feeling distant

that's why she called, to give me the numbers of 2 other Ts in her practice. I have met them both in group and they are nice and I'm sure they would be fine to call if I needed to, but they are not my T. You know?

I think I could still call my T this afternoon if I can figure out what I need to hear from her before she leaves. I think I want to call and say I'm freaking out and I need her to tell me that I'll be okay. I'm torn between doing that and just trying to push through that urge and go it alone and SEE that I will be okay.

But I'm afraid if I don't call her today while I can then I will really regret it later when I won't have the option of calling. Basically just freaking out.

I totally know about it not being the same.I agree. It just isn't. They don't know the same stuff and we don't have the same connection. I'm just glad that you have someone to contact in case you reach the point you need to. I would say contact her today so that you can touch base. I would hate for you to regret it the whole time she is gone.

(((((googley))))) thank you so much. Your messages last night and today have helped me SO much. I am really just kind of a mess right now.

You won't feel like this forever. Really.

Zoo,
Cherish that fantasy! Don't let go of it. And one day, sooner or later, you will be ready to make it happen!

Zoo, please consider calling her and telling her all about how you are feeling and how your session affected you. Reading here, I do think that would be the better option for you now.

I'm leaving her a message right now

I'm not even too positive what I said on the message. Someday maybe I will learn to plan what I'm going to say ahead of time, it would save a lot of ummmm's. I think I said "I'm kind of freaking out about you being gone and I wanted to see if you could...I just need to know that I'm going to be okay. Or something. So, give me a call back."

If anyone ever wanted to torture me all they would have to do is force me to listen to the voicemails I've left my T over the past year or so. I hate being that needy and emotional and MESSY. ugh.

Zoo, would it help to jot down some notes on what you want to tell her when she calls back? Things you forgot during session, how you feel right now, your worries and anxieties, and so on...?
I also wondered if it helped to call those other Ts in her absence. It is good sometimes to have a wider network of support and a different kind of input into one's problems and state of mind. If you can learn to trust them it will take some pressure off you and reduce anxiety and distress during her absences.

Hang in there. Best wishes,
Oceanwave

that's a good idea, ocean, thanks. I think I will write down a couple things so I don't forget when she calls back.

I actually feel a ton better just having called her, even though I didn't talk to her yet. I guess I know I won't be kicking myself later for not calling. I don't know. My mood swings are all over the place today.

Did you know it's okay to be needy, emotional, and messy at times?

thanks for that, amazon. I'm working on being more accepting of myself where I am, vs where I wish I was.

So, my T called me back and she said she can't guarantee that I'll be okay but she is confident I will be. She said she understands why it's scary for me to know she's going to be out of touch. That helped a lot, because as I told her, I have a hard time with feeling like I need her or depend on her. I don't like that, but it's where I am right now. I told her I don't want to be that person that's freaking out b/c their therapist is out of town. But...I AM that person. There are worse things.

I told her to have a good weekend away. It was a really good conversation and I feel a lot better. I'm pretty sure I'll be okay. And I really hope I didn't just jinx myself, lol.



oops, I forgot I was going to say, she also reminded me that I can call one of the other Ts while she's gone. I was so busy being freaked out that she was leaving that I wasn't thinking much about the fact that she didn't leave me just high and dry. I know both the other Ts and have talked to them each on the phone in the past, so I know I will be ok calling one of them if I need to. I think it was the idea that I CAN'T call my T that freaked me out, when in reality I may not have called her anyway.