[Melbadaze]

T picked up about 3 weeks ago that I sometimes present as if I'm coping when infact I am not. It happened after a session where she at first thought it was quite adult, BUT-THEN-WHEN-I-GOT-HOME, well all **** let loose and I was emailing with her.

The next session after this she addressed this, she said I thought we were both sitting here together but underneath you were screaming, but you never protest of show this. This led on to all the other times as a young teenager I'd taken overdoses, been sent to psychiatrists but after a few visits it came to nothing, T said I think now I can where you hae always presented this adult persona, she said but I find it shocking that no one saw through that.

Now she says I am aware of this and next time we are sitting here as "adults" I need to look underneath that and see what else maybe going on. I explained how whenever I did go to sch I wasn't an acting out child, I was an acting in, and I'd sit at the back and not speak or get involved with anyone else, but yes inside all this chaos is going on but I can't seem to get it out.

I emailed her when I got back from session yesterday because it was almost another "adult" session, but when I got home I felt I'd not presented myself as I was really feeling so I emailed and told her this. I think its going to be eaiser now to talk about the screaming going on inside now we're both aware of it. Funny when the times ready, these issues suddenly bubble up to the top and will no longer be forced back.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Melbadaze,

I am like this too.... When I saw the Psych for the 1st time ever, my session lasted 10 mins and he sent my GP a letter saying I am fine. Ha!! so much for him known his job the week after she upped my med and is now thinking of changing it and sending me back to psych.

A friend of mines says I didn't tell him everything but I amswered his questions in depth. My GP said even if I was not telling the truth he would of seen through that. But nothing. This made me angry as its like people think I am lying when I not. So I am back to square 1.

[WePow]

Melba - oh yes. It is self defense. Wonder how long it took your T to see "you" ? My T still doesn't know how to see the real me yet. I can appear to be just fine when in the worst pain inside. It is because of the extreme high danger that comes from being so wounded but around those in power who can further cause harm. I call it my turtle shell. Good job seeing your truth!!!!

[granite1]

wow i am glad she was able to figure this out for you and i bet it will help the two of you in the future.esp with you being able to let her in on a little of all that caos going on that you are hiding

[chaotic13]

Mel, when ever I am in T the mode/ego state/perspective that is dominant is my adult, professional, problem-solving persona. Like you describe after the session the other aspects of me often surface and all heck breaks loose in my head. I find myself (selves) challenging what I've said during the session. IDK I'm sure thus happens to some degree with everyone. Kind of like hind sight is 20/20. I guess different Ts handle this differently but my T allows me to express and vent those other parts reactions after my session via email. Which has helped me a lot. HOWEVER, my T has never promised to reply to these expressions. I know she reads them, but she doesn't always respond. The way I see it...I am free to vent after the session and gain personal relief from that release, but I cannot expect her to continue the dialog unless she feels like it. I think this approach works for me because I've LEARNED that her silence is not necessarily a bad thing. In my case my T cares and wants to hear from all aspects of me what is going on, but I am not her main priority out side my schedule appointment time. And personally, I like that she takes care of herself.

Sorry, when off topic a bit... Mel, other than emailing your T when you realize that what you said or how you reacted during the session was not consistent with what was really going on inside? For me writing the emails often helps me (the collective) see and acknowledge how my different parts feel or see things. Once these thoughts and feeling are exposed to myself...IDK the collective seems to work on them and healing happens. Now...I like to express and share what's going on with my T, but...really this exercise is most helpful because in doing so I express and share them with myself. I benefit from it whether my t actually reads my email or not.

[Melbadaze]

chaotic, so you feel by my T engaging in email she isn't taking care of herself and you feel angry that she does engage, always has and has never remained silent? lol... I think from what I've wrote here over the yrs there is no evidence she hasn't been able to take care of herself, but I do understand reading about what other peoples therapist sdo can lead to discomfort and a need to compare, when really there's no need. I was just intrigued by naming of how I present.. I wasn't doubting T s ability to take care of herself. I won't post her caring reply bEcause It may disturb more. X

[Melbadaze]

oh sod it, heres her reply

Dear ......

You try very hard to keep those two parts of yourself separate, because it feels so dangerous to you, but if you could manage to bring them together a bit more you would feel better in the long term I think - it must be exhausting keeping them apart, and also it's hard to operate with only half of your capacity. I think it goes back to the moment of being put on the sofa, because your mother wouldn't risk upsetting your brother, and therefore put both of you at risk emotionally. You needed her to hold you and understand that you were confused and distressed and make sense of your world for you, and when she didn't, you shut down in self protection. I think that's the only way you could survive her - we know that she never helped you make sense of your world, even though sometimes she would give you a distortion of it.

Yes it hurts - because you're holding all that pain inside, instead of making sense of it - and the only places it can go then are into physical pain or projected out, only to come back ten times worse.


Love,
xxxxx

see a reply helps me make sense of it and doesnt repeat the original abandoments I experienced

[chaotic13]

Mel....nonono I didn't mean if a t responds they are not taking care of themselves. I was just saying that in my case I now know that emailing my t is ok. Because she takes care of herself. If she is too busy or thinks I'm being too demanding or whatever she will deal wirh it directly. She will not let me over extend her. I guess I like that I am not responsible for her keeping HER boundaries...if she replies its because she wants to not because she has to. That was all I wqa trying to say.

[looking4polaris]

That sounds like a pretty big discovery to me Like now she may know that there's more going on behind the adult mask whether you want her to or not. That could, potentially, be very freeing. I'm sure there could also be times that you would want to stay hidden. This could be a valuable tool for you.

I wish my T would clue into that. So far, he hasn't picked up on the raging storm of activity and emotion going on behind my calm, emotionless facade. Not sure how to clue him in either. Tips anyone?

Have fun with your new discovery. I'm sure it will take some adjusting to figure out how to make it work best for you.

[Melbadaze]

chaotic, ok thanks for explaining ...