Identifying with the abuser.

I've had SA in my history, some consious and some I feel not. I have images in my head but T and I are not sure if they are from an actual event or not. I live with the images but tend to not talk about them, prefering to believe they are just suggestive of somethinG I knew about someone, rather than them be an actual event that included me.

THe thing is I have always had phantasys of abuse and in my head I want the abuser to Emotionally hurt the "victim", in my Mind I smile alongside the abuser, I see the act. The last few days the image has come faster, harder, then suddenly I saw the child, she became real, I looked closer and the child is me thenast night I felt my whoLe thinking change 360deg, no longer was it a relIef to be part of the absuers attack, I suddenly shifted into the postion of her, the abused, I felt all the numbness and completel disbelieve she felt, I felt An awareness of appropriate feelings for a shocking event.

I've not talked to T about The constant daydreaMs I've lived with around this, to ashamed I think, but this has changEd, I'm not sure if its just about getting my feelings unstuck, hence the relating to the Girls own disbelieve? Or whether this is the beginning of a repressed memory.
Tomorrow I will tell T about my day fantasys I have always lived with where
I stand alongside an absuer, I understand intellectually that if we are abUsed we can either see ourselfs as victims or we identify with the abuser as we see that as being thw only way To feel powerful and escape unbearable feelings of powerlessness oVer the abuse. I honestly do not know what this is going to be really about, but feel a relief in as much as I no longer am just experiencing feelings of relief from watching an abUser, I Felt very real when I the image became about the childs experience.

I know this isn't the same thing, but I'll post it anyways. I always get really defensive of my abusers. I really haven't done trauma work...don't intend to either, but I have had to give a general overview to T's about it. I am always really conscious of not making them look bad when I do so. I kind of feel like a freak for thinking that way, but I do.

Eileen, Yes I think its along the same lines, a form of having some mastery over the feelings.

((((Melba))))) What you describe is almost exactly the type of mental "torture" that I went through with my trauma healing. I am SO SORRY that you are experiencing this. For me, the standing alongside the abuser was my DID - the dissociating during the events. It was the only way I was able to survive the events at all. And it was just as you describe!!

It is hard to tell T these things because it can bring up emotions of guilt and shame - for me it was almost as though I was participating in my own abuse. Tell your T about this. And if you can, do artwork to show the scene. I did that and took it in to show my T. It was horrid to have to draw it out, but T could see the image I had burned into my memory and how I experienced the event. The entire dissociative experience was there for him to witness.

T stood by me and he was able to lead me through the event in a healing way. You can make it through this. I wanted to be sure to tell you all this because it was so brave of you to post this. You are NOT alone in this at all !!!

wpow, when I read your post I went "gulp", not your fault at all, but though someone else knows this stuff, theres part of me that is still just sort off poo-pooing it and the thought that theres any truth in it is more than I want to know. I feel like I need to say to T tomorrow "look I'm gonna tell you something but don't you dare tell me it happened, cos it didn't but I just need to get rid of these images/thoughts."

Melba, just allow yourself to share with T the thoughts. Don't say yes or no to them ... just allow them to come out as they are - do not filter them. I understand what you describe about trying to say they were not true. That is something which only hurts us - when we try to say what was fact and what was not. I know that by experience. The secret is that they hold emotional truth - even if the details are not exact. There is something that they are trying to show us about the situation. It is emotion which impacts this NOW.

Just be open and treat the images with the same respect you would treat the images a stranger was showing you. If that makes any sense.