[rainbow8]

I don't think I've allowed myself to get as close to anyone IRL as I am toward my T. Not my H, my parents, my kids. Maybe I'm starting to feel very close to my grandchildren. It's sad that I didn't have this with anyone else.

I don't know how to be so close to someone. I don't trust it that my T is letting it happen. It is TOO good and it hurts because it's temporary. I know I keep repeating myself, but I'm trying to understand my feelings and I can't quite put my finger on what they are.

[rainbow8]

Maybe I know what it is. I wish I could have told my mother what was bothering me like I can tell my T. I wish a lot of things in my past had been different. But it's too late now. I need this kind of relationship with my T but is it really how you are supposed to be with others? I don't think people are so honest with one another. Are we supposed to be?

Life is awful frustrating and challenging. Only my T gives me what I need. It's all too confusing for me right now. Why is it so good with her? I don't think I deserve what she is giving me. She's trying to make me feel good about myself but I still feel like a failure in many ways.

I'm just rambling. I don't know why.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't think I've allowed myself to get as close to anyone IRL as I am toward my T. Not my H, my parents, my kids. Maybe I'm starting to feel very close to my grandchildren. It's sad that I didn't have this with anyone else.

I think a lot of people don't want closeness in their lives. So even if you were willing, all those other people may have little desire to be close to you (or anyone). I think it's hard for a person who wants close relationships to find another person who also wants close relationships. I think a lot of people live on the surface and like it there. Others may not even know there is such a thing as being close and would have no idea how to go about it. Rainbow, that sounds wonderful that your relationship with your grandchildren is deepening. Are you doing anything different to allow that to occur? Are you going to try whatever you are doing with others in your life too? One of the benefits of the T relationship is that it can lead to improved relationships for ourselves out in the real world. It sounds like that is happening for you!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I need this kind of relationship with my T but is it really how you are supposed to be with others? I don't think people are so honest with one another. Are we supposed to be?

Those are such great questions. I don't know the answers. I would like to have closer relationships with others in my life. I have a close relationship with T, but he knows how to do it. I think many people don't. Now I have learned better how to be close, through my work with T, but the outside world isn't filled with Ts just waiting to have relationships with me. It's like T has trained me how to swim but I live in a waterless world. It does seem pointless sometimes. I guess that's one reason I really don't want to give up therapy. I like having a place I can go for an hour every few weeks and experience closeness with someone. I know that makes my real life sound rather pathetic, but that's how it is.

[Melbadaze]

Rainbow, in my posts this week about telling T I love her, I also spoke of how that was met by my family growing up, so on one hand I had what I'd always longed for, someone to love but mixed in was the grief of the past and how my love was never allowed, perhaps you need to go through this stage of grief and doubt before the fullness of what is possible today can hold? Just some of my thoughts, disregard what doesnt "fit".

[WePow]

((((Rainbow))))) I think that the therapy relationship is the only one that feels like it does. And I think that is because a T is trying to give us a close to perfect environment so we can have that place to be able to be honest without being judged the way everyone else in the world will judge us. Maybe I am just jaded at this point, but I don't think what I have with my T exists outside of T. It is one of the reasons why I am kinda thankful for when he makes mistakes inspite of his best effort. I am able to safely tell him "You did this and I heard that. That hurt my feelings." Then he will go through it very slowly with me, and I can see how I often didn't hear things the way he meant them.

All this would not happen in real life. My friends would just get more upset with me because of the misunderstanding. "How could you think I would say THAT??" Then my emotional walls go up and I end up isolating myself for the millionth time.

This is slowly and honestly- painfully teaching me HOW to communicate in the real world. I may not just come out and state to my friend that something they said hurt me, but I am now more able to ask a friend to clarify something they said. If I did hear them the way I thought I heard them, it empowers me to make a more sound choice over my next course of action.

Hope this makes some sense.

[zooropa]

I have a lot of the same feelings going on, rainbow. It is so hard, and so painful. I really feel like just quitting T because it's so huge, but in analyzing that urge in myself I think I see it's because every other close relationship I've had, every other time I've let myself trust someone, it has ended badly. I think I expect this to end badly, too, and so I want to just ruin it myself and get it over with.

Or maybe it's another kind of self-harm: depriving myself of the one unconditionally supportive person I have in my life, because deep down I don't believe I deserve it.

Anyway. This is weighting heavily on my mind this weekend too.

[Luce]

I don't think that closeness exists often ouside of T either. In T we have the opportunity to be completely vulnerable and exposed... the nature of the T relationship allows that. Our Ts have a commitment to us - to our wellbeing, to our healing, to our Selves - and we honor their commitment by paying them. We can entrust the heart of ourselves to them, because they have a commitment to be there with us to receive it.
In the real world? Anyone can walk away at any time. Ts are trained not to judge, friends and family are not. Ts don't have roles or needs that they need us to fulfil, but our friends and family do. Every other relationship in life is a two way street, but a T is there in that hour solely for us.
The same kind of one way relationship in the real world would probably be dysfunctional.

[rainbow8]

sunrise: My parents wanted a close relationship; at least my Mom did. I just couldn't tell her my problems and I suffered because of it. I am letting myself feel close to my grandchildren regardless of how they feel about me. That's a little different. It's scary, like being close to my T.

I went to a new yoga class and afterwards, the instructor asked if I "hug". in the past I would have been hesitant, but I'm not any more. It was nice!! That isn't something I directly learned in therapy, but it's a result of it.

I don't think it's pathetic that you want to stay in therapy to experience that closeness. I feel the same way, so are we both pathetic?

Melba:Thanks! I'm not sure if it's like that for me, but I know there's something I have to process before I can fully accept what my T is giving me.

WePow: That's what is so sad, then. I WANT to have relationships like the T one. It hurts not to be able to have that IRL. My T says I will be able to give that to myself, but it's not going to be the same as HER being the one to give it to me.

Yes, it makes sense that we practice in therapy and then apply it in our lives, except for the closeness part.

Zoo: I hope we both find answers to this dilemma.

Luce: You are probably right, which makes me feel like I want therapy to go on forever even if I'm not obsessing. It's so good (the connection part) so why would anyone want to give that up? Ever? (except for the money it costs)

[Luce]

Rainbow, I know what you mean about not wanting to let it go, ever. Parts of myself still yearn so badly for that connection to ex t, but the reality now is that when they seek it it only ends up hurting us more (because they cannot have it like they used to). I don't know if their want to be safe in that therapy room with her will ever go away.
In many ways the T relationship does mirror the idealistic mother / infant bond. They really are the only relationships I can think of that where one person is wholly there for the support / wellbeing of another, without expectation of it being reciprocated (other than the fulfilment of watching another develop and grow). In my own life I think I have accepted and grieved the loss of everything my mother couldn't give me, but that doesn't help my insiders want ex t any less. Perhaps there will always be parts of myself that yearn for that closeness and safety with my ex t.
Sigh.

[sunrise]

Well, I guess I'm going to be a pollyanna, but I do believe you can have close relationships outside of therapy. I do think the therapeutic relationship is special, but I think there can be intimacy and closeness with others out there in the real world. In fact, I would not want a relationship exactly like the T one with a friend or lover or family member. I would like the closeness, but I would want it to be more reciprocal. It would be yucky if it was not reciprocal with a lover or friend. I just think it's hard to find people who know how to be close or want to be close on the outside. Maybe we need to wear big signs on our backs identifying ourselves, but that would scare a lot of people away, I'm sure. There is no doubt in my mind that my T has very close relationships outside of his office with several family members (e.g. wife) and friends. He has told me that. They are rare but do exist. I wish I had some.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

sunrise: My parents wanted a close relationship; at least my Mom did.

Yes, I have been there, as the Mom who wants more closeness with a daughter who doesn't. It is painful. One daughter is very close to me and it is good to have that, very good. The other daughter and I are growing closer, slowly slowly. The mother-daughter relationships are not fully reciprocal, though. The parent always has to give more (and should give more, IMO). But nevertheless, I still value the closeness I can have within those relationships. It is definitely totally worth it to work very hard at having good relationships with your children. I am glad you are having some of this with your grandchildren, rainbow. May those relationships continue to grow.

[rainbow8]

Luce, thank you very very much for being so honest. I agree with you that nothing can compare to the T-relationship except the mother/infant bond. All of my parts want to be there with my T even though they don't always want to admit that. I'm sorry that you don't have that with a T now. I hope you are able to visualize a former T's caring and safety even if you don't have the reality.

sunrise, I also think you can have close relationships outside of therapy but you are correct: they're reciprocal. That's the way they should be, and we all need those kinds of relationships. It doesn't take away the yearning, at last for me, of the one-sided caring I get from therapy.

Thank you for your wishes. I have to work on my IRL relationships a lot more. I hope you find some close IRL relationships too.

I think that we can have close IRL relationships. I have some very close relationships, that have become much more honest and authentic since starting therapy. I'm less afraid to show people my "real" self, and I think, just more OPEN in general.

Letting people in has been a SLOW SLOW SLOW process. My relationships with people have always been way more "give" than "take", and learning to receive things from T - attention, caring, concern - has helped me start to do that a little bit in real life.

I will NEVER tell people IRL the things I tell T. Parts of my story, and parts of me, are for T only...not for my friends, or even H. But all of that is only a *part* of me and my story.

I hope that everyone who wants deep relationships outside of therapy will find them. I think therapy is a good stepping stone...it has been (and still is)for me.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Maybe I know what it is. I wish I could have told my mother what was bothering me like I can tell my T. I wish a lot of things in my past had been different. But it's too late now. I need this kind of relationship with my T but is it really how you are supposed to be with others? I don't think people are so honest with one another. Are we supposed to be?

Life is awful frustrating and challenging. Only my T gives me what I need. It's all too confusing for me right now. Why is it so good with her? I don't think I deserve what she is giving me. She's trying to make me feel good about myself but I still feel like a failure in many ways.

I'm just rambling. I don't know why.

Hi rainbow. T is there as a safe relationship where you can open up, trust and heal. You are not expected to be as open in real life as in T, and it is always good to be vigilant and look after yourself. There are many people out there who take advantage of people who are open and vulnerable. It is especially not wise to share your history out there, except with some very close and trusted people with whom you are very comfortable. But it can be enough to share that only with T. However, you can learn many important things in T about assertiveness, trust, conflict resolution, and communication skills within close relationships, how you love, what your triggers are, etc. etc. that you can use with others in your life. And hopefully, the T relationship will help you establish relationship with a special and very trusted person out there with whom you can share everything. Such relationships do exist in the real world too, but the t relationship will always be able to give you something different as well.