In session today, we really just ended up talking about how big my feelings are for him. I think. It was all kind of painful and embarrassing and confusing and messy. I think I got angry at him....not hugely angry, but just grumpy angry.

At one point, I told him I didn't see how it could be healing...to have grown up trying to be loved and not getting it, and now to be replaying it and having it turn out the same way. Even though I know it's not really the same, and T does love me. I don't know. Anyhow, he was like "yeah, maybe it ISN'T healing". I know he was thinking out loud and being in the mess with me but still....it was hard not to hear "so let's just give up". But he said it would be sad if I stopped now, and that he wants us to keep trying.

I sent him this e-mail.

I know that we joke about me wanting to be your favorite. But it's not a joke, really. I want you to love me best. I just do. I want to go there and work hard and be honest and be vulnerable and let you see the real me and, despite everything, be the one you love the most. I tried so so so so so so so so so so so so so so SO SO hard growing up to be good and be loved and it never worked. I know you can't fix it. But it FEELS LIKE YOU CAN. I kind of *do* think you can. Because it feels really real.

It really feels like, here I am, AGAIN, and I can't get this person to love me.

And, on top of all of that, I probably do feel a little bit "in love". Or maybe my love for you is just really really big. And the whole thing is just so unbelievably painful.

You say "you have to find a way to get these needs met outside of therapy" or whatever. But that's just it. I CAN'T, because no one will ever know me the way that you know me. Everyone's love will always have "but they don't know the REAL me" attached to it.

And then I feel stupid to think I deserve to be loved ANYHOW. And, you know, spiral, spiral, spiral.

So. Therapy. It's SO freaking painful. I wish you could fix it.

I KNOW T can't fix it. I KNOW it's part of the process. And it sucks.

[bpd mess]

I can sooooo relate to all of that. And yes, it really stinks!

[WePow]

(((((((((Tree))))))))))))) just letting you know I read your post and feel for you on this.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( TREE ))))

You are working so hard, and are being so incredibly honest with T...which helps you tremendously in the long run....

The pain stinks....big time...and it's hard to imagine that it's part of the healing process. But you are healing in so many ways....this part is tough though, incredibly tough.

I'm glad you're being so open with T. I really am. You amaze me.

[sittingatwatersedge]

hugs for you Tree. I'm sprry I can't change it.

not to bore you to death with Harville Hendrix but something he said in the chapter I'm currently reading really struck me. He said that the huge majority of clients who termnate therapy with him prematurely, do so because of the anxiety they begin to experience when they are begining to heal, and change starts to happen from within. It's different, it's scary. As the changes go forward, it seems that one hears a voice from deep inside (actually I remember one PC person posting this once) crying out, I'm dying... I'm dying... and after a while it changes to... I'm dying... I'm dying... hey I'm not dying?! ... and you begin to live as yourself, your whole self. Hugs to you

[rainbow8]

tree, I agree with you that it stinks. Therapy is incredibly painful, and it does seem like it's not fair to love T so, so, so much and know that it's got to end some day with T sending you back into the REAL WORLD. But it's not one-sided, as you know. T cares and loves you too. That's why he's struggling too. I know my T does not take our relationship lightly. She's said it means something to her too. But yes, T is the one giving us love we didn't get in the right way when we needed it. We don't need to give that back to T. So, that's the way it is. That's the part that's so painful.

When we send our kids out into the world, they don't forget us. Ts don't forget us either. I really believe that they still care.

That said, I don't think you're ready to leave your T. That's my gut feeling. You're at a new phase where it feels like he's failed you in some way, and that's the end. But it's not. It can still be very good even though he can't fix it 100% by being there 100%. But he can still fix what's wrong. He already has, but he can still do more. You're growing up, and T can still be by your side, but maybe a little bit less. But still the same loving T.

It's hard. I know.....

[BlackCanary]

The turning point for me has been that now I'm thinking about and working on "Hey, this therapy love is great and all, but how do I get this in my REAL relationships?"
This is HUGE scary, because I have to admit that I don't have this intense feeling IRL, that I want it, and that it may be a huge risk to ask for it - what if the other person isn't capable?
Having it in therapy, it's good but I think I know what you are saying - it stays in therapy.
Then there is that whole other topic of loving yourself, so that where ever you go you still have that loving relationship with you no matter what!

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I want to go there and work hard and be honest and be vulnerable and let you see the real me and, despite everything, be the one you love the most.

You say "you have to find a way to get these needs met outside of therapy" or whatever. But that's just it. I CAN'T, because no one will ever know me the way that you know me. Everyone's love will always have "but they don't know the REAL me" attached to it.

Would it help to think about it in this way: you opened up to T completely, and now he can see the "real" you, and he still loves you. This means, that it IS possible for people to love you if they know the real you. Your T proved that it is possible. So when it comes to your other relationships, can you give people the benefit of the doubt and think: this person loves me, but they don't know me entirely. However, T showed me that I am loveable, and even when someone knows everything about me, they will still love me for who I am. So, this other person in my life would also keep loving me if they knew the whole story. There were people in my past who didn't love me, that's true. BUT, this is the present now and most people are different. T showed me that there IS genuine love and acceptance out there, and I will therefore assume that this is true, and that I am loveable for who I am.

[jazzy123456]

life is a series of staircases...each breakdown gets you closer to the top...each time you open up you might just get closer to hope...but, you can't stop climbing...you never know whats on the other side of all this pain.

[ballet_girl]

I can relate. But I really really admire you for being able to talk about this with your T. Although I'm sure my T knows, I've never been able to bring it up with her. Its more like me telling her how much I hate her and her knowing that it isn't true But you are right, it does hurt.

[darkrunner]

(((((((Treehouse)))))

Is it possible that what you won't always need/want that from T? And that if you continue working and becoming healthier, those feelings will just naturally resolve themselves?

I've been thinking about this and trying to zoom out and look at the big picture, and this is what I see -- You just went through some significant trauma processing, which means you made yourself very vulnerable and your feelings for T are very big right now. And that's ok. It's great acutally because you NEED that right now. But that is *now* -- it won't be like that for always. It will be like that for as long as it needs to be because T will always be there for you.

What you said here jumped out at me:

You say "you have to find a way to get these needs met outside of therapy" or whatever. But that's just it. I CAN'T, because no one will ever know me the way that you know me. Everyone's love will always have "but they don't know the REAL me" attached to it.

When you say people outside of therapy don't know the REAL you, is that because they don't know about your trauma history? Therefore they don't know how bad and awful you really are, and if they knew they wouldn't love you?

Maybe you are still weighed down by shame, the shame that really belongs to the perp. Maybe once you work through that and begin to accept all of that as part of you, but not necessarily what defines you, then you won't feel like you need T's love so much.

Maybe you need to continue therapy until you can understand and accept that who you are to the rest of the world - to your H, your kids, your friends - IS EXACTLY who you are in the therapy room.

Originally Posted by darkrunner

When you say people outside of therapy don't know the REAL you, is that because they don't know about your trauma history? Therefore they don't know how bad and awful you really are, and if they knew they wouldn't love you?

Maybe you are still weighed down by shame, the shame that really belongs to the perp. Maybe once you work through that and begin to accept all of that as part of you, but not necessarily what defines you, then you won't feel like you need T's love so much.

Maybe you need to continue therapy until you can understand and accept that who you are to the rest of the world - to your H, your kids, your friends - IS EXACTLY who you are in the therapy room.

This makes me kind of speechless. In a good way. I never thought of it that way...or, like oceanwave said...that T has shown me that someone can love me even knowing my history....and so maybe I can accept other people's love, even though they only know the me they see.

I don't know. It's a lot for my brain to wrap itself around.

I was remembering a moment in therapy yesterday. We were talking about my feelings, and I can't remember what T said, but I said "that's easy for you to say, because you're sitting over THERE" (meaning, in his chair, being the T, having the "power") and he got right up, came and sat next to me on the couch, and said it again. I told him that wasn't what I meant, I meant that I was talking about the power differential, and he said he knew that. But, I don't know, it was one of those moments that made me feel like T was there WITH me, that everything feels kind of awkward and hard, but that T is with me and we'll muddle through the mess.

And, yeah, I DID just come out of a big period of trauma processing...and it does make sense that my feelings for him would be big. He's the only person I've ever told, it feels like my biggest, yuckiest secret, and he just sat there and accepted me and loved me and let me have my huge feelings and stuck with me.

I'm reading a book called "Attachment in Psychotherapy". It says for people with repeated trauma in childhood, the therapy relationship IS the therapy. I get that. I just hope I get to the point in the book where they talk about how to learn to move past that.

Or, I hope I just learn to allow myself to feel how I feel and go to therapy once a week, and just let it be what it is.