worst session, then worst weekend.

I feel so bad that I can't give support lately. You're just going to have to give me time. No one has to reply to this. I just need to spill.

So, I really want to quit T now. But now it's not because of the money, and now I know I really shouldn't quit, because my reasons now would be out of frustration.

Friday was seriously the worst session I've ever had. We got to talking about certain issues that I've been having regarding sex/relationships. Basically I have a big problem in this area, but I'm so confused I'm not sure where the problem is or what I want to change. It's just this big tangle in my brain. This might have been part of the reason I was considering quitting earlier.. because if I don't know what the problem is, how can T help me? And right now, this is the only thing I really need help with. Everything else is pretty much fine.

This session went round and round. It seriously went nowhere. T was telling me I need to do things I can't do (like say certain words I'm not able to say, and other things). I'm telling her she doesn't understand, I can't MAKE myself do that, no matter how hard I try!! The session went in circles. Nothing resolved. I'm telling T, this is such a mess, I don't know where point A is! And she's telling me, let's start at point G! I'm like, wait, where's point A? And she's saying, "Do you even want to change this?" Like if I'm not willing to get to point G, RIGHT NOW, I must not be willing to change!

I left without saying thank you or looking her in the eye. This is the first time I left so curtly. Then I sent her an email that said, "I don't see the point of therapy anymore."

THEN last night I went on a date with that guy. As an update, I've been totally obsessed, girlish and giddy and stupid, about him. No matter how many times I get hurt I can't help that it's the way I feel when I get into new relationships. I know it sets me up to get hurt but I can't help it. I'm just a sensitive person like that.

So, I got hurt.

This was our sixth date. I thought it was time for the monogamy conversation. So I had the monogamy conversation with him, "If we're going to be having sex, I need to know you're committed to me, only me." Turns out, he's been regularly dating more than one girl, this WHOLE TIME. I don't know how many. He wouldn't tell me. All I know is that I am just one of his girls. That is all I ever was to this guy. THIS WAS OUR SIXTH DATE, AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME THIS! Not until I asked!!! I didn't know he was seeing more than one girl! How could he not tell me this before????

I've been crying all day. I feel so stupid for not seeing the signs. I feel so foolish for not keeping my heart in check. I always give SO MUCH of myself to people in relationships. And now.. again.. I get crushed.

Feeling really, really hopeless right now.

OUCH. ((( jexa )))

I am so sorry. With the skills you've learned, I hope you are able to endure the feelings and make some meaning of it. Easier said than done.

Jexa,



I am sorry you had such a frustrating session. I hate sessions like that too! Maybe your T isn't experienced enough to handle your sexual issues, or maybe she was not understanding you. Or both. Do you think you could try to see her again to straighten it out? I understand not being able to say or do something, and I don't know why she wanted you to start at G when you were at A, or not even at A. Perhaps she's also frustrated and is thinking of a better way to address your issue. Ts don't always know what to do, either.

I feel so, so sorry for what that guy did to you. Maybe it won't help right now, but I want to tell you that YOU DESERVE SOMEONE MUCH BETTER THAN THAT GUY!!! Times may have changed since my dating years, but his behavior is still rude and inexcusable. Unless someone can tell me that his behavior is normal in our day of "anything goes", he is not worth your time. I am really sorry that he hurt you in that way. There are guys who do care about others, and would never treat a girl like that. I trust that you WILL find one like that, Jexa.

oh Jexa, I'm sorry

I think it's great that you recognize that now wouldn't be the right time to quit T, even though you want to.

You definitely don't deserve to be treated the way you were by that guy. I'm glad you found out now vs later, but it still hurts. I'm so sorry.

Jexa,

This guy should have told you from the very beginning so that you could make a choice regarding whether this was right for you or not. I once dated a guy who was dating someone else at the same time, and he told me about it from the start, thereby giving me the choice to make. I am sorry you have been treated so badly and that your trust has been taken advantage of.

Also, I do hope you are able to work things out with your T. I know that you have had a good relationship with her previously. Sometimes it seems like a T wants us to be somewhere we don't even understand how to get to yet. Seems like it might be a good time to regroup and start over. Really let her know how you have been feeling and what you need from her.

Hugs to you and please take care of yourself.

(((((((( Jexa )))))))))

This sounds like such a hard place for you to be in right now. But even though you can't see it, you really are making progress. The reason I say that is because a big part of the work is feeling the pain when we are in a bad pattern. You are doing that today! You are not escaping or trying to rationalize away this bad place. It is where you are, and you are feeling it fully.

Maybe with your T you are projecting some of your own internal frustrations with yourself? A T sometimes will mirror back to us what they observe so it allows us to see our actions from an outside point of view.

Sending you very big hugs as you process through this pain and learning and growth!

I feel so bad that I can't give support lately.
I too feel this way sometimes. No worries

I just need to spill.
Anytime that's why we are here.

This was our sixth date. I thought it was time for the monogamy conversation. So I had the monogamy conversation with him, "If we're going to be having sex, I need to know you're committed to me, only me." Turns out, he's been regularly dating more than one girl, this WHOLE TIME. I don't know how many. He wouldn't tell me. All I know is that I am just one of his girls. That is all I ever was to this guy. THIS WAS OUR SIXTH DATE, AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME THIS! Not until I asked!!! I didn't know he was seeing more than one girl! How could he not tell me this before????
Bravo to you Jexa for speaking up and asking the questions before getting 'involved'. You just saved yourself from experiencing a ton more pain (not that what your feeling is by anymeans easy) Shame on him for leading you to believe something different about your dating relationship.

I've been crying all day. I feel so stupid for not seeing the signs. I feel so foolish for not keeping my heart in check.
That part of you is special (the part that wants to give an recieve love). Shutting down will only make it so the 'right guy' won't see you. After this experience you will be better able to spot the wrong type of guy.

I always give SO MUCH of myself to people in relationships. And now.. again.. I get crushed. If you feel that you give too much/so much of yourself to people in relationships then what is reasonable to give? What can you learn from this experience?

Stay strong Jexa.

oh ((((Jexa))))) I am so sorry all of this is happening at once. About T, I think you have said before that she might not be able to help you. That although her specialty is sexual issues, she is not familiar with your particular issue and she said so. It really looks like she might not know how to approach this and is trying this or that with you. Seeing if something works. I have had those feelings in therapy. It seems to me that it is up to the T to try something and abandon that approach if it doesnt seem to be clicking. Not to go round and round.

About the guy. Boy oh boy. Have I ever known men like that. Were there really signs you didnt see? I think when I was dating I had kissed every frog in NYCity to find a prince (ha! 17 yrs later....he has lost his crown). The more I dated, the more I was able to narrow down what I wanted. Now, that didnt keep me away from the bad boys (and this guy is def a bad boy), but I became more conscious of who the bad boys were and was a little more alert as to who I was actually with.

I know you have given some thought as to what you want. It is so hard to recognize those qualities in a short period of time in someone. There are ways to slip a round-about question about other dates into the conversation. I dont think 6 dates is a long period of time. It seems like a short period of time to be talking exclusive- especially if he didnt bring up the subject. To recognnize how into you he is. But our bodies tell us otherwise when we are involved physically. I had to STOP myself from getting involved physically before i knew who I was with. This was an impossibe task and took me almost 2 decades to try to do. To get the hang of what I wanted and who was going to give that to me. I wanted love and I wanted it NOW. I also have spent days on my couch crying and not going to work (almost losing a good job) in complete despair. I so feel for you and it just breaks my heart that this happened to you.

Do you trust your T to talk about dating and relationships in general? Putting aside the fact that she seems to be grasping at straws when it comes to the sexual issues you are dealing with.

((((((Jexa)))))

I don't feel like I can give much insightful comments right now. But I wanted to let you know that I care and I am here to support you. I definitely think it is reasonable to have the monogamy discussion before becoming sexually active with someone. So you are expecting the right things. Please take gentle care of yourself.

jexa

Eager to win approval = having sex right away? Or is that too obvious to mention?

Oh my gosh, thank you all for your awesome loving support. I PC!

MUE, I think I am using my skills actually pretty well! I am handling this much better than I could have. Here are a couple of things I did:

- cry, a lot, which made me feel better actually
- talk to my brother and sister, a lot
- watch a movie about how men are all a-holes
- text my friends
- go on an online dating site, where now there are several guys actively messaging me, one of which is VERY cute (well, from his profile ) - much cuter than this stupid guy.

I am recovering much faster than expected! I guess therapy pays off in these mysterious ways.

rainbow, thanks! I am going to swallow my pride and go back to T, despite my email. Blah. I wish I hadn't sent that email to her because now I feel pretty pathetic. Oh well. This was just one session. Maybe we can work things out. And I DO deserve better than this guy! I guess some people don't think like I do about these things.. maybe my heart is too wide open, but I'm not sure I want to change that about myself. Like the Jewel song, "I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way." So I just need to find someone who is careful with my heart. I don't want to get jaded. I really don't.

zoo, you are right -- at least I found out now. At least I was able to have this conversation with him, and he was honest with me when it finally came up. He could have just told me what I wanted to hear and hurt me much worse. I'm still mad, though -- and very disapproving of his behavior.

traction, that's exactly what I wish this guy had done -- given me a choice. I didn't consent to being just one of his girls -- I wouldn't have chosen it if I had known. As for T, maybe I should write out all my thoughts on what is going on and just hand it to her. I am so much more fluent in writing. I am terrible at getting words out of my mouth sometimes. I try to speak and I just clam up. Part of the trouble with this session is I couldn't say everything I was thinking. I just couldn't get the words out. It's so hard to talk about this stuff.

(((wepow))) thanks for reminding me that I'm actually doing well with this. I'm letting myself feel how hurt this guy made me feel. I'm not stuffing it away. I even had the urge to do that -- to wall it up, to not speak of it at all -- and I wasn't crying, I thought I was fine -- and then I chose to talk to my brother about it, and that's when the floodgates opened. I don't deserve this treatment. This guy hurt me, and I deserve to be treated as a human being. It hurts to not be SEEN, you know? It's like, I let him see me in an intimate way, and he didn't SEE. And it hurts. And it's ok that it hurts. Because the fact that it hurts to be treated that way, means I value myself more than that. I am worth something. It's ok to think I am worth something.

geez, I guess this is a learning experience. I guess in the future I will just have to be more blunt, earlier on, before I am emotionally invested, about what I am looking for in a relationship. I don't want to waste time with someone who is not on the same page as I am. I may be young, but when I get into a relationship, I consider long-term potential to be the most important thing in the relationship. And for me, long-term potential means dating a guy who wants marriage, kids, and settling down (eventually, but not right now). Also it means dating a guy who is compassionate, intelligent, and honest. So I guess I will have to start out by looking for those things, instead of getting all wrapped up in my chemical reaction, the strong feelings I have in romantic situations. *sigh*

Blue, I think you are right about T -- she doesn't know exactly what to do. Also, since part of my problem is being unable to say certain things, she doesn't even know the full thing of what is going on. So I imagine this is pretty frustrating for her. Maybe if I can find a way to write things down, that will make it easier.

Maybe there were signs I didn't see -- I don't know! I wish I could go back in time and re-analyze our conversations to see what I missed! This guy seemed like a nice, normal, kind-hearted guy! He was even awkward and self-deprecating at times, though very fun to be around. He did not seem like a bad boy! Is it unreasonable to expect exclusivity after 6 dates? FYI, this was over a period of 7 weeks -- almost 2 months -- of dating once/week (skipping one week because he was at a music festival). And I definitely think the exclusive talk is 100% required (for me) before starting physical stuff.. I just can't do it any other way. Six dates later, most people start to expect that things get physical. And honestly, I'm craving it too. And I just can't say no when it starts. So somehow having the exclusive talk needs to be ok at 6 dates -- even if that means scaring someone away. Blah.

I think what hurts the most is that I am sooooooo lonely. I miss my ex, I miss having someone sleeping in my bed. Like you were before, I want love NOW. I crave connection and his behavior crushed me because it reminded me just how lonely I really am. I even considered trying to be friends with benefits with him, just to have physical contact with somebody. But I know I couldn't handle that emotionally - I am not that kind of person.

(((googley))) I'm so sorry about what is going on with you. I haven't been able to support lately and I am so sorry about that. Your last thread brought me to tears thanks for providing support anyway to me. Thanks for being so validating -- I don't think it was unreasonable to want to be exclusive if we were going to be sexually active.

((((((granite)))))) thanks so much for the hugs.

BLAH. Stupid men!

Maybe one of those guys I contacted online will work out? Maybe the super cute one? He makes good money, too! Or maybe the other guy, the 30 year old -- older than I've ever dated, but he seems so sweet and we ranted together about how we don't get how people can just have random hookups. It's helping me to have these other guys interested in me There are more fish in the sea..

Haha you are probably right. OR it's raging hormones! Or loneliness. Or all of these.

(((((Jexa))))) You really sound GREAT! Well....that didnt take long! I love the online dating thing. About being exclusive before getting involved physically, I think you hit the nail on the head. Maybe even because it is hard for anyone to know what to do- both male and female. You know, maybe you were right about him, that he was a nice, normal, kind-hearted guy- fun and kinda awkward, who didnt know how to get what he wanted. Meaning the right person for him. Either that or he is just a creep. Probably not. I cant imagine you dating a creep for 7 weeks. And he did tell you about his other dates. He is probably just not a terribly savvy dater. It was totally his loss. On the postitive side, he gave you more of a feeling for what you DONT want in a date or in a potential marriage. (and Im glad the friends with benefits idea went out the window.....LOL!)

Well....you can now take your hormones and move onto better things! I like the guy who isnt into random hook-ups...hmmmmm......

Jexa ---- I think you NAILED it right here:

" I am worth something."

THANK YOU!!!! YES!!! You most certainly are!!!!