having a hard time without t

So, my T is out of town for most of the month. Luckily, he's in town for a day or two here and there, so I've still been able to have sessions, just much less frequently than I usually do. During his last trip out of town, we were able to connect by e-mail a little bit, which helped, but this time is is totally unavailable.

I am starting to have a really hard time. I am doing so much better since starting therapy, but something I'm not good at yet is sitting down on my own, quietly, at home, and checking in with myself to see what's going on with me. I am starting to unravel a little bit. I'm not hurting myself or using bad coping methods, but I AM tense and kind of on the edge.

Last night, my H said something to me that was SO not a big deal but it hit all of my triggers and I ended up crying and crying and wishing more than ANYTHING that I could just get away from MYSELF and my issues. I really don't feel like I can stand being with myself. And if i can't stand being with me, how can anyone else stand being with me? And so the spiral begins. blah.

I need to go and be with T for an hour and have me be OKAY. I am okay when I am with T, no matter what. I wish I could somehow carry that with myself, but I can't yet.

I see him thursday and it feels SO. FAR. AWAY.

((((((((((( Tree ))))))))))) I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. That is a sad feeling when we want to do anything to not be with our own selves. I get it :-(
Standing here alongside you on this dust covered highway of life...

(((((((Tree)))))))

I wish I had the right words to help you feel better. I want you to remember what a good job you have been doing with T being away while you have been dealing with a very hard situation. You have been so strong while he has been away. I wish that he was there so you could go have your session. I can stand being with you. No matter what you think of yourself. I know you are a wonderful, strong, loving, lovable, kind, supportive, smart, woman and mother. Nothing you think about yourself will take these things away. From what you have said in the past, I know that your T believes these things about you too. I wish I could magically make him take an hour out of his vacation to see you. But until he is back you are stuck with us here at PC. I will sit with you until he gets back. I know it is hard when Ts are away. Do you have any messages from T that you can listen to? I wish I could take away your pain.

Oh treehouse

Sorry to hear that. Can you treat yourself to something nice: cook your favourite meal, go out to a restaurant with H, have a nice bubble bath with scented candles, bath oils, whatever... something relaxing, something you like, huh? If you find that Thursday is far away try to give yourself a project to complete by then, something you enjoy. Try out new things, go on walks, it's the summer! There's so much to do and see out there in the world. Enjoy these few days without him! I wish you well!

I'm so sorry treehouse that you are having the intermittent T syndrome My T often went out of town like that, for 2 weeks here, back a week, out for 3, etc.

I remember it was one of those two or three month periods when I only saw her 4 or 5 times that my 30th high school reunion took place. This happened in a neighborhood where I use to live (on my own) and had seen T 15 years earlier, was about high school (30 years earlier) with an old, lived-out-of-town girlfriend I hadn't seen for years (we roomed together at the hotel where the reunion was) and my class had students who had gone to both the elementary schools I went to before I moved after 3rd grade. The original kindergarten I started at was when we lived where my mother died. Did I say this was my high school reunion, high school where I was miserable, lonely, and felt like a loser?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my T was away that week

What I did to help myself was put it all "on hold". I thought of each major issue as a whole "chunk" and boxed each in my head under an umbrella name like "high school reunion" and refused to separate out the individual snakes threatening to wrap around my neck and choke me :-) Putting up with any anxiety and "geez this is bad!" thinking was easier than actually attempting to address it before T got back on our regular schedule. Think of it like a wardrobe and you have a bunch of different outfits. If new stuff comes up related, hang it in the closet and shut the door! You can worry about whether they need airing or mending or taking to the cleaners later, when T gets back and can look at them with you.

Thanks Tree for starting this thread and all who resppnded very helpful to me right now as well. I can relate to your feelings of not wanting to be with your. Issues perhaps that's why I like distraction techniques so much and they can be very helpful. Maybe some favorite self soothing techniques or imagination/ imagery of being cared for could be helpful? I'm going to work on turning to these more often in the next few days too. Hang in there

tree, I know that I could more than stand being with you. I would love to be with you and soak in your wisdom and be your friend in RL. I'm sorry that you don't feel that way about yourself. I can understand wanting to be with T who accepts you and makes you feel okay no matter what. Can you imagine him being with you and loving you, just a little bit? Imagine his voice telling you that you are okay?

Oh tree I don't know what to say except I really like you and think you have a beautiful soul. One day you'll take the safety of therapy and let it fill you up inside even when you're not there! Takes time.

Offering and hope the time to your T time speeds by for you. Times like this are when I sit in my favorite chair and have conversations with imaginary T. They are my favorite because I get to decide what he says. It usually makes me feel very calm because I can almost feel his presence in the room. I usually reserve these special times for that quiet time after the rest of the household is in bed and I actually have some time to myself...or should I say, just me and T.

I hate when therapist always go out of town. When my clinician went on vacation for a months, i fall apart, even though at that time i had my case manager and i know my clinician will be back, but i miss her and i hate when she was out of town

it will end and T will be back

Dear Tree,
Yesterday after Mass I was just leaving when I saw the littlest boy of a lady in our parish come back into the now-empty church and slide into a pew. His Mom has been out of town for almost a week, getting her two eldest settled in at college in another state. He is the cutest little kid, only five or six, and he was holding a little blanket - I doubted it was because he was cold, it was pretty hot outside.

I went over to him and said, I heard your Mom is coming back tomorrow. His eyes lit up and he smiled at me (both front teeth gone at the moment) and said, yeah!!!

We talked about how hard it is to miss someone, and how far away her return seemed (about 24 hrs) and that when he lay down to sleep, the hours would just zoom past. I asked him to give her a hug from me, for a safe journey home. He accepted the mission, I have a feeling he won't forget.

just thought you'd like to visit him with me. T will be back very soon, Tree. Hang in there

tree