[sugahorse1]

Was supposed to have an app with T this afternoon, but came up with a million excuses to cancel.
I have a LOT of emotions running through me, and think it'll be a bit of waste of time. To clarify: I have a lot of emotions, but no clear issues.
I sms'd her on Tues because I was REALLY depressed and could not see clearly. I was on the borderline of cashing out and I just needed someone to help me.

So this was the last perception she had. Now I feel like I'm at least able to swim - hence I feel like a fraud. As time goes by, I am actually to embarrassed to see her face to face. Because one day I NEED her to help me get out of this hole, but we just cannot set up an appointment quickly enough, and when I see her 2 days later, I appear "Fine".

I cannot carry on like this...!

[Fartraveler]

Don't worry about it, it's OK to go. I do that sort of thing a lot -- depressed and self-destructive one day, fine the next. My T likes to use the OK times to help me figure out how to deal with the poor-coping-mechanism times.

(Because in some ways it's easier to talk about things and figure them out when one is not overwhelmed by difficult emotions.)

My T will say to me, "So, what happened?" I have found sessions at those times to be constructive (and less emotionally fraught).

So, if it were me, I would go.

-Far

[Melbadaze]

yes I've been like that too...wrote crisis orientated emails then once the session arrives its almost like I feel ashamed...but I think both feelings are true and feeling crisis orientated at a distance is my way of communcating how it feels to be alone outaide of therapy..but once back and feeling held my emotions feel more managable...repeat and rinses...I leave the session feeling held only within hours to feel back in crisis unyet there is nothing on the outside thats changeD, accept of course T has put me down so to speak and a part of me cries to be picked back Up...eventually when T shows shes willing to pick me up and that my cries to be held are fine do I begin to internalise her presence and feel less need to demonstrate my needs....jut my thoughts on your post..

[sugahorse1]

thanks guys.
Well, I've cancelled - a part of me is regretting it. I've now tried to formulate a few sms to explain what a mess a feel like, that I feel ashamed, am beginning to feel embarrassed for my yo-yo-ing. And this has really just made it all worse.

I wish i would just look at a T session like a date - it is a non-negotiable; there is a reason the session was scheduled and I need to keep up those meetings.

She says I shouldn't feel embarrassed, but I do... Now i crave having someone to talk to. But at the same time, after today's episodes, I feel ashamed to have to talk to someone face to face.

[sugahorse1]

Next week tues it is... now to not chicken out AGAIN

[Gently1]

Hi Suga,
I see where you are at today.
My new motto for relief of judgement and negative self thoughts is:

"There is time and space for everything I need to do."

you will be at your appointment when you need to be there

take care

[sugahorse1]

thanks - i realise how important it is, as I really am a mess today

[ECHOES]

Glad to hear you will see her soon.
This pattern of being able to talk and accept help outside the therapy room more than inside the therapy room is something to explore and learn more about. Face to face is hard. It has taken me a long time to get used to it and even now after 3 years I can still struggle with it.

[sugahorse1]

I generally hide from people - I converse via e-mail and sms most of the time. Even phone calls - I HATE!
But I'm feeling ok to talk face 2 face with my T. It does take a while before I can open up, and am finding at the moment that we really only get to the crux of things as time runs out.
I just wish i had a 24/7 that I could talk to when I'm in the throws of depression and helplessness. And not have to wait days before the next app

[ECHOES]

and am finding at the moment that we really only get to the crux of things as time runs out.

I understand how frustrating this is and I want to say that when you are more comfortable about opening up, this will happen sooner and the session will feel much better.

[Melbadaze]

sugat, yes that pain of abandoment that the "gap" between sessions triggers, I still experience this but do email T back and forth and work through some of it, you know looking for that soothing response and when gotten life appears manangable again.

[Ygrec23]

Sugar, Sugar, Sugar,

You've had a lot of posts below to comfort you in your decision to cancel. And I hope they've attained their purpose: to cool you off and make you feel better. That may make it easier to read this post, which isn't in quite the same tone. Your T really needs to see you in ALL your states and moods. For him/her to get the best possble picture of you (necessary for him/her to decide on the best direction of therapy) you've got to be there however you're feeling. Even if you really don't want to go. ESPECIALLY if you really don't want to go. It's not really earthshaking if you don't go, it just lengthens the process. If you really want to work your way to mental health in as short a time as possible, you need to make yourself go. I would go even if I were drunk and babbling and my wife had to drive me over. If anyone wants therapy to be really worthwhile, it's a commitment. I want to get through the process in the shortest possible time, because I don't have much time. So I'll go as often as I can and never miss an appointment. Never. What I'm saying was not the case forty years ago. I screwed around in therapy then and wound up with nothing. I know what it is to "flunk" therapy. I will NOT do that again. Why not be serious about it now rather than have to do it over again later? Take care.