[sunrise]

Had a session a earlier this week--it had been 3 weeks since the last. I have really been in the doldrums the last few weeks--don't know why. So I was really looking forward to this session. The day before I had been thinking how nice it would be just to sit next to T on his couch and feel his energy, like maybe that would help lift my spirits. Well, that didn't happen today, of course (I rarely invade T's space!), and we did not end up having time to talk about how I've been feeling down lately. But the session was really good, nonetheless. We really connected and we both even cried a little. Well, at least I did. T's eyes just got teary and he did say a couple of times, "I'm going to cry." When my tears were dropping, there was a kleenex box sitting next to me and I was not reaching for it, so T said, "here," and threw me a box from his side of the room and it took me by surprise--bonk! Sorry, he said.

We had this talk that I found very moving, and profound too. Some of it seemed just out of reach of my comprehension, and I had to rephrase what he said and say it back to him so he could confirm whether I was following or not. And he had to help me reach just a little bit further so I could get it. "This is so profound," I said at one point, LOL. I think we each came to some new understandings. I liked how he asked me, "wait, you mean ___? then that would mean ___. Oh, I see. I can use that!" Or something like that. I liked how we were each pushing the edge of the other's understanding and learning something in the process.

I also told him how something he used to say had bothered me so much (and I had told him before that it was very triggering), but he seemed to say it all the time--“a hundred times,” I told him, exaggerating. (It felt good to exaggerate. ) And each time he said it, I knew I was not healed in that place because I would still feel pain (and resentment, he said). I told him that by continuing to say this thing, he helped keep my resentment alive. So I didn’t forget it and just let it get swept somewhere deep inside and walled off. Every time he said it, I was reminded that I still hurt and so it stayed in the fore and made me want to heal there too. He said people can feel resentment because of hope. Inside they hope things could be different and want them to be; they are not happy that things are the way they are. So resentment and its underlying hope can help drive the movement to something better. Anyway, when I first told him he had kept resentment alive for me, I think he looked a bit taken aback, LOL. But he got it when I explained, and accepted that he had done a good thing.

I also told him (twice!) how very disappointed I had been when he said a certain something to me quite a few months ago. It felt good to finally tell him that, because when it originally happened, all my walls just went up and I automatically showed no feeling. So I felt like I made some progress today on telling T my feelings (and in a really functional way!--who is this person?). T was suitably empathetic. Now if I can just move the expressing of my feelings closer to when the precipitating words or actions occur....

So it was a good session, we went super deep, even though it wasn't painful. I am used to thinking of going deep as really hurting, but this was going deep in a different way. It was good!

[googley]

I am so glad that you were able to have a wonderful session after you had such a long break from T. I'm also really happy you were able to tell him that what he said had upset you. I had something like that w/ my T and it kept causing ruptures until I was able to talk to her about it. I'm so glad that you were able to be open with your T and that he was receptive.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Wow thank you Sunny for sharing that. To me that would be an IDEAL session. Maybe one day.

PS hope school is going well for you.

[Perna]

That's so great you had a good, deep, non-painful session Sunrise! I love the "when you said --- I felt ---" reminders and looking back. They can help in the moment but also remind one of where they have been and how far they've come. I saw my t for 9 years and then we terminated and I didn't see her again for 9 more years and it was so nice when we'd talk about "the first time you said/did. . ." and I'd understand what I hadn't at the time and would feel warm and better connected to T in the present. I really would love it when she'd say, "you should have said something!" (when we were talking about how/why I wouldn't talk) and I wouldn't feel bad, since it was in the past, just more connected in the present. I love the fluidity of therapy, me and my t, all of it :-)

Wow, Sunny, how AWESOME to be able to reconnect, and so deeply, with your T after that long break. I love that the relationship can stay so strong, even when we're not together as often...I'm going back down to once a week soon and that is such a good reminder for me

I think it's so great that you were able to be honest about things he said in the past that didn't feel so good. That feels like a big step forward for you...and it sounds like T was right there, able to hear you, be empathetic...with no "punishing" or withdrawing or anything like that.

Thanks for sharing your session with us. I love hearing about the times when therapy feels good

[WePow]

Sunrise!!!! OMG! It is very amazing to read and see how strong you were with your T. So honest!!! You posting this might help others to see how wonderful it can be when we open our hearts to our Ts in this way. It makes the healing able to happen. Our Ts are not the enemy. If T is the enemy, it is seriously time to go T shopping. Most Ts I think want to do everything they can to help a client. You rock!

[deliquesce]

good work, sunny, and thanks for sharing .

austin-t has a little formula for me: when i'm feeling strong, we go deep; when i'm fragile we stay more on "surface". this way going deep doesn't hurt so much.

[WikidPissah]

I am happy for you sunrise Kudos!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by googley

I am so glad that you were able to have a wonderful session after you had such a long break from T. I'm also really happy you were able to tell him that what he said had upset you. I had something like that w/ my T and it kept causing ruptures until I was able to talk to her about it.I'm so glad that you were able to be open with your T and that he was receptive.

Thank you, googley. I often think how in your responses to others that you sound so very professional, yet caring, and that you would make a good T some day! Yes, definitely my T was receptive. I was just telling him how I felt in response to things he had said. He is always curious to learn more about what I feel as it helps him to help me better. I don't expect my T to not say things in therapy that will trigger me (if he knows what those things are). It is only through experiencing that triggered feeling that I (and he) can understand where I need to heal.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Wow, Sunny, how AWESOME to be able to reconnect, and so deeply, with your T after that long break. I love that the relationship can stay so strong, even when we're not together as often...I'm going back down to once a week soon and that is such a good reminder for me

Thanks, tree. Unfortunately, 3 weeks is not really a break for us anymore. Our standard interval is now 2-3 weeks. C'est la vie. After my session a few weeks ago, I felt slightly uncertain about what had happened in therapy, and it made me want more distance from T, so I chose 3 weeks until the next appointment. Then this latest session, I felt very connected with T and excited about our direction and like it was productive and so I chose to have the interval until the next session be only 2 weeks. Tree, I hope you will do OK with your new, longer interval between sessions.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think it's so great that you were able to be honest about things he said in the past that didn't feel so good. That feels like a big step forward for you...and it sounds like T was right there, able to hear you, be empathetic...with no "punishing" or withdrawing or anything like that.

It did feel good to be honest, even if it was well after the occurrences. And I also talked to T about a hard topic that I have been a bit skittish about before. He is usually up to whatever I say to him and responds well. I am the partner who is not a good dancer. I am just scared sometimes to be vulnerable with him. On this occasion there was no sense of T possibly withdrawing, etc. It wasn't like I was saying "you effed up, buddy! you made me feel like c**p! it's all your fault!" What I said would not put a person on the defensive (not to say I don't think a T should be able to respond without getting defensive to a client's hostility or accusations). I just told T how I felt when he had said some things (hurt/triggered or disappointed). My disappointment is my own, not something he does to me. There was nothing for him to respond negatively to. It sounds a little like you and googley are saying something along similar lines. And it's interesting to me! That dynamic was not part of our interaction.

(((((((((((((sunny))))))))))))))))

I would totally expect your T to be receptive and empathetic, and for you to express your feelings in a way that isn't blaming, etc. I guess what I was saying (not very well! lol) is that it seems like such progress to be able to tell T these feelings...it it were easy, I would guess you would have done it months ago when he said what he said.

I know what you mean about wanting to shorten the interval between the words/actions and the reaction. I'm better at that now than I used to be, but it was tough to learn, for sure.

to you