[Melbadaze]

Lately this is what is glaring right in front of my eyes in the world around me. Of course I never use to see it, and even engaged in it with others and didn't know anything was wrong with this. But as I go on in my own journey and reclaim my own power back I see it, I can see where I engaged in it and tried to continue that pattern of being with T and at first found it uncomfortable when T didnt "play" the role that those engaged in the drama triangle play.

Yesterday morning at work, I arrived early and man is there a lot of "victim dramas" in the work place, where actually where ever a group of people meet perhaps, and this guy sat oppersite me, I'll just call him mick, and he asked how I was? I said good thanks, and then he asked me some more stuff, I replied, wishing I must admit that we could just stop at the "hello" as it was early and I wasn't really into too much conversation about nothing, and then he said he was switching depts, Oh I said, how come, he said, to much homophobia on my present dept, Oh I said, really, by now I felt a bit enraged for him and asked him had he put a complaint into anyone? Then he said, yeah I told the previous manager but he just sort of told everyone off and that was it. Now I'm still taking this serious and said, well that doesnt sound enough you can take it further, then he replied, yeah I guess and didnt seem to want to hear any serious talk on the subject he wanted me to get involved with the personalities of the others on his dept, to single them out and talk about them, but I didnt allow myself to get pulled into this angle of the chat, and then he said, they call me lazy too, I said well are you? he said well if the others are standing around gossiping I'm gonna too, oh dear, I begun to loose the will to continue with this and felt no matter what I'd said to him about the right and wrong way to deal with racism/homophobia or any of the isms he wasn't going to be listening, he was trapped in his "victim" role asn was looking for me to rescue him, which if he'd listened he';d have heard when I said about taking the complaint higher.

Later that morning I walked past his dept and saw him jesting around with the so called "homophobics" which they proberbly are too but I saw mick wasn't ready to drop his "victimhood", he was still getting something from it, I did mention rather crossly to him toward the end of our very early morning chat that if not for himself then he needs to do something for others that might come along and face discrimination? that too was met with shy looking eyes and a "yeah guess so", but I knew that meant little to him. I cringe now when I think some of the ways I'd acted when I first got to T.

[darkrunner]

It's a slow separation, and people can't do it until they're ready. I see how other's can be frustrated as it seems like it would be an easy thing to do. But that's just not how it works.
I'm glad that you are finding yourself moving in that direction.

[Melbadaze]

not sure where you picked up in my post that i thought it was easy? I think I mentioned unless one is ready then there is no change. But I've learnt engaging or enabling the "drama" isn't helpful. My post was just self reflection on how I oNce was, and how I couldnt see it, it was or has been only through therapy that I have moved from it, and yes of course there are frustrations around this sort of behaviour, not excluding sometimes frustrations at ourselfs.

[darkrunner]

Sorry. Should not have said anything.

[jexa]

I think I get what you're saying here darkrunner -- Melba, I think what's tricky about the epiphanies you've found from therapy is that these things can't be reached by brute force; they take time and a lot of patience and reflection. We hear that you have learned to drop the "victim" role -- that's good, really good -- but we read this and might judge ourselves for not being able to drop the victim role or move beyond it. There should be no judgment for those of us who still get caught in victimhood.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by jexa

I think I get what you're saying here darkrunner -- Melba, I think what's tricky about the epiphanies you've found from therapy is that these things can't be reached by brute force; they take time and a lot of patience and reflection. We hear that you have learned to drop the "victim" role -- that's good, really good -- but we read this and might judge ourselves for not being able to drop the victim role or move beyond it. There should be no judgment for those of us who still get caught in victimhood.

Jexa, my post was reflection. perhaps its your own inner brute force you are attaching to my post?

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Jexa, my post was reflection. perhaps its your own inner brute force you are attaching to my post?

Maybe you should write "please don't respond" on your post? yikes...

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

Maybe you should write "please don't respond" on your post? yikes...

why? my post was reflective, people put their slant on what they "think" they read, and I am just pointing out what I wrote v what they are putting into my writing.

[little*rhino]

the last time I saw my T before his vacay i was able to use some words/labels that i had not been able to before... and as i walked home i remember saying in my head "... you were a victim once but you don't have to be anymore..."

it sets you free... but people don't know what freedom actually is.. sad but true

there was a time when i resisted words like survivor. i pondered it a long time. i wasn't trapped wanting pity or excessive rescue or whatever, i was trapped in feeling so worthless and undeserving that i actually had trouble claiming that i was a victim in the first place. The word victim is treated like a dirty word sometimes, but if you cannot say you were victimized then you cannot move on to being a survivor.

now i know.. that applies to trauma but the logic can transfer over. Many, too many, people seem to feel unheard and seek real validation and empathy. They didn't get it as young kids and so it becomes a driving need that is nonverbal and deep. Seeking that small piece of acknowledgement, validation, empathy... becomes like a drink of water in the desert, but not quite enough water. Instead of finding a way out of the desert they become fixated on getting just a bit more water.

there is a gap in understanding and behaviour between that state and being free... the gap leaves us feeling terrified. It's a case of "the devil you know" in a way.

it's a big leap but people can do it... i think the biggest challenge is getting it to register on their radar even. i often feel like i am speaking in some foreign language whenever i bring it up

[Melbadaze]

Little rhino, Exactly!