Ok, so I know I don't post much and so have no 'right' to ask for help from you guys, but you're all so lovely that I thought someone might help anyway

I've just come back from T (ugh!) and realise that I am never going to get the care & attention I really crave from another person, and that I was supposed to learn how to self-soothe growing up. Obviously I didn't, and so was wondering if anyone knew of any links or things that help them when they need to take care of themselves? I've spent my whole life denying the need to self-soothe, whilst desperately craving it from others (Ts, Drs, peers, bosses, oh and my family! lol), so have NO IDEA how the heck I'm supposed to go about this, and T has decided I'm to go monthly instead of fortnightly so I can't exactly wait a month to ask her (no contact btwn sessions). I want to do something self-destructive right now, but I won't. I'll just stuff it down deep inside and try & get on with some work. Therapy really sucks sometimes!!

Thanks guys

*Willow*

[WikidPissah]

hmmm....it doesn't quite fair that you have to learn to self-soothe by yourself. And no contact w/T...that's kind of harsh too, especially if you're only going monthly.

Anyways....self soothing is a way of comforting/nurturing yourself. I was taught to use the 5 senses. LOOK at something beautiful and admire it(even just web photos is good if you can't go somewhere) SMELL something nice...lavender, roses, ocean, an orange. LISTEN to something soothing, music, ocean, river etc. TASTE something good...I like dark chocolate but it can be anything. TOUCH something soothing, a blanket, silk scarf, pet...etc.

It works well when you combine a few together. I like to go down to the beach, see the ocean, smell the salt air, listen to the waves, feel the sand in my feet. You have to really focus on each thing.

[Perna]

Actually, you probably self-soothe pretty well; check out your "symptoms" there's probably one in there that reduces your anxiety and can be adapted to suit your purposes or "allowed" until you aren't as anxious or don't get as "upset" as often? I use to rock back and forth, for example (until I was well into my 50's!).

I have several books I reread that comfort me and projects I can work on. Sometimes walking helps me, especially in the evening or in relation to one of my hobbies (walking in cool, quiet graveyards studying history or genealogy). Think of what you "like" to do that doesn't harm you (i.e., don't go shopping if you haven't the money :-) or adapt it so it works but doesn't harm you (I use to go to a huge antique "mall" with $10 and make myself find "the" item that was for me; works in grocery stores too, if you could have only one item from a grocery store, what would it be?).

[zooropa]

we had a pretty long thread about this not too long ago, if you search the forum you can find it and there are lots of great ideas there.

Thanks guys!

@zooropa - thanks! I'll check that out for more ideas

@perna - you're right, I already do a lot of the things Eileen mentioned to self-soothe instinctively! I guess the problem really is, how do I stop searching for 'mothering' (that safe feeling we are supposed to get from a mother's love) from others given that I intellectually know I won't get it, but need to give it to myself? (that's a rhetorical question I guess)

@eileen2010 - thanks for your suggestions! I've never had contact with T between sessions (she works through my University counselling service) and we had agreed to go fortnightly, but then we missed 5wks with hols and now my next appt isnt for another 5wks for some reason (no I didn't ask) so I feel like I have to figure this stuff out on my own (with PC help!). Which begs the question - what am I seeing T for?!

Thanks for all your help guys!

*Willow*

[WePow]

(((( willow )))) I think we have to learn how to nurture our inner child if we experienced neglect in our childhood. And that can really only come by being shown and taught how a child should be treated.

And honestly, a T can't give us what we need really. All they can do is teach us how to find out how to get what we need from inside of ourselves. That is the challenge really - esp for those of us who feel like we don't have anything inside of us. But we really do - or else we would not still be here. There is something that keeps us fighting when we really just want to give up. That is what T said anyway.

Originally Posted by WePow

I think we have to learn how to nurture our inner child if we experienced neglect in our childhood. And that can really only come by being shown and taught how a child should be treated.

Is T supposed to show us this? I like my T but I really don't see how I can get shown this with once/month appointments, especially as she seems to be a 'client has all the answers inside them' T who never gives me anything of herself, as in I know nothing about her and she won't even tell me if she had a good holiday!!! She just sits and listens, which is nice, but I don't learn how to do anything different...

Originally Posted by WePow

And honestly, a T can't give us what we need really.

I know this I really do, but I still want someone to take care of me, even though that also completely terrifies me!

Originally Posted by WePow

All they can do is teach us how to find out how to get what we need from inside of ourselves. That is the challenge really - esp for those of us who feel like we don't have anything inside of us. But we really do - or else we would not still be here. There is something that keeps us fighting when we really just want to give up. That is what T said anyway.

WePow, it sounds as if you have a very wise T, especially about the bit where we feel we don't have anything inside us. Thank you for sharing that

*Willow*

[Gus1234U]

one of the best things my T ever did for me was just be accepting. it felt like i had never hat that before, and i learned to mimic it, until i could actually do it for myself. this is how children learn. so, find someone, anyone, who accepts you and just practice being like them, when they are away. accept yourself, then you can start to be kind to yourself, then maybe even like yourself, or better yet, grow to love yourself, and voila'~! you are an accomplished grown up~! Gus