[ECHOES]

I've never seen anyone post about something like this, so I'm not expecting replies.

Does anyone else, besides me, feel like their therapisti has too much presense in the room? Too much of her is there. I know it's her room, not mine. And I know we are separate people. But her presense is too big. I've told her she is a distraction. That I say or don't say something based on her personality. Maybe this is just part of therapy, I don't know. But she is very lively and a fast thinker with a much broader vocabulary than I, and it affects therapy.

I'm not stupid, but I've had to tell her several times to not talk over my head. (Does she do this for fun?)

I've told her that silences are helpful to me. (Okay, sometimes they are a place to hide, but other times they are like taking a breath.) She 'tries' but silences are hard for her, she wants to fill them up. When she says that then I feel guiltiy for asking her to do something that is obviously difficult and unnatural for her.

She says it is analysis. She is an analyst. But it isn't traditional Freudian with lying on a couch and free-associating. Which is what I expected and have trouble getting past no matter how much we talk about it. How can it be analyis if we talk about "us". I don't really want there to be an "us" that is so big we need to talk about it. (Does that even make sense?)

Anyway, a couple of examples for what they're worth. I'm tempted to delete this because I know it says volumes about me but oh well, I guess I can take it. lol

[Melbadaze]

Echoes, I think what you feel is proberbly spot on, as you say that is not what analyst is necessarly about ie having to analyst with words constantly.

[WePow]

(((( Echoes )))) Your feelings about the session are valid. And there are people who just have an overwhelming personality. In fact, that is one of the reasons my T had to leave the office he was in with another T. She would come out to the lobby and "fill up" the room. All she would do was say "Hi" to me, and I would want to hide under the table. She was nice enough, and her clients appear to just adore her. But there would be no way I could have her as a T. My T at one point was considering us working with her for EMDR, but after I encountered her with a bit of small conversation, I knew that I would never be able to do that. And my T must have sensed it too because he never said anything else about doing that with her.

His personality is there but in a silent calm way. Like he tries hard to stay out of the way so others have space. When I am with him, I feel like he gives me as much space as I need but can be more there if I need it. Kinda cool how he does that.

Anyway, if you are feeling that much overwhelmed, I would encourage you to search out a new T - just to see if you can find a better fit. People are just different. And you will not change the personality of your T. And your the one who deserves a good fit for your healing.

That makes sense to me, ECHOES.

My T has been in training for a couple of years for a certain type of couples therapy. I ask him about it sometimes, and he says that he has a hard time with it, because he "hears his own voice" so much (there is a lot of coaching). When he said that, it did make me think about T's presence in the room, and in my therapy.

I do know that when I am telling something difficult, T gets very very very very still. I'm not even sure he's breathing - it's like he disappears. I think that does give me the space to do the work I need to do.

As for needing the silences...it's okay to ask for what you need without feeling guilty. You are paying T to help you, and silence is something that you need sometimes.

Like everything else in therapy, I'm sure there is a lot of value in exploring this. But wouldn't it be nice sometimes to not have everything be something to explore?!

[Perna]

Oh, man, I sort of felt I had the opposite problem with my T. Mine didn't seem "able" to understand as many points of view or arguments as I felt I could and she wan't a native English speaker, etc. I just used that whole interpretation of mine and worked to learn to say things in a more simple, straightforward manner than is my wont

I figured I would come across people like my T in real life and being able to commuicate with them would be just as important as communicating with those like myself. Were I you, Echoes, I'd use your T's presence to practice shutting out her personality and dealing with the distraction of it for the same reason that you might meet and have to deal with others like her?

If you enjoy some of her personality, try to copy it? I know I'm much better now at stopping and thinking what I want to say and how to say it straight out (when I recognize and think to do so) with all my words in place so the other person doesn't have as much work to understand me because I wanted my T to understand. Maybe you can practice saying what you feel faster, without thinking it out (being more spontaneous?) and trusting yourself more, because your T trusts herself?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by treehouse

wouldn't it be nice sometimes to not have everything be something to explore?!

[Melbadaze]

sometimes I may say something perhaps like yesterday when talking about feeling alive and I said out aloud, what does that mean and then silence so I turn to T and say, well what does it mean? and T says, you wish me to answer that? sometimes she does automatically, sometimes she waits, gives me space, sometimes I want her to explain everything, sometimes like a session last week she perhaps used to many words which she admitted too, but most times goldliocks gets it just right, not to cold, not to hot, but just right

[PreacherHeckler]

Perna, what you wrote reminded me of something I read a couple of years ago about the benefits of staying with a T whose personality or style takes you way out of your comfort zone. I don't remember where I read it but it made so much sense to me because working with a T whose personality "feels right" doesn't teach us how to become more comfortable with people whose personalities make us uncomfortable. My current T is not someone I would have stayed with if circumstances had been different at the time when I first began working with him because I didn't believe I could ever feel close to him due to our very different styles of relating. But now I'm so glad I stayed because that's actually what I needed to break old patterns of only developing relationships with people who made me feel comfortable right away. It opened doors to a whole new world of people I would have otherwise found to be difficult if not impossible to relate to.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I've never seen anyone post about something like this, so I'm not expecting replies.

ECHOES, I like that you posted a concern we don't see voiced here much.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Does anyone else, besides me, feel like their therapisti has too much presense in the room?

ECHOES, my T is a powerful man and has a lot of presence. But he is also very gentle and has a way of giving space, and he knows the power of silence. I like that he is strong and has a presence, because I am strong too, and I sometimes feel I can be "too much" for some people, and especially I tend to try to dial it back for men, because a lot of men prefer women who are more sweet and dainty (or something! but I am not it). In this way I feel that my T and I can match each other at the intensity or strength level and I don't have to try to be a person I'm not. But I also feel he is very sensitive and can match what I need that day. He can dial his own self back to be calm and accepting and reserved.

There have been times I was happy he was "too much" for me, as when I was just really not wanting to carry the show that day and just let him fill the space with himself. Sometimes it is nice to let someone do that for me. And once I remember he had this kind of traumatic thing happen to him and just spewed forth all his energy to release it and I was quite bowled over. Whoa.... But it was OK, and he thanked me for standing there for him.

I feel I can learn a lot from him about how to be with different sorts of people. I really like to be with my T and I like who he is and how he is. But yet I would have a hard time being my T's friend in real life. I think he might be too much for me in real life. He has a high energy level, and often I don't. I don't think he would squish me in a relationship by being "bigger" than I am, but I might have to push back more than I would normally like to. In therapy, he isn't "too much" though.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I've told her she is a distraction.

What did she say to that? Do you mean she is distracting you from focusing on yourself and your concerns?

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I'm not stupid, but I've had to tell her several times to not talk over my head. (Does she do this for fun?)

I agree, ECHOES, you are not stupid. Far from it! There are times my T says something I do not understand, and I can tell it just may be really important. So I ask him to slow down, and repeat it, and give me a chance to figure it out. Or I ask him for an example. I try to repeat back to him in my own words what I think he is trying to say. This helps me understand. I am not bothered by his saying things I do not get at first.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I've told her that silences are helpful to me. (Okay, sometimes they are a place to hide, but other times they are like taking a breath.) She 'tries' but silences are hard for her, she wants to fill them up. When she says that then I feel guiltiy for asking her to do something that is obviously difficult and unnatural for her.

I think it is great you ask for silences, and I hope she can work on this, as I think it is a good skill for Ts to have. Maybe you could work out some signal, where when you want her to not jump right into the silence and fill it, you can hold up your hand to her, and she can back up and sit quietly. I hope you can stop feeling guilty. You are just asking for what you need. You aren't there to make the hour not be "difficult" for her.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

She says it is analysis. She is an analyst.

Do you mean her always filling the silences? That analysis doesn't do that? That she has to "analyze"/talk a lot and not let you figure things out?

Originally Posted by ECHOES

How can it be analyis if we talk about "us". I don't really want there to be an "us" that is so big we need to talk about it.

That's interesting. Do you spend a lot of time talking out "us" and wish you spent more time talking only about your own concerns outside of therapy? I don't spend much time talking about "us" with my T, but when we do, there are times it has been really good, and there are times it has been really challenging! I know some Ts like to spend a lot of time on this. I do think that the client should be able to bring up the topics they want to talk about, so if your T wants to talk about "us" and you don't want to, are you able to change the topic?

Originally Posted by treehouse

But wouldn't it be nice sometimes to not have everything be something to explore?!

I loved this comment from tree! Sometimes I just like to sit and be with my T and not explore a dang thing. Is that a crime in the world of therapy?

[ECHOES]

Thank you all for your replies. They have given me much to think about and have taken me many places.

My conclusion is that T's big presence in the room is very grounding. And when I state so emphatically that I accept separateness, I think I struggle a lot with it. I think I resent it on many levels.

T and I have talked about dependency.
Several sessions ago I began thinking about how I assign 'authority' to relationships, creating authority figures to fill my dependency need/desire. I began seeing it here and there, but fleetingly because I am so good and denying what is in front of me. Really really good censor. I didn't share this with her. My journal sat in the passenger seat of my car for 2 weeks with this in it that I intended to share in session but censored by leaving it in the car and not referring to it in session.

Last session was a struggle and a big question from T was what would comfort be like/feel like?

Then I had a dream that was just what I would call one long "still photo". It was simply a large black billboard with bright pink and green letters, surrounded by zig-zagged yellow, like a cartoon almost. It just said NOTICE!! Nothing else, just that.
T thought it was humorous in that it is a joke also: A notice stating, 'notice!'

So then last session was one of those totally closed off, speechless, thought deprived sessions. I was really tired and had come home from work and laid down and really didn't want to go to T. Driving allll the way across town was exhausting to think about. But, not going and all the explaining and exploring next time sounded even more exhausting so off I went, hoping the mood would pass. It didn't.

When talking about the dream, which I thought had little significance other than being odd and too brief to have any meaning, she remarked that I seemed to want her to tell me what it meant. Yeah.. but only today did I realize she was referring to my being passive. That I seemed to want that but I wasn't asking. She later asked what it would take for me to participate [in this session].

So today I'm thinking about passiveness. I'm not at all always like that, but sometimes I am. Totally closed off and obviously passive, and sometimes quietly passive. And how that takes me back to wishing wishing wishing a teacher would notice me, adopt me. Be quiet, be the best, nicest, smilingest. Good things come to those who wait, and all that. Not only was there hope in that, but there was comfort. Comfort that it might just come true if I think it hard enough. Magical thinking.

So, perhaps the NOTICE!! was to notice this. Written on a black billboard, like a blackboard, in bright letters like colored chalk. Notice! There was comfort in these fantasies.

Notice! and stop judging. They filled a need at that time, for that little girl.

Notice! that fantasies of being dependent and that being passive don't fill the adult needs, they interfere and prevent the adult relationships that could provide comfort.

T's big, grounding presence in the room prevents me from slipping away to where I can't be available for present possibilities, including comfort.