Blah, I'm having a hard day

I just feel....YUCK.

Tomorrow is my first day back with T after a two week break, and I wonder if maybe some of the feelings I've been pushing away are seeping back in. I really didn't feel like I was pushing stuff away...I guess I did make a conscious decision at one point to try to not get caught up in a huge trigger, but that seemed like a good thing.

I think that maybe I am just so used to having a place to go once (or twice) a week to just rest and regroup and process, and maybe not having that has caused sort of a backlog of feelings.

I don't know. I'm so glad I get to see T at 2 tomorrow, but it still feels so far away. I hope I am able to go, and feel the connection, and get to work. I hope I don't do the rupture thing that I do after breaks.

BLAH.

[Fartraveler]

((((Tree))))

Take care,
-Far

[WePow]

(((( Treehouse )))) Can you do something today with art to help you express what is going on inside of you in this NOW? That way you can capture this emotion and show it to your T Monday? My T likes it when I do that :-) And it helps me to FEEL what is going on while it is going on - which is really what a T wants us to do. Just go get a chair for T to sit in, then do the artwork. Visualize T just being there with you as you express the emotion. Sounds odd, but it really works for me when I do that.

[rainbow8]

tree, I'm sorry you feel blah today. I think WePow had such a good idea about expressing your feelings with art. I'm going to try that myself! Thanks, WePow.

[granite1]

tree lots of huggs your appointment will be here soon and i hope it goes well for you and you feel cconnected as ever.let your T know everything you were feeling over the break.you made it your appointments tomorrow

[googley]

((((((Tree))))))

I'm sorry you are having such a hard day. Coming back after a long break is hard. You can do it!

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( hugs ))))

[zooropa]

tree, I know you're worried about having a rupture w/T. I just want to say that the fact that you are aware of it and are aware that you have had ruptures in the past around breaks in therapy will help you not go down that same road this time.

I'm so glad you get to see T, finally, tomorrow! You can make it, tree. Just keep swimming.

[geez]

I too have a hard time talking about some feelings and I am incorporating art into my therapy. I'm not doing the art in session but but doing the art at home and then brining it in to discuss (tomorrow is going to be difficult - i drew a pic of 'the girl' and her feelings). I couldn't draw etc in front of my t as I'm an artist and I can't translate what I'm feeling through drawing in the presence of another person (when the feelings are difficult ) (i would edit things in addition to being overly critical of my work).

As WeePow mentioned if you can draw in session with an objective/focus then great or perhaps try it at home and bring it with you?

[seventyeight]

hi treehouse, it's odd to hear that you're having a bad day. maybe it's that you're an "elder" or the nice, solid looking tree avatar by your name, but i consider you to be one of the stronger people on here. you're always giving great advice and whatnot, and it's different to hear of your struggles. anyway, i hope you're doing better. maybe you can write down how you've been feeling, like make a note of the "backlog" of those feelings, and then you'll be in a place where you can get into it quickly tomorrow and "do the work."

(((((((tree))))))))

[BlueMoon6]

((((((((Tree)))) I am so sorry you are feeling this way today. And I am SO glad T is back tomorrow. I love what WePow said about capturing the feelings you are having now, in this moment, with some for of art, or I was thinking poetry, painting or just writing it out diary-style. And then to be abe to access this moments feelings and fears about a rupture tomorrow.

I have see you in this place, trying so hard not to rupture that the rupture happens later on, a few appointments later as you try SO HARD not to rupture with T.

What struck me was the use of the word trigger. As I know the word trigger, it refers to feelings of the past that are suddenly with us now. Maybe it would somehow be helpful to focus on what from the past is being triggered for you. What about T going and then returning. Staying in touch with the past hurts and pain might diffuse some of the power behind a rupture with him.

Just my thoughts.....

Thanks, guys

I left a phone message for T today, and was able to verbalize some of the stuff that is going on. There have been some things with my son who has autism that have been making me really sad for him and some things with my alcoholic mom that I'm not sure how to deal with. A lot of big feelings around those two things. Sadness, fear (with my son), fear, anger (with my mom). Naming it helped a little.

Blue - the trigger was around some CSA stuff, and happened the other night. I was REALLY triggered - thought about calling the on call T - but managed to work through it. It's still there under the surface. Just thinking about getting back into the CSA stuff (which is kind of unavoidable for some IRL reasons that are too complicated to explain here) makes my heart RACE and makes me want to throw up. blah.

I don't feel like we will have a rupture, really. I guess I just feel like I have a lot to talk about. It feels hard.

I have been SO cranky today. Maybe seeing T tomorrow will help.

[justasmallpiece]

Oh Treehouse, I am so sorry you have been struggling. It is hard coming to terms with our loved one's challenges, cuz we just want to fix them so much. I hope you will have a good session with your T tmo or whenever you can get in to see him.

(((Treehouse)))

[BlueMoon6]

I find triggers in my daily life so throw me. I really can feel like i am doing well and then I see what a triggering situation does to me and it brings back to me the power that the original situation had on me. The worst kinds are father triggers and arrogant women who treat me the way my mother did. The father things bring up fear and wanting to RUN. And the mother thing brings of feelings of hatred and wanting to turn it in on myself. Rage. And it can happen in a flash.

Im sorry you are feeling sadness and fearful about your son. We want so much for them and I can so relate to feeling pain for/with them. How is he doing?

About your mom- you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders with her. It seems like T gives you so much support and helps you to deal with that situation.

I wish you a good, connected session tomorrow.....

[WePow]

Sending tons of hugs for you and hope today with T will be healing.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Maybe seeing T tomorrow will help.

I'll ride with you if you need some company, Tree.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I find triggers in my daily life so throw me... arrogant women who treat me the way my mother did.

It's hard to avoid triggers, but then sometimes you realize that people who appear to be "arrogant" are actually quite insecure. I mean, why else would someone work so hard to be nasty? When you can slow down the trigger and think about them, then they lose much of their power over you...