i guess this is IT...I'm finally allowing myself to feel the feelings that I've been running away from forever and ever.

the stuff that happened when I was 8 feels so much more horrible than what happened when I was 4 - 5...because I "knew better" and because of what was going on in my own family at the time, and because it was more violent, and because it really finally solidified what I knew all along - that my mom was right - I am a bad, ugly, fat, stupid *****.

I feel like I will NEVER feel better. I keep reaching for grace, looking for it, but I can't find it. It's like...here I am. In the place i've never really let myself go. and I don't know how I will get OUT.

I hid all through session. T thinks it's so important for our eyes to connect. I couldn't. I feel inside out. It feels awful.

I asked T if we could write and he sat with me and I wrote one of the biggest flashbacks I keep having and I wrote how bad and ugly I am. It was easier to not talk.

Towards the end T asked if we could stand up and we did and he asked if I would accept a hug, and I did. Then he asked me again to look at his eyes. He backed up so i could see him more easily (he's tall, I'm short). I finally looked at him. He said that I am okay. He said that when he sees me, he doesn't see the story, he sees the me that is in front of him. I looked at his eyes for a long long long time. I said "I can't believe you were here the whole time". I felt all by myself all through session.

I get now why I create ruptures at these times. It feels wrong to be loved and cared for. T said early in session that usually at times like this, when we look back, I just wanted to be cared for. But I don't feel like I deserve it. T said if I let myself be loved by him, then I have to let go of some of "I'm bad" and it feels confusing and hard.

This is awful. I can't believe it will ever feel better. I can't believe I told T what I told him and that now here we are looking at it and feeling it. It literally makes me sick when I think about it.

I'm looking for some kind of grace, but I dont' know how to find it.

[Fartraveler]

(((((Tree))))

It is OK to be gentle with yourself. It is OK to give compassion to yourself. It is OK to accept care, and caring, from others.

Safe hugs, Tree. I am sending you comfort, and calm.

-Far

[sittingatwatersedge]

Tree - can you find grace from a loving Providence in your beautiful children, your DH, your many many MANY friends here? We do not see the horrible story of your younger times, which wasn't your fault anyway!! we see the compassionate, gentle, wise person who is always ready to reach out a hand to someone in need. That is what real beauty is, Tree, that is what real worth is, and that's what shines out of you.

[rainbow8]

Ditto what SASE says. I can't say it any better.

[mobius]

Then he asked me again to look at his eyes. He backed up so i could see him more easily (he's tall, I'm short). I finally looked at him. He said that I am okay. He said that when he sees me, he doesn't see the story, he sees the me that is in front of him. I looked at his eyes for a long long long time. I said "I can't believe you were here the whole time". I felt all by myself all through session.

Honey, this sounds like grace to me. You are opening yourself to receive grace in a way that you haven't before. Allow yourself to feel that too, in addition to the difficult feelings, ok?

[googley]

(((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))

you don't have to find grace, tree. it will find you. all you can do is open up and receive it. it's right there holding it's arms wide just like T did in your session. you did nothing wrong as a child tree. this was not your fault. it is going to be hard and confusing to accept that for awhile and then eventually you will see that this is the truth. i think that when you accept that truth you will see real freedom.

[Abby]

You are so brave. I know that right now you probably won't be able to hear that and prehaps it is not something you want to hear right now also.... But i do appreciate you posting about your therapy session and how difficult it has been for you but how you survived through it. That means a lot to me.

You were so brave to allow yourself to be seen. I believe, although you may not feel it right now, the grace you are searching for is being held within you. It shines out from within you. I see it.

I hope I've not said anything wrong, I don't ever want to hurt anyone but i'm aware i'm not great at knowing what to say. Take care of yourself.

Thank you all so so so so so much for showing me the grace that is already here. It makes me cry and it helps, all at the same time.

T left me a message tonight with new words to listen to instead of the old tapes that I hear from my childhood. Not ugly, stupid, fat, etc. But sensitive, compassionate, smart, strong, pretty, deserving of love. Those are supposed to be my new words.

I went to a meditation meeting tonight and as I sat and breathed, everything just fell away for a minute. The guilt and the shame and the yuck and the old messages and even T's "new" words...it was just me and my breath with no labels or judgement or past or future. Just that moment. THAT felt like grace. To just be able to breathe, and really, truly, just BE.

This is it. I'm telling the story to someone, I AM TELLING, I can't believe it. Any moment of "being" is such a gift right now.

T is an amazing gift.

This board is a gift.

Thank you for being here during this. It gets SO dark and painful and scary.

Thank you for helping me start to find the grace.

[Kacey2]

Tree,
I am just so inspired when I read your thread. You have shown amazing courage this week. Listen to your T, you are worthy of love, smart, compassionate, beautiful. Wishing you moments of gentle peace.

[WePow]

Tree.... my heart is overflowing for you right now... but I have just a few words I want to share with you ...

YOU are the gift.

[sunrise]

Tree, that sounds like a strong session, one with lots of "moving forward", despite how hard it was. I am not sure what you mean by finding grace. Is it finding acceptance of yourself? Without judgment? A state of mind we can reach, where we can feel OK, and not be pushed out of by remembering our past?

I think your T is blessed to have you as a client.

[BlackCanary]

You are telling
You are the smart, brave, awesome, caring woman and mom who is telling and is being believed and cared for in response.

[mixedup_emotions]

Tree, you are working so hard and going through so much. And the honest and caring relationship you have with T is AMAZING. You are doing it. You are DOING IT. Well on your way to healing, even though it may not feel like it right now.

I am in awe at your progress.....and at the same time, I wish I could rescue you from enduring the pain of it....Hold onto the goodness that you have....the love you get from T....the love you get from PC....

(( HUGS ))