[Kiya]

the place: group therapy
the event: triggered by sound
the problem: i HATE sounds (that are made by humans to reach some primal feeling). these were gutteral sounds.
the problem tenfold: we ALL have to stand up and MAKE the sound. over and over and over.

the result: i stand like i'm participating. I watch the floor but not seeing. I grip my cup. I want to flee - every muscle in my body is ridgid to flee. T is in the room making us make the sounds. my former group t is there too. i want it to be known that i cannot BEAR this. I watched my friend (who is also there) in a different group/different task simply say "I can't do this!" and was ready to leave and GT modified the task for her.

actions: this wasn't about me or even about the group. this was about a person and the group supporting the person. i made myself stay. i was screaming in my head. i wanted benedict (in my bag) but someone had traded places with me and i couldn't get near my bag. The noise continued.

more actions: when we sat, i asked my friend to pass me my bag where i got my hands on benedict (the infameous PC armadillo). It took time. A LOT of time. But I got through. i remembered my breathing excercises. i did them. I was starting to feel like maybe, just maybe i might be ok.

the final straw: T will be gone next 2 weeks. GT was to be my back up. I am going thru a lot of **** right now- working on the shadow side/darkness i hide from me, flashbacks, memories... I had this planned as a safety net. I was set. We all know there's no group next week. But GT says she won't be here. *jog brain* at all? no. i was scheduled for a person who won't be here. straw tips scale.

now: no longer crying. no longer about to SI. no longer about to throw and break things. Am about to eat non-kiya approved foods. just in shock. i couldn't go to fear. i went to "i don't give a ****". it's either that or shock. i know i am not supposed to engage n black or white thinking. ... shock.

[ECHOES]

((((kiya))))

Shock is a good word to describe when so many things happen at once!
Would it be okay to be angry too?
When I find myself saying "I don't give a *****", I know just the opposite is true and it might be good to sit with those true feelings and allow the realy anger about something that anger is a perfectly appropriate response. Finding out t is scheduled to be gone when you have an appointment is certainly one of those times, don't you think?
Be angry at those who anger you, not at you for feeling angry.

[darkrunner]

Is there anyone else who can be a back-up?
Can GT help you find another back-up while she is gone.

That group sounds really awful. It sounds like you did a great job of handling it and staying centered and everything.

i agree with Echoes, try not to be angry at yourself. Anyone would be angry at that situation.

(((((Kiya)))) - I hope things get better for you soon.

[WikidPissah]

awww Kira...that sounds so very difficult. I don't think I could have stayed in there, but here you were doing it for someone else...that's incredible. I hope you can reach out and find someone else to cover for T...you need that safety net...it is important.

[Sannah]

[WePow]

(((((Kiya))))))) wow. I think you did AWESOME to be able to write this all up the way you have!!!! great job with processing through this.

[Kiya]

Thanks everyone for the responses. it helps I am still in survival "**** it" mode and would just rather stay there than be vunerable in the next 2 weeks... I don't want to see anyone else there - that was the major bummer about GT also being gone - I'd finally found a good back up for my own T. And now I don't care (which, Like Echoes said, it really means i care too much and can't deal so it is easier to shut down). I know T wants me to stay open and vunerable - but I don't feel she truly gets that it becomes a life or death situation. Even when in town, if i get there, she can't help - just says "go to the hospital, kiya".

Wow Echoes, yeah. I have been angry - been a lot of things, really... I have therapy today at 3 and have been thinking about trying (or not) to process this with her - and if I want to do this right before she leaves the country. I ran through all the points that built up to this moment (in my mind) - all the pieces of straw that piled up and tipped the scale. And how I would talk to T in asking her to not interrupt me or talk over me or re-direct me or minimize what I just went through. To ask to just be heard. That would be HUGE. like seriously huge. To not have to discuss or analyize it. Just say it as in purging, and be done. i think it is huge to just have even thought about it. so, we shall see... wish they had a lil icon of a scared smiliey wrapped in a blanket.... that would be me

((((((((((All)))))))))

Originally Posted by ECHOES

((((kiya))))

Shock is a good word to describe when so many things happen at once!
Would it be okay to be angry too?
When I find myself saying "I don't give a *****", I know just the opposite is true and it might be good to sit with those true feelings and allow the realy anger about something that anger is a perfectly appropriate response. Finding out t is scheduled to be gone when you have an appointment is certainly one of those times, don't you think?
Be angry at those who anger you, not at you for feeling angry.

[googley]

(((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))

That so sucks!

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( hugs ))))

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Kiya

And how I would talk to T in asking her to not interrupt me or talk over me or re-direct me or minimize what I just went through. To ask to just be heard. That would be HUGE. like seriously huge. To not have to discuss or analyize it. Just say it as in purging, and be done.

I do hope that you ask for what you need here ^ with T.

[Kiya]

So! What came of this is that we didn't even really go near it... well, she appologized about several of the leading factors and that GT would be gone, and how we were both blind sided by that one. She asked me what I wanted to do this coming week and I said nothing - i don't want to see any one else. She let that statement hang. I didn't tell her I had also - angrly- cancelled the following week with GT (while in ****-it mode) ... just like I didn't want to go there and get put in my place.
Thankfully, once we got through some touchy things, we had a really good connection *whew* and there was an email of mine she had wanted to go over (dream) but i reaaaally didn't want that to be the last thing for 3 weeks, so i ept her disatracted =) it worked. Anyway, it felt like a good session to end on until she gets back. She helped me brainstorm something I could do next week - which is already in place - and we are both glad for that. Then she called me next morning from her cell phone - already in another airport line for leaving the country. She wasn't certain she'd get the flight, so I was glad she called and she knows it helps my system from going into shock when i have info straight from her. yay! *whew*. I am thinking there will be no rupture from this. Granted, it's just the first day she's gone... and time moves slow. "I'll be back before either of us know it!", she said. uh, ok. lol She asked me to water her plants while she's gone since I'll be out there for other things. Back to life as usual, I suppose.
((((((((Thanks all!))))))))))