[bpd mess]

i just sent this to my t. this is miserable. i don't know how to get past it, how to survive it. is this really what it's supposed to be like?

it terrifies me to come see you tomorrow, but i can't wait to see you tomorrow. i'm terrified to change, but i want so very much to change. it's like i'm one big contradiction. one minute i long for something different, the next i'm terrified of it. it's like there's this closed door in front of me. all i have to do is open the door and step through, but my hands are shaking too much to turn the knob. i don't have the strength to open it. or maybe i'm just too scared to open it. i have a civil war going on inside me and there are no winners in a civil war.

[WePow]

(((bpd mess)))) You describe it very well - that hard emotion of needing to change but being afraid to do so. The good thing though is that you are still working hard towards health. I know you can't see it, but you are winning.

[Melbadaze]

bpd, great post)

[bpd2]

If I were a therapist receiving this message, I would be thanking the gods that this person was right where she needed to be: asking for help, being so brave when the stakes are so high.

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by bpd mess

i just sent this to my t. this is miserable. i don't know how to get past it, how to survive it. is this really what it's supposed to be like?

it terrifies me to come see you tomorrow, but i can't wait to see you tomorrow. i'm terrified to change, but i want so very much to change. it's like i'm one big contradiction. one minute i long for something different, the next i'm terrified of it. it's like there's this closed door in front of me. all i have to do is open the door and step through, but my hands are shaking too much to turn the knob. i don't have the strength to open it. or maybe i'm just too scared to open it. i have a civil war going on inside me and there are no winners in a civil war.

I think you are brave really, to talk about how you really feel in here. You know, like your emotions, vulnerabilities, sadness... things I have a hard time discussing.

Do you know your T very well yet, or is he new? I'm scared almost every time I go to T, but I resign myself to just simply doing it anyway. In spite of being scared. That's courage. I think you have courage and you'll get there anyway. I think most people, if not all, have anxiety on some level when it comes to trusting or building up a trusting relationship with a T. It's not easy. I think people who go to therapy are pretty brave, and I'm not just saying that.

My family are scared to death of going to T's. They have a saying "what happens in the family, stays in the family". The truth is that this statement they proclaim to say so strongly, so proudly-only reflects their fear and shame about generations of secrets within the family of abuse, neglect, adoption, drug and alcohol abuse. They are scared to death to confront their own feelings, their own actions, their own decisions, emotions... Everything modern scientific knowledge knows about psychological processes says this is SUPER UNHEALTHY, yet they cling to it as if it is all they have.

My family lives with a collective neurosis of anxiety, fear, and shame because they simply refuse to talk about it and deal with it in a healthy way. Their decision to pretend that everything is okay after such things and to keep them like they are some sort of badge of honor within the family is a bunch of crap. The difference between someone who is like you or like me or other people in therapy is that even though we are scared to death, we take that step anyway because we don't want to live like that.

You are normal, and I think you can do it in spite of what you feel in the moment. I have an anxiety disorder, and I did it. If I can do it, you can too, and over time you might even feel silly when you look back on that day.

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by SenatorPenguin8081

Do you know your T very well yet, or is he new?

i know my t very well and she knows me very well. i mostly trust her, most of the time, except when i don't trust her. boy that sounds wishy-washy. this is the first t that i really fit with. i'm not so much afraid of her right now as i am what's coming.

thanks everyone for the encouragement. i think that's what i needed to make it until tomorrow.

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by bpd mess

i know my t very well and she knows me very well. i mostly trust her, most of the time, except when i don't trust her. boy that sounds wishy-washy. this is the first t that i really fit with. i'm not so much afraid of her right now as i am what's coming.

thanks everyone for the encouragement. i think that's what i needed to make it until tomorrow.

Sometimes I don't trust my T, but I get paranoid sometimes. Usually I work it out by telling him I feel "as if I don't even know if I can trust YOU and that's not an insult or anything T" or something along those lines. Then we usually explore why or whatever. It's helpful.

[WikidPissah]

good for you for expressing yourself to T so well!!!
Very brave BPD...very brave!

(((((bpdmess))))

[notablackbarbie]

(((bpd_mess))) i agree with the rest - you are very brave! I admire you for being honest AND continuing forward. I am one of many who can relate to the struggle & contradiction within...yet have honestly given up; the weaknesses & worthlessness within are more true and real than the possibility of doing/being better ...Hope your appointment goes well tommorow. Know that you are also not alone - i think you do have a lot of great support as you continue...

(((((((((((bpd))))))))))))

My T and I have talked about mental health as being the ability to live in that middle place...between wanting and not wanting, between excitement and fear, between love and loss... That's where so much of life happens. It would be SO MUCH EASIER if we just felt one way, but I think in some ways, it would be less honest, and less real.

It's hard to be in that middle place, especially when it's new. But you are doing it.

I hope your session tomorrow brings you some peace

[bpd mess]

my t replied to what i sent along with other stuff in the email. she said "good writing. print it and bring it tomorrow." now i'm scared! she's going to make me read it out loud, i just know it! it's one thing to write it, it's quite another to read it out loud. i'm thankful she knows how hard she can push me.

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by bpd mess

my t replied to what i sent along with other stuff in the email. she said "good writing. print it and bring it tomorrow." now i'm scared! she's going to make me read it out loud, i just know it! it's one thing to write it, it's quite another to read it out loud. i'm thankful she knows how hard she can push me.

Nah! She probably just wants it there for reference to use as a part of the discussion. You know, like bullet points. I don't think she'll want to waste time by having you read it out loud, especially if you tell her "first of all Mrs. T, I am NOT reading this out loud so I hope that is not what you are expecting" Kinda a "thanks for playing but no thanks" so you can rest your mind on it. Your in control, remember?

[sugahorse1]

Well done for sending that message. I'm sure you'll find it will set up your appointment for conversation to go in this direction and you will walk away having accomplished a hell of a lot in your session.

I'm aslo not brave enough to vocalise things like you have just put into writing. For the time being, I am using the same approach as you (Sending my thoughts in a mail prior to T) and letting T get an understanding of the issues I'd like to work on, just am not brave enough to bring up in a face2face situation. T then directs our conversation, very subtly.

I'm proud you were able to do what you did - it was brave and scary.
Oh - and I totally relate to your feelings too. I'm BP, with a possiblity of BPD - I go through the exact same emotions
((HUGS))