So, this month I finally "named" what was most definitely the biggest trauma in my childhood. And now it's just OUT THERE. T KNOWS. I bounce back and forth between feeling horrified and feeling free.

Today in session, it came up again. It feels like it came out of nowhere, but I'm sure something in session led up to it. The session is kind of like a dream. But there it was again - that trauma, and the unbelievably enormous feelings I've been pushing away for so many years. When I'm in it, I feel like I literally won't survive it. It's the most horrible, awful feeling in the world. I really almost can't bear it. I just want to disappear. But there it is, and it is so overwhelming and awful.

And sometimes it comes with "body memories" and that just adds to it. And flashes of images - the door, the sidewalk, just the same crap over and over and over again.

I know that at some point today, T came and sat with me. He did guided imagery to help make the body pain go away. The body pain stayed, but the emotional pain got a little smaller.

It was all so surreal. I remember saying I wanted to stand up, and we stood up, and T gave me a hug and then I sat in his chair and he sat on the couch to do the receipt. He told me a couple of funny stories and I KNOW I laughed.

When I got in the car, I was SO not in my body. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't drive away and it took me a while to remember I needed the key. So, I sat there until I thought I could be safe getting home.

BUT. As I was driving home, I started to feel....lighter. Sad, maybe. With a HUGE headache. But kind of free again. Like...this thing happened, and it's part of my life, and the more I let the pain out, the more I'm going to be free. I won't have to run and run and run to shut it out.

This is twice now that I've let myself feel these BIG, horrible feelings...and twice that on the way home, I've had this breath of freedom.

So. Maybe allowing the feelings IS how we heal. Allowing them, and surviving them, and experiencing life going on.

I guess it makes me sad and angry that so many of us have to go through this to heal. And it makes me grateful that T is there and I *can* heal.

So many feelings.

[Perna]

It's like you were carrying around this huge pile of goo and "popped" it and it made a mess all over. Every time you're near/in the mess, it feels. . . wait for it. . . MESSY But the more you get "use to" and experience it and walk around it and the more time that goes by and dries up the mess and T and you get to mopping it up, it gets easier and you realize how much weight you're not carrying around anymore and like when you have a bad tooth or a tooth pulled your tongue seeks the spot? You'll do that, go and see if it's all gone yet, etc.

Tree,
I don't post here a lot, mostly lurk... however reading and listening to your stories of pain, healing and feeling... you are doing what i am not brave enough to do yet.
You bring the courage out in me,,, sorry you are struggling, and yet happy to read of the freedom you are feeling... just wanted to say thank you
Your posts give me hope
ps i am kinda jealous of your t though, somedays i wish he was mine too!

[suzzie]

(((treehouse))))

[MissingMyOldSelf]

That's so great that you got that big step accomplished! I bet after time, you'll feel that weight lifted off your shoulders and it will just feel AMAZING.

I'm proud of you!!!

[jilliebeanmn]

What a huge step!! I don't know you, but I am SO proud of you!!

[WePow]

(((((((((((((((((Tree )))))))))))))))))))) wow - you did it

Wow. I am SO filled with shame right now

I don't know if the shame is from session, or from the event we talked about in session.

I know that in session, the feelings were SO big, I couldn't even sit still. I was curled up with my face on my knees and my hands over my head and my feet under me in the middle of the couch. But I kept sitting up and bending over and honestly, kind of freaking out. I just COULD. NOT. TAKE. IT.

When T came and sat with me and held my hand, I was shaking so hard that I could see our hands shaking.

Now, looking back, I'm so ashamed to have had such huge huge huge feelings. I made myself stay there and not drift away, and now I kind of regret it.

But. There is so much shame around the trauma itself. It all gets mushed together.

It feels awful. I *know* I have to feel. I have faith that I'm where I'm supposed to be on this journey. And I feel awful and it sucks.

[zooropa]

oh god, the body memories. I've been going through that SO much lately, tree. In session and out, but in session it is almost the worst because I know T is looking at me and can see what I'm going through and knows why I'm feeling it. So much shame.

[WePow]

(((((((((Tree))))))))) What you are feeling with this recoil is normal for trauma work. I know that doesn't make it easier. But it is a big part of the healing journey. The emotions are all mixed up with the freedom of being able to finally tell our truth, along with shame/guilt over the situation - emotions we have carried often deep inside since the event(s), and sometimes guilt of having told things we may have "promised" to never tell about (such as me "telling on" my dad). All of those things together at one time leave us in a bad chemically charged and emotionally drained state. In a nutshell, it stinks.

Let yourself continue to contact T and just get the safety there you need. T is there and t knows. Be honest. Be real. And just feel your way through it. You will come out stronger after it is processed. BIG SAFE HUGS!

Thanks for the replies...

I e-mailed T earlier about the shame, and he sent me back the best e-mail ever. It feels like way way way way more than I deserve...to be understood and loved and not judged...and I'm having a hard time opening up and letting it in.

T wants me to let love in, and let love crowd out the shame. It feels almost like a battle inside.

I want the love to win. So hard.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Thanks for the replies...

I e-mailed T earlier about the shame, and he sent me back the best e-mail ever. It feels like way way way way more than I deserve...to be understood and loved and not judged...and I'm having a hard time opening up and letting it in.

T wants me to let love in, and let love crowd out the shame. It feels almost like a battle inside.

I want the love to win. So hard.

tree, do you have that song,

? I have it on my ipod and it always makes me think about therapy and T. I think that in so many ways that's exactly what we're trying to do in therapy, let love in. And it is SO hard, made harder by our doubting ourselves and our worthiness.

Anyway, if you don't have that song, you should listen to it.

[Sannah]

The way that I see it is that when things happen to us we need to process it. We need to talk about it and we need to let our feelings out about it. I'm assuming this didn't happen to you when you were small. This awful thing happened to you and then you had to zip it up and go on like nothing happened. And add to that that you were young and unable to deal with this by yourself (adults can't even do this alone). You needed comfort.

These feelings and memories didn't go anywhere. They have stayed with you all these years and you have been struggling to manage them. Pile shame on top of this and the shame probably came from keeping the secret about such an awful thing.

But now you are letting this out and processing it, the natural thing to do.

You are doing everything right Tree and you will get through this and it will be much better on the other side.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I e-mailed T earlier about the shame, and he sent me back the best e-mail ever. It feels like way way way way more than I deserve...to be understood and loved and not judged...and I'm having a hard time opening up and letting it in.

T wants me to let love in, and let love crowd out the shame. It feels almost like a battle inside.

((treehouse))

I understand exactly what you're describing.

My T was very kind and reassuring as I talked to him about my tragic memories and emotions. My instinct was to push him away. I became angry ~ and shared those thoughts with him as well. It was very nice to be able to tell my T that I hate myself. I feel evil. I, therefore, don't seek my T telling me that I'm okay. I'm not okay! My T accepted that. And in my T accepting my point of view, I became more accepting of his point of view.

My T is sure to be careful with his words, rather than throw out immediate reactions. That helps me get through it too.

I have slowly come to better terms with the idea of me not being so evil. It takes time. It hasn't been an overnight process for me. Instead, more like the chiseling of Mt. Rushmore! Little changes made week after week, but looking back, I can see an enormous change.

You'll make it through ~ you are doing great!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shezbut

It was very nice to be able to tell my T that I hate myself. I feel evil. I, therefore, don't seek my T telling me that I'm okay. I'm not okay! My T accepted that. And in my T accepting my point of view, I became more accepting of his point of view.

Very good Shezbut! This is the beauty of acceptance. You can't work through anything that you haven't accepted first and this includes others allowing you to accept your feelings. The average person's first reaction is to get you not to say these things and this is very unhelpful.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by treehouse

T wants me to let love in, and let love crowd out the shame.

And you are doing T honor too, by letting him help you this way. It is how he gets rewarded.

[geez]

((tree)) I am so happy that your T is being very supportive. I can relate to feeling overwelmed with emotions and hoping it will soon pass. I hope you find peace of mind soon.