[jazzy123456]

Hello World. Pc. I wish I could leave more comments for you all... but, I also just have a lot to say. After being in therapy, I don't think anyone can ever tell me how I'm suppose to feel during it or if I'm supposed to quit...I feel like therapy is a lot more complicated then it comes across to people who have never done it before...
your dealing with..
1. how your therapist views you
2. how you view yourself
3. your baggage and problems
that's why I would only discuss therapy with those who have done it, I think.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Point Blank: I plopped down at my computer and had an epiphany:
...My life is OKAY. now. it is. Things aren't perfect but, I'm healthy now, I live in a safe environment, I'm about to leave for school--move out of my house,.and I'm dating a new guy.
So, WHY...WHY am I in therapy?
because, I guess I still have deep rooted issues, that involve me being violated...But, the epiphany is actually...
that the ONLY thing that is actually bothering me now besides that violation, is THERAPY? IRONIC...after 10 months of discussing my problems, the only problem I have left is therapy in itself...I just sat down and thought to myself, I would actually be pretty content right now if I wasn't in therapy. Yes, I'd still have problems but, they'd mean a lot less because I could deal with them when I want too and not analyze them so much...it'd be different, they'd seem a lot less important if I wasn't in therapy. I tended to show only the negative sides of who I am. I whine a lot in therapy, I say the things that everyday people in my life probably wouldn't hear...and although, therapists tell you to "come as you are"..."be you..." that often feels like it backfires...because well, because, I'm being me, I'm doing me, and my therapist probably isn't so well pleased with that...so then why ask me to be it??? I don't get it.

After having more then one breakdown and having suicidal thoughts (which I did not open up to my T about...) I ended up being 30 minutes late for an hour appointment....an appointment I waited 2 weeks for. Needless to say, I was pissed cuz it usually takes at least the first 15 minutes, for me to open up in the first place and I wasn't about to open up, just to be shoved out the door super fast. I had pushed through so much pain over the past 2 weeks & I was proud of myself for it and woke up happy about it because, I not only NEEDED, but actually felt I somewhat deserved this time with my T, for being strong and waiting for it. And after all of that it was about to be cut short...which, I called her to tell her I was running late and I cried over the phone. She actually laughed while I was crying but, I think she laughed because she may have felt awkward that I was crying or that I was being too sensitive about the whole thing...honestly, she probably laughed because "she just didn't get it"...why would I cry about running late, you know? But, I thought therapists were suppose to be talented at seeing the ENTIRE situation...at being able to see that maybe there is more to my tears then she realizes. guess not!

but, she really can't see what I go through and what I had been through, just to push towards that session...it was a lot and I had an unpleasant session because I get angry after sitting in traffic, wasting time, money--cuz I have to pay for therapy out of my own pocket, and gas. I apologized for being a "brat" after it was over but, I wasn't necessarily trying to attack her, I was just angry inside, it wasn't directed at her just in general. On average its suppose to take me 30 minutes to get there, it took me 50...so all in all, including the way back home, I wasted money and time and gas...overall, I'd say I spent over an hour and 10 minutes just driving. So, I could not maintain my composure in my session today, since I was so frustrated about it and honestly, I feel like my therapist lost respect for me long before today...like, if your with a therapist long enough, you begin to pick up on the small things they do, and I know shes trying to be empathetic and warm but, I'm sensitive and intuitive, I can tell when she is kinda thinking negatively about me and just holding back...she even said it once in session today, I asked her a question, she spent 5 minutes sugarcoating everything and then after she noticed I wasn't buying it, and didn't want to hear it...she blurted out.."well, do you want me to be honest?" and then she continued talking...this proved what I thought to be true...if shes asking me if I want her to be honest, then obviously she isn't being honest with me 100% of the time---I mean obviously, RIGHT?? If you have to ask me if I want you to be honest with me. ...so, its just frustrating.

I am trying to remember when I used to deal with my problems ON MY OWN. It was much easier because you didn't have anyone analyzing life with you, it was just you and only you...so it makes me think, why stay in therapy any longer, cuz I thought about what I would feel right now if I quit and I'd be stressed, undoubtedly I would but, I wouldn't be feeling this overwhelmed..so why stay? There is a huge difference btwn being stressed and being overwhelmed...therapy overwhelms me right now, life doesn't...you know whats crazy, after 10 months, she said she thinks I'm just at the beginning of processing all the emotions of the issues I've discussed...so although, I want to quit, I was actually thinking the same thing before she said it, although I cry in every session for the past 10 months, and have talked about so much, it does feel like I spent a lot of time feeling the emotion and now its time to actually deal with it. if that makes sense? ..like examine it but, I want to go back to the time when I dealt with my problems on my own. And honestly, I get one of two specific feelings while I'm in therapy.

A. shes saying she cares because she actually does care.
B. shes saying she cares because its her job to just say that.
so either I'm left feeling amazing.
or I'm left feeling really hurt.

[jazzy123456]

I think based on the vote...I'll make a decision. the plan was to see my T in two weeks but, I feel bad about this situation...the plan would be to read what I just wrote out loud over the phone. I would actually be charged money for this phone call...

but, is it a good idea to discuss therapist issues over the phone, since there not like personal issues, there issues with her in particular?

Yes or No?

Based on the situation above...should I...
set up a phone session so, I don't have to wait 2 weeks to tell her the stuff above, plus my session today was cut short anyways?

Yes or No?

Jazzy, if you need relief, I think setting up a phone session is a great idea.

My T and I have had lots and lots of ruptures - big and small - over the past 3 years, and there have been times when a phone call has provided a lot of relief. It's hard to sit with those feelings until the next appointment, and usually, if I can just feel like T HEARS me and GETS it, even if it doesn't "fix" things and we still have to work on it more in session, it gives me enough relief to get through.

I have had those same thoughts....is THERAPY what is causing my current problems? Would life actually be less stressful without therapy? It feels like it sometimes.

But then I look at me 3 years ago before therapy, and me now, and I can see how far I've come. In some ways, I'm not even the same person...and in some ways, I'm the closest to being "myself" that I've ever been. Working through the ups and downs of the therapy relationship, and the big feelings that brings up, ARE the therapy in a lot of ways. That's where I've learned the most lessons in therapy.

So. I vote call. And I vote go to the next session. Things never get better when we run away from them.

[rainbow8]

Jazzy, I don't have an answer right now, but I want you to know you aren't alone. Many of my problems are BECAUSE of therapy, but you know the old question: which came first, the chicken or the egg? Therapy brings out all the stuff that bothers you, so the therapy IS the therapy. I guess this was sort of an answer, but not all I could say about it.

[jazzy123456]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Jazzy, if you need relief, I think setting up a phone session is a great idea.

My T and I have had lots and lots of ruptures - big and small - over the past 3 years, and there have been times when a phone call has provided a lot of relief. It's hard to sit with those feelings until the next appointment, and usually, if I can just feel like T HEARS me and GETS it, even if it doesn't "fix" things and we still have to work on it more in session, it gives me enough relief to get through.

I have had those same thoughts....is THERAPY what is causing my current problems? Would life actually be less stressful without therapy? It feels like it sometimes.

But then I look at me 3 years ago before therapy, and me now, and I can see how far I've come. In some ways, I'm not even the same person...and in some ways, I'm the closest to being "myself" that I've ever been. Working through the ups and downs of the therapy relationship, and the big feelings that brings up, ARE the therapy in a lot of ways. That's where I've learned the most lessons in therapy.

So. I vote call. And I vote go to the next session. Things never get better when we run away from them.

hmm you make some very interersing points treehouse and I am VERY GRATEFUL you took the time to read and respond because your response is very insightful and helping me think! thank you

[sugahorse1]

I've often thought of quitting therapy. Being in T makes it the cornerstone of my life - I can get through the week, because in a few days I'll have T.

It is also very painful to dig up all the issues that therapy seems to do.

I don't have much to add, other than that i can understand your thoughts.

I do however have the experience of cancelling an appointment, because I felt I was ok, and a few days later had a complete melt-down and had to schedule an emergency session. I actually couldnt be a normal, functioning human being without my therapy

[jazzy123456]

thank you rainbow and sugarhorse! it means a lot that you two understand what this feels like.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

So, I could not maintain my composure in my session today, since I was so frustrated about it and honestly, I feel like my therapist lost respect for me long before today...like, if your with a therapist long enough, you begin to pick up on the small things they do, and I know shes trying to be empathetic and warm but, I'm sensitive and intuitive, I can tell when she is kinda thinking negatively about me and just holding back...she even said it once in session today, I asked her a question, she spent 5 minutes sugarcoating everything and then after she noticed I wasn't buying it, and didn't want to hear it...she blurted out.."well, do you want me to be honest?" and then she continued talking...this proved what I thought to be true...if shes asking me if I want her to be honest, then obviously she isn't being honest with me 100% of the time---I mean obviously, RIGHT?? If you have to ask me if I want you to be honest with me. ...so, its just frustrating.

I think it would help you to go to the next session or talk on the phone, and discuss this ^. You are saying that the only problem you have right now is therapy. You might want to think about what exactly the problem with therapy is. For instance, if you look at the scenario you describe above: do you tend to have those feelings around other people too? Or did you, in the past? If the answer is yes, then therapy could still be helpful. But it's really up to you. You might well find that quitting therapy will make things settle down a bit.

[sunrise]

Hi Jazzy, what did you decide to do? Are you going to have a phone session or wait for your regular session? You said you wanted votes. In general, I tend to advocate for waiting until the next session, unless one is in a crisis. I think it is valuable to sit with feelings and process them in the absence of a therapist. I often find I can make a lot of progress on my own with reflection and processing, and feel completely differently by the time therapy rolls around. That allows me and T to start further down the road to whatever we are working on, because I have processed so much on my own. You wrote several times that you wanted to work on problems on your own. Waiting until one's next session is a way to do that. You work on problems on your own between sessions and then with your T at the session. It's like having your cake and eating it too. I know some others here communicate with their therapists regularly between sessions, and that works for them. I guess it is very individual and even for one person, can change from week to week. So, know thyself?

Originally Posted by jazzy

After having more then one breakdown and having suicidal thoughts (which I did not open up to my T about...) I ended up being 30 minutes late

When I read that, I wished you would stay in therapy and not quit, so you would have the support your T can give, and you can work through and solve problems that are causing you to be suicidal. I think if you are feeling suicidal, you should call your T.

You mentioned deep-rooted issues but not wanting to work on these now. I have some deep-rooted stuff I haven't worked on yet in therapy also. It's not affecting my daily functioning, though, so I guess there is no pressing need to work on those things, but yet I want to! I really want to have all the stuff out in the open with my T and free up more inner space and reclaim energy and get rid of the effort and tension, even unconscious, that is required to keep that stuff hidden and under control. But yet that is balanced by "I'm doing fine right now." So, I struggle with this too.

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

although, therapists tell you to "come as you are"..."be you..." that often feels like it backfires...because well, because, I'm being me, I'm doing me, and my therapist probably isn't so well pleased with that...so then why ask me to be it??? I don't get it.

I think this is important to discuss with her. You aren't in therapy to please your therapist, so that probably doesn't factor into her telling you to come as you are. I read in your post several times when you made assumptions about what your therapist is thinking and feeling. Now, maybe you are right, but maybe you aren't. It is good to check these assumptions with your therapist. You may find that she was thinking something completely different than you had thought. I think learning to communicate with another person in ways such as being direct and checking assumptions with them can be a really valuable outcome of therapy. You can use these skills forever in your life. So, if you are searching for other reasons for being in therapy (you said you had none but therapy itself), that is a good one! Not to mention the support one--which, in my mind, seems like it should be foremost. Please stay safe. If that means a call to your T, then go for it.

[geez]

Thank you for posting this (((Jazzy))). In short I second what Tree said.

In addition to what Tree said I live for my appts with T (even though I think it sucks to deal with the painful emotions - lately I've been leaving T feeling crappy with all that has been talked about etc...). If I didn't have therapy now god only knows where I would be.

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey Jazzy.

[jazzy123456]

I'm going to create a new thread about everything. thanks sunrise and geez!