Wanting to find T's house

I'm going to step in here, because I think this is a very good thread that has gotten a little off-track. Some members have turned this thread into something different, and I apologize we didn't catch this sooner and remove the off-topic posts (or at least them to a different thread).

I don't find it particularly beneficial to try and "diagnose" a person from afar. So while it might be an intellectually interesting exercise to put labels onto others who come here asking for help or advice, ultimately I don't think it helps us understand the person who's asking for advice. Labels don't explain, they identify. And by their very nature, they offer broad generalizations that don't very much help the individual in need.

Let me assure you rainbow that nearly all patients think about crossing boundaries, and many do it. Most of the boundary "violations" (as professionals call them) are minor and easily taken care of in session. Some, like the one stormy had, are more serious and harder to rectify with continuing therapy with the individual.

Thinking about and Googling a therapist -- even where they live -- is not a bad thing. It occurs all the time, whether therapists realize it or not, and it's the result of putting an unlimited information resource into everybody's hands -- the Internet. I can't imagine an ordinary person who might not have such curiosity.

From what I can tell, that's the extent of your behaviors, and thinking -- last time I checked -- isn't a crime. This isn't <em>1984.</em>

People in situations similar to yours have sometimes found it helpful to satiate their curiosity as best they can online, without taking further action. As previously mentioned in this thread, while it may seem like actually seeing the house or apartment in person would be the ultimate satiation, it probably wouldn't be. Once a boundary is crossed, it's sometimes exciting or exhilarating to keep going. You might benefit from finding ways to distract you from this, and to find a way to live with the existing knowledge you do have about your therapist.

I would like to say that I don't think you've done anything wrong. You're grappling with a difficult compulsion, but one that doesn't seem to be particularly strong or one that you haven't already found ways to try and work around. I would continue to fight it, and if possible, talk further with your therapist about it. Even though it may make the therapist feel uncomfortable further talking about it, that is their issue, not yours (and something they should deal with on their own in their own therapy, not take it out on you other than to say the subject makes them feel uncomfortable).

DocJohn

Doc John,

Thank you for taking the time to post in my thread. I actually think that other people have gotten more upset about it than I have. I realize that someone may post something as if it's the absolute truth, but it's THEIR truth, and their opinion only. Sometimes I am swayed too much by others, but in this case I'm not.

I got a lot out of this thread. In particular, it's that I need to focus on my need to blur and even cross the therapeutic boundaries. I need to talk about the whole picture of why I have that compulsion. It doesn't have to do with going by her house or not. It's what that means to me--how I feel about it. I have therapy today, and I am planning to discuss it with her. It's a pattern for me, and I already know it has to do with my mother and not being able to separate from her. I've been in therapy a long time, but I never have been able to stick with the "feeling" level for very long. This therapy is different.

I have crossed boundaries with other Ts so I understand that I need to distract myself from doing more. I think that talking about what's underneath it will satisfy and curb my compulsion.

My T uses Internal Family Systems so I think she understands that the part that wants to cross boundaries is just a part of me. I don't think she will be uncomfortable talking about it more. She appreciates my honesty and just wants to help me heal.

Again, I appreciate your getting involved in my thread and supporting me. I really do love PC!

Rainbow- I am so impressed by your posts. I know you have said that it is an issue making decisions (I also have this huge issue and we have this in common) but look at the very mature and articulate decisions you have made with this thread. You posted stating how you feel, that you can speak for yourself, how you are dealing with the attachment/compulsion thing regardless of anyone else's take on it and you have such clarity as to how you want to heal. These are all big decisions. And how to word it in this particular thread with how the conversation is going in a very mature and personal way. I see you very much staying with your feelings.

I dont see you dependent on other people's point of view in order to state your own. For me, I might be too afraid of being abandoned to do that. I might or I might not. But I am so impressed with how you are being yourself, not "dependent" or acting like you cannot be in charge/in control. I SO admire the strength of character and honesty you have shown in this thread. I am learning from you, my dear friend. You are my hero!

I will post a thread about it (I think) but I was talking in therapy this morning a bit about this thread and what it brought up for me and my issues. My T (ftt) agreed that it is common for clients to do the things you have done and the things I did with desk-t (we focused on that) and it, of course, has to do with other issues. Neither you or I did anything wrong and your T can deal with her feelings in the way she needs to.

I just wanted to post to give you big hug and tell you that I see SO MUCH healing and inner strength in you from this thread and how you have handled it. I see you moving forward with giant steps

Hi Rainbow!

Moosetracks,

You are waaaay overinterpreting your data.

This is what Rainbow said: "she told me she was scared that I looked her up."

From that brief statement, you can't really tell what the T meant, or was trying to do. Scared how? Scared why? Maybe she was just modeling disclosure, or trying to use this to tap into/discuss Rainbow's possible fearful feelings somehow. You just don't know.

From Rainbow's report, the T did not say "Don't look me up on Google." The T seemed to be discussing her feelings about Rainbow's disclosure. And perhaps that was a particular therapeutic choice.

You just don't know, you don't have enough information.

So why not let Rainbow and her T work it out?

Take care,
-Far

Good luck today Rainbow! Let us know how it went!

Rainbow, just wanted you to know that I've had the same feelings - I did look up my T's house on Google maps. T lives much to far from me (25 miles of traffic) for a drive by! But, I showed him his house on my phone, he laughed and said "I love Google Earth". I showed him my old house and my current house. Talking about it, making it clear I knew what the boundary is, really helped.

Once, when I was feeling especially immature, and also willing to indulge my immaturity (inner teenager) I drove over to the office on a Sunday. I'd spent a long weekend with my sister and lots of stuff was churning. I sat on the steps and left T a voice mail message. This felt safe.
Then I went to the very excellent garden center down the street

Blue: Thank you for posting what you did. It's hard to see our own growth because I didn't realize I did anything differently but you saw it. That makes me feel good! I want to say the same for you right here. You're so different from when I first read your posts when you were seeing Dt. We're both making progress.

Thanks, elliemay. I didn't tell T that I "saw" her house online. I talked about wanting to cross boundaries but she didn't really respond. I don't know. She wanted to spend time on the collage which was okay. I had a hard time focusing on talking about it, though. I don't have time to write about my session. When I do, it will be a new thread because it wasn't about this subject. It was about my Mom.

Black Canary: Wow! You have a cool T!!

(((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))))))

Man oh man, do I ever understand!

So, I swore I saw my psychiatrist on my way to church one morning in his vehicle.

So... I Canada411'ed him (it's basically a phone/address directory in Canada).

Apparently he lives on the street, just off the street from my church.

It was weird. We wound up talking about the fact he said he bikes to work (my university) often (actually today in session!). I asked him if it was very far (playing the "no, of course I would never ever Google him" *innocent*). He said no... I then told him that I thought I had seen him one day.

And he said of course, your church is in my neighbourhood (I have brought up the name of my church before)! AWKWARD! And yet awesome. He did say that he was in fact in the phone book and that it's not exactly difficult to find him if someone decided to look.

So, yeah he basically told me where he lives. So of course now the compulsion is to slightly go off track to church (or from church) to see his house. Which wouldn't be too much of a big deal since he does have an office that he sees clients at in his home...

(But I don't know if I have the nerve to do it)

I've got a compulsive habit to Google people on occasion. It's interesting the stuff you can find... I've found articles/studies done by previous therapists which are totally cool. I wouldn't STALK a person, but I am interested in people beyond the limited scope of what I know about someone in one situation.

(Then again, this psychiatrist tells me sometimes about aspects of his life that he finds relevant to me/my situation. Which I enjoy more than always talking about myself )

Thanks, Rainbow I see you more confident in yourself and what you believe. I think that leaving our previous Ts helped us to trust our perceptions more. I know you really liked Bt and there were things I liked about Dt, but we knew that there things that were making matters worse. In many ways I did feet worse, ftt says in some ways I was re-traumatized by dt's similarity to my mother. I have gotten the feeling that bt had something of the same effects on you. The story with you crying in her waiting room unable to leave and then her phone call to you broke my heart. There are more sensititve and caring ways she could have handled that and your feelings.

well, anyway.... hugs to us!

eh never mind, he admitted today that he was really uncomfortable about it. That was over a year ago that I shared it.
I was planning to tell him that he got kudos for being cool about it, too.

Hi Rainbow,

Did your mother or father grow up in a family where there was alcoholism or addiction? If so, this could be important.

Thanks

I've often wondered where my psychiatrist lives and tried to search the internet for it to no avail. I think it's just something a lot of people are curious about.

I did find his personal email online though and have emailed him twice. THe first time he responded...the second he has yet to respond to (if he even will).

I admitted to him at my last visit that I searched the internet for him and he didn't seem too bugged by it (at least he didn't say anything about it...who knows what he write in my file about it). I found more on his son (who has the same name) than him when I searched. I know it was not him because it was a local high school sports page about the players.

Anyways...searching for things on your psychiatirst (or therapist for that matter) isn't too odd. It depends on why you are doing it. I think a lot of people wonder.

Rozine, I know there was no alcoholism in either of my parents' families. I don't think there was any addiction, either, unless you count "addicted to food". Many of my relatives were obese. Why do you think that's important? Thanks.

Thanks, Squirrel. Why don't you ask your T if he allows email instead of wondering about it?

Hi Rainbow,

People who grow up in families where there are addictions 'can' develop distorted and dysfunctional ways of communicating with others, etc. This can then be passed onto their children through the way that they interact with them. To get an idea of what I'm talking about, you can find out more by looking up adult children of alcoholics. Often, a lot of the problems centre around the need to control things, people, etc. Whilst a person's parents may not have an obvious addiction as such, their own upbringing in a family with addiction can subtly play out in their parenting. I have seen this firsthand.

I think this 'may' be important because it could give you a possible insight into you. You mention a number of times in your various threads 'addiction' - is your T experienced in this area - some are/some aren't.

Thanks