Do you ever wonder if your "stuff" is too much?

My T has wiped tears from his eyes in several sessions. The first time, I read a letter I had written to the little girl inside of me. He was clearly moved and it felt good to feel so supported.

A few weeks ago, we played a song which reminds me of Former T. It's a song about a girl who wants someone (God) to look inside her heart and be amazed. Someone to say... Who she is, is enough. She is worthy. She is loved. I told T that for a long time I thought therapy with Former T was this...I felt accepted,worthy,loved. Of course,his decision to terminate created a situation where I no longer felt those feelings. T wiped his eyes several times as he listened to the song.

Last week, something very painful happened. Again, involving Former T. (He no longer lives here, he still works here.) A couple of other events occurred around the same time. In my session, I said " On the outside I appear fine. On the inside, I am a mess". I cried...and cried...and cried.

T cried, too. Clearly, it was,as if, he felt my pain.

Is there ever a time when it becomes too much for T? When I become too much for T? I am scared.

[Luce]

I think, in general, Ts have well develop self care skills and are capable of managing their own feelings and pain. I think too that many Ts are highly empathetic, and this leads them to feel right alongside us. There's a distcintion I think, though, in that they may not necessarily feel OUR pain... but perhaps feel FOR us. Perhaps their pain - that which makes them cry with us - is that they see a human being who is hurting. I don't think they take on our pain, per se.

I don't think your Ts tears were because of you being 'too much' for him or him not being able to 'cope' with your feelings. Perhaps they were simply because, as a fellow human being who cares about you, it saddens his own heart to see you hurting.

[Perna]

I would think about the "too much" part. What does that mean to you? Everyone is human, has feelings, etc., we can't really become too much for ourselves (since we are ourselves) so how could that be too much for another? Other people can't really become us, feel our exact pain. I think as Luce says, there could be two or three reasons for your T's tears, but they're his tears, based on his experiences, not your tears or based on your experience. Can you ask him?

[jilliebeanmn]

I believe our T's come to care for us, and value us, and when we are in pain and hurting, they hurt a little too-for us. But, I also believe they are able to manager their feelings and you cannot "become too much" for your T when you are simply expressing emotion. That's what you are there for.

I know for me personally, I have an AWFUL time expressing my emotions. I have read things (from my journal, letters, etc) to my T and in the end he is teary and I am not. I am blocked.

So I say raise a tissue to your tears and let them flow with your T. Crying together must be validating!

Originally Posted by Luce

I think, in general, Ts have well develop self care skills and are capable of managing their own feelings and pain. I think too that many Ts are highly empathetic, and this leads them to feel right alongside us. There's a distcintion I think, though, in that they may not necessarily feel OUR pain... but perhaps feel FOR us. Perhaps their pain - that which makes them cry with us - is that they see a human being who is hurting. I don't think they take on our pain, per se.

I don't think your Ts tears were because of you being 'too much' for him or him not being able to 'cope' with your feelings. Perhaps they were simply because, as a fellow human being who cares about you, it saddens his own heart to see you hurting.

Thanks Luce! Yes, I agree. I don't think he took on my pain, but that he understood my pain. if that makes sense? He got it.

Former T moved earlier this year. A couple of weeks ago, my professional life collided with his personal life. I have spent the entire year carefully avoiding this situation. It was the unthinkable, for me. I asked a colleague to help, but didn't share the personal details. She was unable to because of a family conflict. Ultimately, the circumstances became overwhelming for me. T calls it a "very heavy load".

I think seeing me hurt does make him sad. He said he needs to help me ... to empower me.

I think a part of it is this... I have had four T's in three years... MT (who happens to be a very good friend of T and also my H and my MT for last three years) told us last week...he is moving. This makes the third T, THIS YEAR, who has moved (The other two were Terminating T and Former Female T). I have been with this T for a year.

I think T is feeling his own pain (of MT moving plus he used to supervise my Former T ( who terminated me)), empathizing with my pain, and understanding my fears.

It's overwhelming me...I guess I worry it may overwhelm him too!

Originally Posted by Perna

I would think about the "too much" part. What does that mean to you? Everyone is human, has feelings, etc., we can't really become too much for ourselves (since we are ourselves) so how could that be too much for another? Other people can't really become us, feel our exact pain. I think as Luce says, there could be two or three reasons for your T's tears, but they're his tears, based on his experiences, not your tears or based on your experience. Can you ask him?

Good question. I don't know the answer.

I DID want to ask him about his tears last week but I didn't feel like it was allowed/appropriate/permitted? I worried it might be crossing a boundary. I am hyper-sensitive based on past experiences.

One time recently as he returned from a seven week break, I cancelled an appointment. At my next appointment, he said I was testing him. His EXACT words..."Just don't test too much." Later, I realized those words felt threatening to me. He didn't realize how it was perceived by me until I sent him an email and asked him to please not say it again. I told him I trusted him to know this was not about him.

Sometimes, therapy seems conditional.

[sunrise]

lost in termination, I don't thing your stuff is too much for your T. I just think he is extremely empathetic. It can be a really good thing. Your T gets you and feels right there alongside with you. And he is OK with sharing that with you. But it doesn't mean you are too much. If it worries you, I hope you can talk about it with your T.

I'm sorry for all your T losses.