worst session, then worst weekend.

I feel so bad that I can't give support lately. You're just going to have to give me time. No one has to reply to this. I just need to spill.

So, I really want to quit T now. But now it's not because of the money, and now I know I really shouldn't quit, because my reasons now would be out of frustration.

Friday was seriously the worst session I've ever had. We got to talking about certain issues that I've been having regarding sex/relationships. Basically I have a big problem in this area, but I'm so confused I'm not sure where the problem is or what I want to change. It's just this big tangle in my brain. This might have been part of the reason I was considering quitting earlier.. because if I don't know what the problem is, how can T help me? And right now, this is the only thing I really need help with. Everything else is pretty much fine.

This session went round and round. It seriously went nowhere. T was telling me I need to do things I can't do (like say certain words I'm not able to say, and other things). I'm telling her she doesn't understand, I can't MAKE myself do that, no matter how hard I try!! The session went in circles. Nothing resolved. I'm telling T, this is such a mess, I don't know where point A is! And she's telling me, let's start at point G! I'm like, wait, where's point A? And she's saying, "Do you even want to change this?" Like if I'm not willing to get to point G, RIGHT NOW, I must not be willing to change!

I left without saying thank you or looking her in the eye. This is the first time I left so curtly. Then I sent her an email that said, "I don't see the point of therapy anymore."

THEN last night I went on a date with that guy. As an update, I've been totally obsessed, girlish and giddy and stupid, about him. No matter how many times I get hurt I can't help that it's the way I feel when I get into new relationships. I know it sets me up to get hurt but I can't help it. I'm just a sensitive person like that.

So, I got hurt.

This was our sixth date. I thought it was time for the monogamy conversation. So I had the monogamy conversation with him, "If we're going to be having sex, I need to know you're committed to me, only me." Turns out, he's been regularly dating more than one girl, this WHOLE TIME. I don't know how many. He wouldn't tell me. All I know is that I am just one of his girls. That is all I ever was to this guy. THIS WAS OUR SIXTH DATE, AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME THIS! Not until I asked!!! I didn't know he was seeing more than one girl! How could he not tell me this before????

I've been crying all day. I feel so stupid for not seeing the signs. I feel so foolish for not keeping my heart in check. I always give SO MUCH of myself to people in relationships. And now.. again.. I get crushed.

Feeling really, really hopeless right now.