[mixedup_emotions]

My session with T is tomorrow...He was on vacation, so I haven't seen him in 1-1/2 weeks.

I'm sure he'll be reading the post that I did on my group T blog when I commented on his "degrees of honesty"...and the doubts that I was having, that the therapeutic relationship is basically the T giving the client what they need in order to model it for them but that in reality, it's just a bunch of BS. And that idea was upsetting to me and helped me to feel more distant and cautious.

Now, 1-1/2 weeks later, when I think of this topic that will most likely be addressed with T tomorrow, I come up empty. Totally empty.

Can anyone help me stimulate my thinking/feelings on this? I am facing a major block here, and I'm sure it's my own self-protective defense mechanisms kicking in.

Hey, just by typing this post....something came to mind....Perhaps I am afraid of getting close to T, afraid of letting myself FEEL close to him. I am having trouble grasping the idea of intimacy and am leery about the authenticity of his care for me. I'm paying him for this "modeling", after all.

And the other more obvious issue is that I've been very giving of myself to those that have ultimately hurt me, again and again, in awful ways. So, I am generally very guarded with my feelings.

I don't know. I wish I had a better handle on this....

[WePow]

((((((((((( MU )))))))))))))) The fear of getting close to T sounds like what I did. It is so hard to allow ourselves to fully TRUST that someone is going to be there for us - someone who will not let us down (again).

As to getting your thoughts rolling - can you do art therapy to draw a picture that represented how you feel about that post?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Hey, just by typing this post....something came to mind....Perhaps I am afraid of getting close to T, afraid of letting myself FEEL close to him. I am having trouble grasping the idea of intimacy and am leery about the authenticity of his care for me. I'm paying him for this "modeling", after all.

And the other more obvious issue is that I've been very giving of myself to those that have ultimately hurt me, again and again, in awful ways. So, I am generally very guarded with my feelings.

I don't know. I wish I had a better handle on this....

This is very good MUE! Keep going with it! Keep us updated?

[seventyeight]

Hey, just by typing this post....something came to mind....Perhaps I am afraid of getting close to T, afraid of letting myself FEEL close to him. I am having trouble grasping the idea of intimacy and am leery about the authenticity of his care for me. I'm paying him for this "modeling", after all.

And the other more obvious issue is that I've been very giving of myself to those that have ultimately hurt me, again and again, in awful ways. So, I am generally very guarded with my feelings.

hi mue, interesting that these two issues are coming up now, on the heels of your therapist's vacation. i think it's definitely related. it sounds like him leaving has triggered you in some way, and now you're struggling with getting close to him and being guarded about your feelings. i think it's normal, he left - and your protective mechanisms went off. maybe that's something you can talk about..

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone, for your insight.

I guess it will be worth exploring in therapy today. *sigh*

I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it or know how to describe my feelings. At the moment, I'm just overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety....just too much going on, and such despair in my life. I hate it. I really do. I've shut myself off from the world. My daughter is with her dad on vacation at the moment, and I'm glad she's not around because I don't have the energy to take care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of.

We had some serious rain here yesterday, and our neighborhood was flooded. Luckily, no water got in the house because I have the garage sandbagged...but stuff in my yard floated to a corner of the yard, my new lawnmower and other equipment was under water, my shed was filled with at least a couple feet of water - and I haven't been able to assess the damage yet.

Then, some creepy guy was going door to door in my neighborhood. My one neighbor answered it and recognized immediately that something was not right - and he called the cops. The cops arrived just as the guy was approaching my house!....Not sure what happened there.

Then, I found out that a couple weeks ago, a house a couple streets away was ambushed by some robbers who gagged them and tied them up, then took off with their belongings. I live in a nice neighborhood - yet this stuff is happening?

My ex has been clingy towards me - and actually stunned me with hugging and kissing me the other day. I was caught off guard. ACK. So, I had to diffuse that situation and put it back in its proper place.

Then, my CEO, this morning, basically chastised me in front of senior management.....

I hate this.

[jexa]

OMG MUE!!!!!! This all sounds SO stressful! Holy crap, of course now is a tough time! And all this plus your session today. BLAH. How did it go, anyway? I hope your T didn't push you too hard, since all these stressors are so tough to deal with

Endless hugs.

((((((((((((MUE))))))))))))))))

I hope you were able to connect with T today...how did it go?

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone....

Session with T today was "eh"....

I didn't feel the connection. We didn't talk about my post....I basically just ran through all the things that I'm going through and how I've shut out the world.

T commented that I'm "in a hole" and since I have very little energy, I need to take small steps to build some traction and get out of the hole.

I already know that. Been down this road before.

Whatever.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( MUE ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

one breath, one step, one day, then one more. You are not alone.