[rainbow8]

I like T very much, but I always find aspects of my T that I don't like. It could be that I'm afraid of the closeness. If I feel close to her, then what does that mean? I'm not being facetious; I just don't get it. Why does she have to become so important to me? It hurts when I get too attached to Ts because I'm always going to be disappointed with them. My former T said the relationship just has to be "good enough." It's not going to be perfect.

We're going to try the EMDR with me watching her fingers. That means she is going to sit closer to me. I want desperately to get past my fear of being close to her-both emotionally and physically. I feel like there's this huge mountain I have to climb up, or bridge to cross, but it feels more like a cliff. Like I'm on the brink, but I never get there. I "almost" get there in my session, but I hold back because I don't want to fall over the edge. Then I have to send her painful emails about how I feel. She keeps telling me "it will take time" to feel better. I wish I could bypass this stage of "wanting her to be everything to me" but feeling guilty about that. I've never gotten beyond that in therapy.

I'm sorry I keep starting threads about the same subject.

[zooropa]

don't be sorry, rainbow. You have nothing to apologize for.

I wish I had the right words to say to you, but I just don't know. I do that it if it helps you to talk about it here, do it. Talk about it day and night. There is so much wisdom and support here. I am only offering the support part right now, but I hope it helps, a little.

[geez]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I wish I could bypass this stage of "wanting her to be everything to me"

Thank you rainbow for posting this. I too feel the same way about my T. A part of me loves her and another part of me doesn't like her and doesn't want to be close to her/ allow myself to be vulnerable to my feelings in her pressence. For me it's about self preservation in terms of not being vulerable however i have that internal tug of war. - Wanting to be loved, feeling needy, and equally wanting to push my T away. There's a part of me that feels sad that she will never be everything to me. I'm always looking for that 'perfect relationship' to fulfill the little girl needs.

Wishing you peace.

[Perna]

We attach to everyone who is important to us, with greater and lesser degrees of attachment depending on how important they actually are to us or who they "represent". I remember in my teen years being in love with various women, teachers, camp counselors, and volunteer leaders I was helping, etc. My stepmother and I did not have a very good relationship and I needed that "practice" of attaching well. I think there's various developmental growth spots/situations where we need to learn or work through attachment issues. A teenage girl is becoming a woman and needs to learn what that is and how to deal with love feelings, etc. for both future mating and child bearing behaviors. Boys attach to their mothers and then over to their father's to learn to be men but girls attach to their mothers, over to their fathers, and then back to their mothers again to learn to be women. If anything goes "wrong" during any of those periods we don't learn important behaviors but some of that can be learned/practiced later. I did eventually "grow up" through my attachment and work with my T.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I like T very much, but I always find aspects of my T that I don't like. It could be that I'm afraid of the closeness.

Or maybe it's just that you don't like certain things about her. Which is OK. For most people we don't like 100% of how they are and this is normal. No one is going to be our perfect person.

Originally Posted by rainbow

My former T said the relationship just has to be "good enough." It's not going to be perfect.

My T has said much the same. He even put numbers on it. He said if a relationship can be good enough if it is 1/3 attuned, 1/3 misattuned but you fix it (rupture/repair), and 1/3 misattuned and you don't/can't fix it. I don't know where he got these numbers, but if he and I ever have disagreements and we don't fix them, I can reassure myself by putting it into that 1/3 misattuned/unfixable category and know that our relationship is still good enough. And it gives me the freedom to just let some things go, and not dwell on a lack of perfect attunement. Essentially, it's letting the other person be human.

Originally Posted by rainbow

I'm sorry I keep starting threads about the same subject.

That's because this subject is important to you. It's OK.

Good luck with the EMDR. I'm glad you are willing to try new things. If it doesn't work with the fingers, then you will have learned something valuable for the next time.

[rainbow8]

I've been so jealous of people today. In RL, I mean. Feeling like that only makes me want T more. I just want to sink down into her nice, comfy couch and stay there for the rest of my life!! Life is too overwhelming and scary for me.

zoo, thank you. I like when you said talk about it day and night. That's very comforting to me. Maybe if I could do that, I would feel better. If I could get all of the feelings out, either on paper or in my session, it would be such a relief. All the words, too. If you're reading, granite, you're not the only one who has trouble with words. Many words seem like they're just stuck inside of me, hiding. I want to shove them out, but they won't come.

geez, it's helpful to know I'm not alone with these kinds of feelings. Thank you.

Perna, then my attachment to T is for the purpose of learning something I didn't learn. I don't know what that is, though. Probably it's something to do with letting myself attach even though it's not going to be forever. Also not being afraid to let the other person "see" me. I want my T to "see all of me" and still like me.

sunrise,

Essentially, it's letting the other person be human.

I'm afraid of being human and of the other person's human-ness when I get close to someone, especially a T.

It feels so good to have my need to keep talking about this, validated. It feels almost as good as that "container connection."

[quote=rainbow8;1440070]

I like T very much, but I always find aspects of my T that I don't like. It could be that I'm afraid of the closeness. If I feel close to her, then what does that mean?

It's okay to have things about your t you don't like. We all have things about even our closest relatives and friends we don't like. That's NORMAL. Don't overanalyze that. BUT . . . we don't condemn people for their minor faults either, remember that.

My former T said the relationship just has to be "good enough." It's not going to be perfect

.

I think that is very important to remember. NOTHING is going to be perfect all the time. That's just reality.
[QUOTE]

I wish I could bypass this stage of "wanting her to be everything to me" but feeling guilty about that. I've never gotten beyond that in therapy.

Unfortunately, no one can be "everything" to you. You'll be disappointed every time. No need to feel guilty about that. It just is what it is. Instead of spending energy on feeling guilty, use that energy to say to yourself, "This therapy is important to my well-being and my future. I will work with my therapist to move forward." Notice the focus was on the therapy and your progress, not on the therapist.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Chris. BTW, I was wondering how you are, if you went to the hospital or not. I hope you're feeling better.

You're right in what you say about nothing being perfect. I certainly am far from perfect so I don't know why I want others to be.

From your perspective, I can see why you say to focus on the therapy, not the T. You've never had uncontrollable longings for your T, correct? It's hard to understand if you haven't been there. Again, you're right, but if I could do what you suggest, I wouldn't need therapy.