[REEG]

Whew- having a really hard time lately. August has been a hard month, my abusers b day and mine are 2 days apart and fall in this month.

Overall, just struggling with being really reactive and emotionally raw, trying to be gentle with myself. Bad nightmares, I had been fighting sleep by using a stimulant and was only getting a few hours a night.
Screwed up the courage and told my T she was very gentle and scheduled extra sessions. Work has got in the way the last few weeks, but she has really worked to return phone calls.

Last week I got a letter from a family member and past abuser- discussed putting the letter away, recycling it, burning it. So I thought I was doing okay, then went home and read the letter a few days later. Ugh. Have been in a really bad spot since then, not doing well at home or work. Slipped into some behaviors I wish I wouldn't have.

To top it off, I could not make our extra session due to a last minute work conflict. Their receptionist has left, so it's been tough to get messages to T. Today the new receptionist told me there was an opening when there wasn't, so I went and sat in the waiting room only to be sent away.

I will see her Thursday- that seems so far away. I'm feeling such a mix of emotions right now. URGH!!!!

[zooropa]

(((((((reeg))))))) I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I think it's great that your T is helping you by being available and scheduling extra sessions. I know how rough it can be when sleep is just an arena for nightmares. I have also used stimulants to avoid sleep sometimes when it gets that bad. I hope things start going better for you. Hang in there, you can get through this

[WePow]

(((((( Reeg )))))))) Stay as close to your T as you can right now, please. If you need to, draw or do artwork to take into T. Do something that will keep you connected to the safe place you have with your T. Be gentle with yourself.

[REEG]

Thanks, Wepow,zoo. I'm fighting to stay connected at all, want to just shut off and shut down and say forget it all- I'm done with this! AND I know that is old coping stuff, and not helpful in the long run... work stress and ex partner and family stress all feel bigger right now. I know the best way is to slow down and take better care of me. Powering though only intensifies these emotions and then everyone around me suffers too.

[zooropa]

you're right, reeg, about taking care of yourself. That's so important, especially right now when you are going through so much emotionally. I struggle a lot with selfcare, but it really IS such an important part of healing.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by zooropa

you're right, reeg, about taking care of yourself. That's so important, especially right now when you are going through so much emotionally. I struggle a lot with selfcare, but it really IS such an important part of healing.

No doubt, Zoo! Focusing on self care is new for me, and it's not a very ingrained response. So it's those stressful times we revert back to the old habits. I'm trying to subtlely shift the focus from being upset over what I feel or what I did to what I can do. For me, it helps if I can link it to caring for others- for instance, my Dad is out of town and I am watching his dog. So the walk I took tonight was to exercise his dog and help him.. that's what got me out the door. But when I was enjoying our walk, I realized- hey- I'm getting excerise- something I know helps me and I need more of. Left to my own devices I probably would not have walked tonight, but tonight, responsibility to others helped me too. My T knows this and when I struggle to change, she often puts in light not of my pain, but my daughters'. She doesn't use it often but it's a very effective secret weapon.

[zooropa]

I'm glad you got out and that it felt good to do so, Reeg.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm glad you got out and that it felt good to do so, Reeg.

Thanks, Zoo. T today was intense. Much crying (not usual for me) T was very helpful, very present. Just seemed to know how to help, when I felt very overwhelmed and very much alone. So it may be like this for a while, she talked about healthy dependency and needing to grab onto something before you can let it go. And it felt scary and new, but okay for the first time in a long time. So things are feeling worse, but in many ways they are better too, it's a mixed bag and right now my T holds more hope and says that she can see progress. So I have been with her long enough now to trust (2 years) not a blind trust, but a trust built on past experiences with her.
So next week I have two evening appointments! I'm going to try to keep focusing on what positive behaviors I CAN do, and reaching out to others til Tuesday. Maybe I can leave some of this intensity and bad stuff alone for a little while.

[REEG]

okay, no kid at home so It's been even tougher to stay 'on track'. I have been listening to a voice mail T has left, that has helped. As has coming here. Gonna try to get out and distract myself for a while today. What are your favorite ways to 'make it through' til your next appointment?

[lily99]

(((reeg))) sorry things are difficult at the moment
Sometimes when I'm waiting for my next session, I pretend like T is in the room with me. I either imagine or actually have "conversations" with her. I felt really embarrassed and weird about doing it at first, but i was amazed at how good it felt. Other than that, I think it's important to keep yourself busy and to not cocoon yourself at home.

Take care

Hi reeg,

Do you do any journaling? I have found that writing has helped to keep me centered when T is not around, and it has also helped to get out some of my feelings and keep track of where I am.

It helps me get ready for my next session, too...I know what issues I want to discuss! Take care of yourself.

[REEG]

[QUOTE=tractionbeam0610;1470567]Hi reeg,

Do you do any journaling? I have found that writing has helped to keep me centered when T is not around, and it has also helped to get out some of my feelings and keep track of where I am.

Traction beam - That is a good idea I used to be pretty obsessive about jounaling now its very sporadic I usually have a few going at once. Thanks for the reminder! Yesterday I distracted a lot by shopping for furniture and took my nephew and a buddy to dinner Today I'm going to swim and visit an old college buddy. I WILL pull out a journal before I go and later tonight if things get hard. All. I want to do is sleep but that never helps during the day only gets me off schedule and makes the nightimes harder

[REEG]

Lily- Funny you should mention imaging conversations with T. I lost her last vm. Since my carrier only saves them for 10 days before they are deleted. Have been feeling pretty bad about that. Of course imagining contact is something positive I can do. Much better than obsessing about what I DON'T. Have I think maybe I have been focusing mostly on distraction which works well during the day. This is another good one to try at night

[Perna]

If I'm stressed I'll let go of some of my struggling, will let some things slide back to old ways of coping. They work okay and it's only temporary and they are mine, that my head and body thought up for me to protect and care for me originally, they just don't help much in most situations anymore. Habits are good; you brush your teeth because it's a habit, make your bed, eat at around the same time, get up and shower/dress, etc. mostly by habit; keeping to a "normal" schedule like they tell you to do for children helps me get through tough days; I can look forward to the "next" thing if this one is having difficulties (hard time at work? think about what you are going to make for dinner). Just keep moving forward one step at a time.

[REEG]

Thanks, Perna. It's not the 'benign' coping strategies I'm worried about, it's behaviors that really are NOT okay that are worrisome.

Notheless your reminder about routine was a good one. Luckily it was a very engaging Monday at work, then I needed to be with my daughter and since I was bringing her and friends swimming anyway I might as well get in the pool. Feeling a bit more settled now, so that I've gone from that desperate 'don't know If I'll make it' place to "maybe I don't need to go". But I think for Tuesday anyway, I'll stick to the schedule and see how it goes. Off for some herbal tea and an hour with no screen time before bed.