[Melbadaze]

I have a relationship with codiene, its OTC stuff so not to strong, but none the less its my "relationship", it was alcohol once.

T often talks about my fantasys, but sometimes I don't think I truely experience the true meaning of this.

Yesterday proberbly because T's been away this week I was internet hunting again for my birth mother. I typed in her name and this old photo came up with the same name and I had to call my husband over because it looked just like me, I asked 2 of my daughters who they thought she looked like and they both said me, mouths open aghast.

I dreamt about finding my real family and in the dream I was constantly repeating the "finding" and the deep feeling of calm and satisfaction It gave me, so this morning I found an email addy for the family tree I had located and emailed asking about the woman in the photo.

I got a reply and it isn't a relative, well it may be some very, very distant relative, proberbly along the lines of Adam and Eve times, but what I got the most from this experience was A/ I kind of found a way to soothe the ache of searching and wondering constantly through that dream last night and B/ I saw how my head was numb with all the fantasys of a great reunion etc and I also saw how T took a backsit for a short while whilst my intentions was directed at who I thought could be "real" family.

How does this tie into the pills? Well I think I see how that same fuzzy warm fantasy thinking is active when I am in the process of thinking about and actually buying and then swallowing handfuls of codiene, that is my fantasy relationship.

I can see the some crack between the fuzzy fantasy stuff in my head and the cold hard light of reality. I haven't had any pills all week, trying to deal with the longing for them, facing it and not giving into it and trying my best to try at least to live in the real world, but its not a light switch event, Its a slow long process of bit by bit letting go and then letting in.

I feel ok about the hunt for "real" family coming to a dead end, just the having experienced it in my dream seems to have helped me a great deal, helped me see that perhaps what I've got right now is good enought and the constant looking everywhere else is just part of my fantasys.

As I write this I feel a resistence to reality kicking in and a very young baby desperately trying to make everything alright by creating a warm fuzzy feel in the mind. This is my core setting, take a peek outside, don't get what i need or the fear is I won't get the comfort I need, so quickly pull my head back inside my shell of make believe and fantasy.

T's back tomorrow, I've got to try and relate in the moment, trust that the moment isn't awful.

[pachyderm]

Sounds as though Melbadaze needs some serious, long-term huggies...

[BlueMoon6]

Melba- I cant stress it enough that that is EXACTLY the feeling of being addicted to a drug. The fantasy, the warm fuzzy, it will ALL be okay now. Am I wrong that you had been in rehab or some kind of treatment for alcohol? Im sorry about the codeine thing. It sounds serious and very, very difficult. Are you doing this alone?

My fantasy world as a child and as a young adult was my deep dark secret that no one could take away from me. And drugs fueled that fire. It is SO difficult, I dont think the word difficult expresses how hard it is, to live in the real world, trust the world and not not put my head back into my shell and live my fantasy life. I guess the truth is that if you (or I ) dont get what we need in that moment and even in that desperation for a warm fuzzy, that we will be okay. We are okay. And you are okay without the warmth of codeine, Melba. I know you want that warm mommy. And it so hurts.....

[Melbadaze]

Blue, I think I am addicted, though its been hard to see because its silent not like my alcohol addiction. T knows, but shes never said I'm addicted, perhaps she thinks until I'm ready she can't stop me, perhaps I wanted her to stop me, but its been in the room with us for a few yrs now, I guess I feel a bit disappointed in her in this respect, but when I first begun therapy with her I'd been sober 18months and she said she hoped I was getting support for that, because she doesnt deal with that even though it will come up. Maybe I'm just looking to put the responsiblity onto someone else?? I dunno, I think I wanted her to help me a bit more in this area. I haven't had any in 7 days. I need to stay stopped I Know

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Melba)))))) You know its not up to her. It would be disappointing, though. We can all support you. How much support did you get to stop drinking? Can you get that kind of support for codeine?

I could go on and on about the kinds of drug addictions I have had in the past. But I wont bore you but I know how hard it is to stop a "secondary" drug once the main drug has been put down. But it has to go....and it seems like you are willing now to do it. It is truly amazing that you have reached the point where you have enough mental health and inner strength to work on this. It is SOOOO step by by and this is the next step in truly living an honest, sober life. I think you knew eventually this point would come.

So, its been 7 days! How will you get through today? Do you have any RL sober friend for support?

[Perna]

Yes, I've found with my genealogy that my brother looks like our great grandfather, our father's mother's father.

I'm glad the dream was helpful to you, sorry about your struggles with the warm, fuzzy, fantasy stuff. I think the want/need for that and the codeine will lessen over time as you have more good dreams but it could be a race with your liver involved, not a good bet if you were drinking heavily before.

[Melbadaze]

Blue, BECAUSE you "NAMED" it today, it made me "SEE", I found a online codiene support site!

[Melbadaze]

I told T about finding a photo of a woman with the same name as my birth mother and looking identical to me and tried to explain how even though she isn't related its helped change something. T said how its maybe Made it real, that there must be someone out there relatEd to me and taken it out of the fantasy realm.

I showed her the photo so she wouldn't think me mad and she agreed it looked very much like me.

I've kEpt the photo of the woman, something about her brings me xomfort, its from the 1800's, i've never been able to tap into anything spritual, I think the loss of my birthmother has always left such A big hole that believing in anything has felt impossibe, but when I looked at the photo of that woman Who has my birth mothers name and looks just like me, it feels spritual, its so wierd, its like it was Put there so I could at last find closure.