you at all?

[rainbow8]

Blue, I know what you mean. I am being so honest with Kt that it scares me. She sees and hears all the bad parts of me, especially the way I feel about her. I don't want her to see me like that. Will she like me when I am so awful? I once asked Bt if she was going to hate me when "it"--the therapy, was all over. I was talking about my attachment to her at the time. She said "of course not", which reassured me. Ts can "see us", "get us", and still care about us because we are human beings just like they are, and they know that.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

You know what I was thinking about reading this. As much as I want to be seen, it scares me to be seen. Not sure why. It scares me for someone to see me for who I really am and be with me....

Sunny- Does all of you feel good that he sees you? Does it scare you at all?

Like it or not, T has seen A LOT of me. I can't take it back. I can't be scared of it "after the fact." He worked for me in a dual professional role--in my divorce--and has seen me on the "outside" interacting with other people in other contexts, and witnessed some very tense times. Sometimes I was at my best and sometimes not even close. He's seen it all, and been through many difficult moments with me. He has seen me be totally irrational--so effing angry at my financial advisor, for no apparent reason. It's embarrassing what he has seen--things he wouldn't have seen if we were confined in his office. And we did couples therapy too, so he also got to see all of that. When I allowed him to serve a dual role, I knew I would lose "control" of what he witnessed. We weren't in that carefully framed environment in his office where I got to choose what I did and did not share. I just took the plunge, and welcomed him into a very difficult part of my life. Here I was--for better or for worse.

There are times still in therapy when I am reluctant to share something with him. But it is also made easier to think back to all he has seen already. Why not this other thing too?

See, he's seen so much of me, but he just acts normal about it. He doesn't act like he's seen a lot and now despises me, thinks I'm worthless, makes fun of me, etc. He's just very normal and nonchalant about how he is with me, and that makes me feel like I am OK after all. If he looked at me sideways, moved away from me in therapy, acted like I had cooties, etc., then I might think it had been a mistake (to let him see so much). But he doesn't. I have no regrets.

Blue, I don't know if that relates to your situation or not.

[zooropa]

I think being seen is the single most difficult part of therapy for me. I have tried to tell my T but I don't think she gets it. It is SO HARD to go in there and let her see me. I'm glad it's not that hard for everyone, but it makes me sad to know I'm so broken and so guarded that the one person who is trying to help me scares me with her very presence.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm glad it's not that hard for everyone, but it makes me sad to know I'm so broken and so guarded that the one person who is trying to help me scares me with her very presence.

Just keep going slowly, zooropa. Little by little. You are in therapy to help you heal. Your T doesn't expect you to come to her already healed. Maybe you can think back to what you have been able to share and what you have let your T see, since beginning therapy. And see you have come a ways down the path. I can't say it was actually easy for me, but having T be a part of my outside life was kind of like jumping off a cliff. Once the wheels were set in motion, he was going to "see" me, and I couldn't stop events. Whereas in therapy, every session you have the choice to be guarded or not, to share or not. I think it is indeed harder that way. We can chicken out, despite our intentions just seconds before we walk through the door into our T's office. Hold on zoo.

[BlueMoon6]

Sunny! I love this! This is something I think about my husband! Why the heck h=is he still with me when he has seen me at my worst? Angry at him, angry at my kids, tantruming, totally irrationahl and cursing at him. And then, gentle and soft and vulnerable. How can he love someone so....all over theplace? ANd then there is food. Okay, that is my husband, he lives with me, but a therapist is different. A therapist didnt marry you.

It really is a relationship that is theraputic. That you are okay. Being angry at your financial advisor, in couples therapy, in the outside world where you are who you are. And he sees ALL of you. It is sort of obvious that there is nothing to be scared of, he isnt going anywhere and isnt going to start judging you or despising you now!

I dot know if I feel that way with my therapist now. I havent been seeing her as long and she hasnt seen me in too many different situations. She saw me frustrated with my 3yo when I brought her to 2 sessions with me and she didnt cooperate in either on for very long (I am never doing THAT again). I was disappointed and frustrated. I dont know that if she saw me at some of my worst moments she wouldnt see me differently and dislike me. It is probalby different to share with her some of my past behavior and for her to witness it. This might be an interesting thing to bring up in therapy. To be comnpletely accepted for who I am with all of my yucky and embarrassing behavior...and thoughts. I am wondering if I might say or do something that I would regret sharing with her because Id feel like she wouldnt like me or think I am a bad person.

Anyway...I DO love your T...just had to say that......AND he is a male therapist....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I think being seen is the single most difficult part of therapy for me. I have tried to tell my T but I don't think she gets it. It is SO HARD to go in there and let her see me. I'm glad it's not that hard for everyone, but it makes me sad to know I'm so broken and so guarded that the one person who is trying to help me scares me with her very presence.

I can so relate to this, zoo....((( HUGS )))