[jazzy123456]

I apologize for the length. Feel free to not read... This is the Phone Conversation with T: What I plan to say: So, I don't forget anything. But, I'm kinda tempted to send this to her a couple of hours before, so she can read it and then we can just spend time discussing what she thinks of it, since its a lot... what do you think? but, I have a feeling she hates my emailing so that probably won't end up happening.

..What I plan to say on the phone this week...

1. When I was crying in the car and upset on the way to therapy and you laughed over the phone it upset me. It upset me because I was upset in the car for many reasons irrelevant to therapy. In actuality, I had so much anger in that office and in the car that wasn't really directed at any particular person because, my good friend that was a girl kissed me as a joke for her boyfriend, without asking me, & I did not know how to word all the confusion & anger it caused me because I got butterflies in my stomach. So, my reaction when I arrived late to therapy--was--I wanted to talk about it but, I knew I wouldn't be able to get it out in time... because I only had thirty minutes. I couldn't really verbalize any of the underlying feelings of my anger though. Not to say this excuses my behavior, because it definitley doesn't... but, I bring it up because this is one out of the many reasons I was upset and crying on the way, and you seemed to be either not taking me seriously or laughing at me.

2. Although I carry too much self-pity and exaggerate some times in therapy...I feel like I have not been able to express to you, why it is hard for me to break this habit in therapy...because, it is very, very difficult...even when I know I am doing it, its difficult. I don't know if you remember telling me once that when children don't get the attention they need, they feel the need to act out;misbehave;because attention is attention, regardless of why it is given. Attention is probably the wrong wording for my particular situation but, I just feel the need to be this way because when I used to be calmer, trying to verbalize things, no one would hear me. If I express things any other way then the way I do, I won't be heard. Its deeper then just validation for me, its a fear of not being heard that I carry with me in that office. And I don't do it all the time but, many times I exaggerate as much as I do in that room because that room is just a room that scares me sometimes more then normal, because I am sharing the more intimate details of my life...so my fear of not being heard is always greater there, then anywhere else. but, I noticed you bring up something recently and its not a big deal but, I just wanted to let you know that in that room, I focus on MY problems because that is what that room is for. But, this doesn't mean that I do not understand that other people face the same problems and pains as I do. And I don't know if you remember that poem I wrote a while back and recited for you about abuse but, it was for younger girls who had been abused...50% of what I write is usually dedicated to the issues every day people face. I spent a lot of my life trying to help people and found it difficult to RECEIVE...but, I do recognize that other people hurt, cry, have pain...its funny, in actuality, my life will probably be dedicated to voicing that pain..and reaching those people...

3. And I have kind of been noticing that you hold back on saying stuff to me and I'm sure part of the reason you do that is because it is your job to do that...just for example, when I mentioned my major would possibly be psychology, I knew you disagreed, and honestly, I was okay that you did, because I expected that you would...but, you did not want to show me that you disagreed and I am just using that as an example of the fear that experience and many more just like it, put in me, when I think of therapy and trust...because, I am afraid there is A LOT MORE that you hold back on and the majority is negative??? Now, that could be completley untrue but, that is why I have to bring it up...to see where I am right and where I am wrong because I do not want to jump to assumptions. All I know is, because you hold back, which is fine but, because you do...I fear that you are holding back more negative then positive and have a completly different view of me...in this, It was important that I told you that fear of trusting you and stuff...because I feel like there is no important time then now that I am supposed to be able to trust you, because I was making a decision to share one of the most difficult things to talk about, sexuality.

4. I was wondering if you are still upset over the email I sent a long time ago...??? because, I kinda think about that sometimes and feel like I truly offended you, even though that was not my intention. My intention was to email, so you wouldn't be upset with me but, apparently I crossed boundaries I shouldn't have and I don't know if your still resentful about it, because all I can do is take responsibility for the mistake I made. All I can say is sorry, I don't know??
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but, I do not think the best parts of me were shown in therapy but, therapy taught me that I do have MANY parts to who I am. And It also taught me that I have to learn how to forgive myself for all of the dark, nasty, negative parts of me that showed up while in therapy...partly, because without showing those parts I would have never developed a broader perspective of who I am as a person and secondly, we kind of interact with people a lot of the time, by the way we view ourselves, and if I am ever going to forgive others and be happy, I must first learn how to love and forgive myself.

[zooropa]

I think it'd be great to send that to your T, Jazzy. I'm wondering about what you said about feeling like she hates your emails. Why do you feel that way? Did she tell you not to email, or set some of limit or boundary?

[Sannah]

Jazzy, I would also suggest sending this by email before the phone call so then you can use to phone call to discuss it.

[granite1]

very well said jazzy.now i think you should give her a call.my T doesnt like e-mail either and would rather i call or talk about it in sesson but has realized that it is better than nothing i think .maybe it isnt that she minds e-mail as more that it is she would rather you talk to her face to face about it

[jilliebeanmn]

Very well though out. I think it's a good idea to share it prior to your session. Either via phone or email.

[rainbow8]

I think there is a lot in there, and T might not be able to respond to it all over the phone. Did you say this will be a regular session but on the phone? How many minutes?

So, I think you should send it to her ahead of time so she can think about how to respond.

I think you're making a lot of assumptions (I do that too!) about what you think T thinks. My T said I don't have to worry about that. You don't have to protect your T from you. It's her job to accept you the way you are.

Good luck with your phone session. When is it?

[bpd2]

Hi Jazzy--you're doing great at thinking this all out for yourself! Pain is very hard to see into...it's this huge fog riddled with "cold pricklies" as they used to say. So, very, very good job.

My advice? It's confusing for another person to plunge right into our feelings. I get more of what I want from people if I condense the topics even further than you already have. Like:
1. Painful confusion over a flippant kiss from a girl really upset me right before I got to see you last time.
2. I am afraid you don't "see" me: I am in pain in here a lot...and I want to work on that, but I think you think I only talk about my pain, but I talk about others' too--like that poem I wrote for young abused girls.
3. I think you held back in telling me what you think about my idea of majoring in psych, and that added to my worry that you hold back a lot, and I think it is all negative.
4. I sent a powerful email awhile ago--you remember the one?--and I think it may have changed things between us. I'm worried that it may have offended you.

I probably messed up in my summaries, but they're illlustrations. I hope they didn't in any way offend you.

When I look at this list, I know my own t would say this is more than we can get to in one session, but that we can decide which to address today and make a plan to talk about the others next time or in short (limited # of words) emails. The important thing for me is that I not get trapped in that horrible, painful, frustrated silence that does come with not being able to even be heard, let alone seen. The more concrete and concise I can make my statements, the more quickly my t will understand "where we are", what terrain I need to cover with him. And he will understand that a large part of the anxiety I brought into the room with me is that I have so much to talk about and that they are relationship topics with him--that I am asking for reassurance about our relationship before I will be able to do any work that I can even remember this session. (And that always brings up a discussion of what our relationship is and isn't, and that is very, very important and changes some of my feelings and thoughts.)

You are so brave to be able to face your topics. Your strength is very beautiful.

[jazzy123456]

THANk YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU ALL! For Taking the Time to READ this and comment...


A couple of things I did not make Clear was:

this phone call is my session and its supposed to last an hour
but, the stuff I wrote out is what I want to talk about.
So, I'm trying to see if it is a good idea to discuss all of this on the phone
but, I don't have a choice because I can't drive this time.

I also don't have a choice because this will be my second to last session,
like after this phone call I will only have possibly two but, maybe only one session left because I will be moving and thats why it is so important to me that I get all of this across to her on the phone and we discuss it, cuz time is running out...

The only problem is, I doubt she wants me to email her this before the phone call, because for whatever reason, probably because she too rather talk in person, she doesn't want me to email as much anymore and I do not know that for sure, to answer all of your questions but, I'm pretty sure she wants me to cut back on emailing.

Lastly, BPD--thank you for the illustrations, I might use that...as a guide.
and I wasn't offended by them, it was very helpful

Thank you all, once again THANK YOU!

[rainbow8]

It's a little different because you have only 1 or possibly 2 sessions left. Are you going to see a new T after you move?

If it were me in your situation, I would go over your post and think really hard about what you need to get settled with your T. How long have you seen her? When you terminate therapy, you usually summarize what you've gained, and what you still need to work on if you are going to continue therapy.

Instead, it sounds like you have a lot of issues that would require more than 1 or 2 sessions. What do you want to resolve with her that you can't with a new T? That's what you need to talk about. Maybe you need to clear up some of the misuonderstandings, maybe you want to know if she'll tell you what she really thinks of you, or maybe it's something else. Maybe you need to know if she thinks you will do okay in psychology.

It's too much for even 2 more sessions, since they are going to be your last ones.

What do you REALLY want to say to your T? I don't think it's all of what you wrote. There is probably something underlying it all that you can focus on.

[bpd2]

Jazzy, I'm sorry you are under so much presssure to capture resolution for each of these problems! I think Rainbow's comments are very wise. It has to be very hard to consider how to use this time now, and your focus is even more impressive with such a change coming! I hope you see the strength in your posts--that you are articulate and thoughtful about what to use your last sessions with this therapist for.

[jazzy123456]

Well, it is a possibility that I will have a couple of phone sessions after I move because, she wants me to make a positive transition out. but, I have no idea what to expect...but, I shouldn't be in the office and my moving isn't 100% settled...so, sometimes I wonder if I won't end up moving. I'm in a very hard place.

And I feel like a bad person, because its like, your supposed to leave therapy feeling accomplished. not feeling like your therapist doesn't understand you or has feelings that she is hiding from you. Good therapy--is not suppose to make me feel this way, I don't think? If theres anything I understand, I understand that I am supposed to feel proud of myself. and I don't.

If I could sum it up--I just think its crazy that I started therapy so I could go somewhere where I felt understood and I was, for a good period of time but, I feel like I am leaving therapy the complete opposite of how it made me feel and now I feel misunderstood, understandably so...if you spent time reading all of my stuff above.

[Sannah]

Jazzy, what will it hurt emailing this to her? My opinion is that you need to clear up these misunderstandings with her. I think that it is common for these to occur with therapy. If a person needs therapy these things will come up, it is part of working through your stuff.

[jazzy123456]

Yeah, I think so..omg, my phone session is tommmorow though and I never emailed it to her...its supposed to be at 10:30. sooo I'm planning on calling her in the morning around 9:00 and discussing how I have already written down some things and want to see if she rather read it over the phone or read it before 10:30 or do a little of both, read part of it but, not all of it. Honestly, I really hope she has access to a computer tommorow and can read the first half of it, so at least she can already have a response ready for the first half of it , before we get on the phone, since it is so much information.