any thoughts would be appreciated...

SOo my T retired a while ago now - last OCt i think and i went through some stuff....for a long while lol - i guess i disapeared off the radar....
he has contacted me a couple of times before he moved away but hasnt been in touch for about 4 to 6 or 7 months ... so I thought that was it ..... (time doesnt mean much to me im disassociated most of the time now - not really present)

then out of the blue he contacts me today to see how i am and i tell him (of course being me ) that i am fine

he's ging to send me some stuff down form whereever he is on ... what do i cal it ..emm collecting? building walls of things to protect myself from the universe lol getting in a total mess lol - dunnno - im prob not being very clear - so stop rambling P7 - so im not in therapy anymore so maybe this doesnt belong here.....Mods feel free to move me where you will ok ..

but he was my therapist and i guess i was really happy to talk to him .. but after he went i just wanted to cry..... how dumb is that for those of you that dont know me or him - he was my therapist until his cancer got bad and he had to retire............. and move away.

So why arnt i happy ... why do i feel so desolate.......... the relationship between my pdoc and I seems to have deteriorated since i was Labelled Borderline Personality Disorder as well as PTSD....... I think whereas he thought he could help me wiht PTSD now everything seems to be (maybe just in my mind) hmm wel thats all part of Borderline - sighs......

I just feel so sad and i have no idea why........ you guys are the only ones who can understand where im coming from........

I guess its just a bit dark out there at the moment..

take care one and all

P7

Am i the dreamer or the dream???? who can tell.........

P7 have you thought about finding a new T to help you?

(((((Phoenix)))))

I'm sorry you're feelings so sad. Do you think that former T's contacting you triggered some old memories and that's why you're feeling the way you are? I also have BPD so I understand how your feelings can be overwhelming at times.

I agree with granite about seeing another T. Have you considered doing that?

I just dont think i can face going through everything again - i made an appt a while ago wiht a new T then laid in bed tillthe appointment time was past and i had no hope of gettingthere and rung up and apologised...

so i dont think that wil happen.. i guess ive been off denying and evading thigns again - thats why my flat looks like a tip lol - maybe him calling me just reminded me how much more i have to do..that Im still not managing to keep present and keep my affairs in order...and that ..well...that the only T of the 4 ? ive seen that helped me is gone..
just feeling sorry for myself maybe? buck up your ideas P7 lol

thanks for you replies - i do appreciate them.

P7

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( P7 )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I started to write a reply and it disappeared

since yr former T knows you so well, could you maybe chat for a little while and get his $0.02 (US lol) on trying with another T vs. trying to cope by yrself?
I hate to think of you with drooping feathers and sagging on yr perch. Please be well it's great to hear fromyou again.

Yeah, the sadness is mourning the "loss" of your therapist.

Please reach out for help with another T? It won't be the same, but it can be good in other ways.

Phoenix I like SAWE's suggestion. I don't know what else to say, but sending you hugs.

Me too.

(((((( P7 ))))))

I agree that your old T contacting you could be triggering all sorts of things - sadness from the loss, reminding you of what's undone, and a splash of reality of your current situation which isn't all roses and sunshine.

It can create a whole whirlwind of emotions. Kinda like being in therapy....I spend most of my time avoiding feelings...and then BAM, I am supposed to FEEL in therapy - and it's pretty anxiety producing for me. So, any engagement with T would be a trigger for me to feel....So, perhaps there's some of that going on too for you?

I like the idea of you reaching out to your old T for some guidance and perhaps trying a new T. I know that's a hard thing to do, but one thing I've read is that you don't really "start from scratch". You start from where you are now.



BIG HUGS

P7 -- your pain is very honest and real. It sounds like you haven't gone through the grief yet of loosing your T. I think it speaks volumes for YOU that your former T called to check on you. That means you touched his heart with who you are as a person.

Phoenix, you are very capable of getting better. The only way that this is going to happen, however, is for you to be proactive. I have know you for years here so I feel that I have the right to tell you that I want to kick your butt to get you moving!!

thanks everyone and lol Sannah - my T has used that same threat on occasions

I guess i worked out part of what his call triggered - iw as very happy to talk wiht him - but the feeling that it brought back goes back to wheni was attacked and when i was a child - - its being powerless - i cant fix his cancer, i have changed but i dont seem to be able to fix me - I miss his honesty and the fact that he knows me so well - there are very few that read me as well as he does - or did ..... I KNOW i cant change things - he has cancer - i stil have probs - BUT I WANT TO !!!!! stamps feet and ruffles feathers grrr! and yes i know thats unrealistic.....

maybe i need that kick up the butt Sannah !

i am moving - maybe at a snails pace - maybe two steps forward one back - but i am moving.....

but i dont seem to learn grrrrr! e.g., fix my finances set a plan to repay debts - then stuff it up - then fix my finances etc..... unless i find out why i keep beign so darn stupid i wilkeep repeting these mistakes over andover like i do - I know all the right coping mechanisms and techniques - geez ive read thousands - yet when i get agitated and sad i either want to SI or over eat or over spend money i def dont have - sighs... see NOT LEARNING!! (I have a feeling the wall will break before my head does ....)

and this damned Borderline label - whyd i have to have that - it makes me feel like i should have a bell round my neck and a sign warning people off - (no offense to other Borderlines meant )

i guees im not making sense - i dont think im "sick" enough to need another T - i dot want to waste a T's time - the T before this said that i needed to do self development classes - that there was nothing wrong wiht me YAY! - i did a self dev class - it just made me triggery - they were all jumping up and down and shouting "i'm absolutely fabulous" "Awesome!" - hmmm dont think i fit in lol

I'm feeling better - somehow working out why i was sad helps - i dont feel quite so out of control now - only 2 out of 4 runaway horses lol

and yes there is grieving - and loss - and lots of other things - but thats life isnt it

thanks for helping everyone -

P7 (settles on perch and puts her head under her wing and closes her eyes hoping it will all be all right in the morning )

Phoenix, I can understand how you would be triggered because you feel powerless to help your T.

SI, eating, and overspending are all addictions to distract you from your feelings. Working on and through those feelings is how you get rid of addictions and you do need a therapist to do this.

And here is another kick in the butt to keep you moving!!

ewwww, run away, run away!!!!!!!

the person who really needs a kick is the T who said, there is nothing wrong with you. OBVIOUSLY you were reaching out for help, what kind of help is that grrrr

I imagine that instead, you would need a T who would present his/her finger as a perch for you to step out on. there is no HURRY Phoenix, but I hope you find your way forward soon, so you won't hurt so much. this is for you

(((((P7)))))

I think you are getting good advice here. Just wanted to let you know I've read your posts and am hoping you are feeling better soon.

thanks for the kind thought s (and the motivational kick up the butt sannah lol) - just finished 4 night shifts - so havingtrouble sleeping - i think things have settleld down - i made a financial plan again lol - and the rest wl hopefully slip into place

thanks for you thoughts they have helped - take care - hugs P7

your feelings are normal...when one has a T and the client expresses deep things...the T serves as a type of parent....the bpd thing...just you know there is a prejudiced perception out there for bpds and it fully sucks huggys sweety

Very good Phoenix!

(((((p7))))) A huge part of recovery and stable emotions is one of the steps ... to accept the things we cannot change... I hate this step!! It stinks that your T has cancer. And that would be so frustrating because you naturally love your T and would want to do anything to be able to make your T "OK" again. I am so sorry that you are going through this loss.

thats it wepow - i know i have to accept things - but the child inside is stamping her feet and saying shant! wont ! not going to !!!!! make it all stop!!!!!

I cant make him better , sighs, i cant instantly change who i am - its taken me a longtime to get here .......just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other - anyway im fine now - so dont worry ok takce care

i'm BPD too and i have an amazing therapist even having some silly staff but its ok and your therapist didnt damp u like this but as aresult of disease and may be the time now to search for new one who really can and accept treating BPD as its along journy for both pt and therapist .so,you should not fight it alone as its really difficult and may be impossible for any one to deal with it alone ,and if your previos T accepted to be incontact with him it will be agood resorce of support plus a2nd openion and advicer till you will get trust and relation with new T .
take care of your self