T wants me to talk about s--.

OK here are some of my personal thoughts on arousal…I am NOT a trained professional so…they may be totally wrong.
I did search for, but unfortunately could not find, an excellent article that explained several different types of arousal. For me the article was a big turning point because it presented the idea that the body’s mechanisms for raising its state of arousal was NOT just about SEX. It is important and involved in many, many other body functions that we never think to associate with “arousal”. What I also liked about the article was that it described different types of arousal that may initially or superficially FEEL the same….but were initiated for TOTALLY different reasons. Reading this really helped me because my mind at the time was telling me that I was a closet homosexual but just hadn’t consciously realized it yet. Which as I’ve come to realize is not true… my sexual orientation has very little to do with my general arousal response. Another thing that I liked about the article was that it hinted at the fact that if you allowed you arousal response to continue beyond that general, initial adrenaline rush and take its natural course… the different types of arousals often end with very different results. This was another bombshell for me….ALL adrenaline rushes do not necessarily END BADLY! I’m sorry but I searched for this article all day but couldn’t fine it.

For me as a wild child prone to impulsiveness and “bad” behavior, the adults in my life always seemed to insist that I must learn to control myself and not under any circumstances fall victim to my body’s responses. Maybe this coupled with CSA experiences where I felt the effect of physical sexual arousal but mixed up with other things like power, violence, feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, having a horrendous disability called…FEMALE really messed up my connections. Healthy cognitive associations with arousal were not made. I guess as I developed this mandate to control myself and the threat of succumbing to the evils of the flesh, and all the other crap really distorted my thinking about how to deal with arousal. I think what happened to me is I ultimately learned that the minute I sensed anything remotely like “arousal” to immediately withdraw (physically/mentally) from my body. So I never got a really chance to practice interpreting, managing, decimating, and allowing myself to experience all the OTHER types of arousal responses.
The arousal response is a highly complex but a very generic body response. I now see it in the same way that I see our body’s inflammatory response. Whether you get stung by a bee, inhale an allergen, workout too aggressively, or are cut open during a sterile surgical procedure your body’s initial response to cells dying is pretty much the same. And I might add that the death of even just one of our 50 trillion cells releases chemical compounds that alter the cellular environment of surrounding cells which ultimate causes a ripped effect throughout the whole collective hive-the body. Our body IS that sensitive whether we’re aware of it or not. When you think of the arousal response in this same way…it’s essentially is just a chemically-mediated cellular response. It is what WE assign to it when it is intense enough to be detected by the brain that messes us up. I you’re like me it’s immediately assigned the “sexual arousal” label and then the internal alarm bells go off, the mental noise loops start to play, the trauma cycle starts, and all hell breaks loose.

So for me I’ve been working a lot on when I feel the jolt of an adrenalin rush to tell my brain to create space or a pause before for I start judging it. The good news for me is…the pause is working and SLOWLY I am learning to bring my body back online and practicing the skills I missed.

rain how can you be so scared about going to T to talk about this and still come up with something to make me feel a little bit better.you are amazing and i think your T should feel lucky to have you as a client.i hope your sesson goes well and ill be thinking of you.i really needed some good words today Thank You

rain no need to ever hide.

lost in termination: At the time, I thought my T misunderstood me, but now, especially with what chaotic posted, I think my T was probably correct. In other matters, I have felt that my Ts misunderstood me, and when that happened, I got very angry and I had to keep talking about it until I felt understood.

The T that told me no one would say what I did, was actually an excellent T. In fact, I still email her occasionally and she emails me back. However, I agree that she shouldn't have made that judgment. How does she know what % of clients would talk about it, anyway?!

chaotic, I wish I could find that article!! Do you know if it was on a website, or have any idea where you read it? But there must be more written on the subject; I'm going to search too.

Quote:

What I also liked about the article was that it described different types of arousal that may initially or superficially FEEL the same….but were initiated for TOTALLY different reasons. Reading this really helped me because my mind at the time was telling me that I was a closet homosexual but just hadn’t consciously realized it yet. Which as I’ve come to realize is not true… my sexual orientation has very little to do with my general arousal response.

This is just the kind of information that I need. Thank you! Do you think my T knows the above or do I have to tell her? Do you remember what the other reasons are?

Quote:

I you’re like me it’s immediately assigned the “sexual arousal” label and then the internal alarm bells go off, the mental noise loops start to play, the trauma cycle starts, and all hell breaks loose.

Maybe for it's the "My T makes me feel so loved" label, and that's all it is. Not so complicated. To think I've been bothered by this for years, and now you gave me an alternative way to think, chaotic. Hmmm. Wonder if I still have to talk about it tomorrow with T.

Thank you, granite. I'm glad I could help you.

Rainbow, after I commented yesterday, I went back and read what you originally wrote and my reply. I wanted to delete or edit but the edit button was no longer available. I was thinking...

Maybe, your T's comments were very genuine? Hardly anyone would tell a T something so graphic....and because of this, T sees you as courageous. Perhaps, the comment was meant to show you that T recognizes you are doing the work, and willing to talk about EVERYTHING, including that which might be uncomfortable for most people.

Good luck tomorrow!

Thanks, lost. I never thought of it that way. I always thought she was criticizing me, but why would she want to shame me that way? No T wants to shame us.

Rainbow, Since I had a male T, I did not have the mental gymnastics of "Am I a lesbian?" but instead I felt a massive amount of guilt at having this tantalizing adrenaline rush about the T - vs. my husband. And I felt the rush as very addictive, let the sensual thought (kiss) go through my mind over and over so I could feel the rush over and over. This was the most distressing aspect of the sensual feeling, that I felt it was out of control.
I talked to my T about this concern in a very round-about way. I said I was having a distressing obsessive thought, and asked how to deal with it.

I say do not force it; she's got some idea of what's going on because of what you revealed about the prior T. You are allowed to respond "I'm uncomfortable talking about this in more detail. Maybe another week I will feel ready". She will respect your boundary.

Anyone ever heard of "Anna O."? It is a famous case out of the days of yesteryear. In particular, she was a patient of Josef Breuer, a collaborator of Sigmund Freud. Her therapy did not succeed, at least partly because the therapist panicked when he realized what was happening. I think therapists now, at least the good ones, know a lot more about transference than they did then. "Anna O." was actually Bertha Pappenheim, and books have been written about what happened with her after her therapy "failed". It is not a totally happy story, but I found it highly interesting. You can really learn a lot from things that happened in the past. Especially if you think you understand more of what it was all about than they did themselves!

BlackCanary, I am all psyched up to discuss it TODAY. I know it's not about sex after all, so I feel better. It's about the total picture of my attachment problem. I see it more clearly; I just hope T doesn't confuse me now.

Pachy, yes I heard of Anna O. and her transference/love for her T, but I never read much about it. Why IS therapy this way, anyway? I know the answers to that, but still.......

Rainbow... sending good thoughts for you for today session !!!

Rambow I get this label too. I think sometimes it just the sense of connection-intimacy that can trigger a response. For me my biggest issue was the fear the noise in my head created when the adrenaline was released and my heart rate quickened and it felt like all the nerves throughout my body were firing. This sensation was linked a long long time ago to sexual experiences that were kind of a mixed bad if you know what I mean. Also, for me since as a child I was somewhat fearless...simple violence or standing strong in the midst of chaos and feeling the rush of power was very intoxicating. So now as an adult ANY stimui that elicits a general arsoual (adrenaline rush) immediately brings these memories forward. The pause or space that I've been able to create lately seems to give me a moment to tell myself..."this situation is different." and then CHOOSE what response is best for me at THIS moment in time.

This has been a really hard thing to work on without really talking directly about it with my T. I remember once last summer I had a really stressful T session, memories were surfacing my T was pushing me to verbalize but my voice just couldn't. I remember I left that session where I was able to contain my response but kind of exploded afterwards on the golf course. It was all the cells of my body were exploding with energy. I played an awful round of golf but I was literally crushing the ball and came very close to punching one of the other players..not because I was angry but because..IDK she was near me and I needed to expend my excessive energy. Lol...luckily I directed it at the poor golf ball instead.

I hope you can have a good chat with your T. It would provably make managing things a bit easier. I will say now that I haven't had this problem lately so I must be not as affected by the stress of trying to share my thoughts in therapy.