Today I was talking to my therapist on the phone. I have huge issues with being able to speak when I'm upset. And I told him I didn't want to see him this week, because it was hard to speak. And he said that we needed to meet. (unfortunately unlike most therapists, mine is mostly mandatory, however productive, because 95% I want to meet). I repeated that I wished not to. And he asked why. I told him "Never mind you're not getting it". And he raised his voice and got confrontational saying that I was passive aggressive and he didn't have time to read between the lines anymore. I just sighed, tried really hard to spit out what I wanted to say, but sucked it back in and whispered. "I can't do this". And hung up the phone on him.

He called me back a half hour later and apologized, saying that things at the office are stressing him out and he shouldn't have pushed me so much.

Was this okay? I feel like this was my fault. That I was bad.

I also feel like saying. "If you don't have time to "read between the lines", then you don't have the patience it takes to work on my anti dependence, and therefore you don't have time for me."

It's been an ongoing issue where I regularly have therapy appts not scheduled or canceled, because other patients have more severe needs. (Or ask for more then I do). So this also makes me feel that he has no time for me.

[jazzy123456]

I'm sorry this happened. don't know what to say but, I think if he apologized this couldn't be your fault...people don't apologize unless they think they were the ones who did something wrong.

[ECHOES]

I think this gives you lots to talk about next time you meet

[geez]

Lydia keep us posted on how things work out. Sounds like he was abrasive. I hope you get some resolution with either this T - or perhaps it's time to find one that better suits your needs? Have you learned anything from having therapy with this particular T?

[ladyjrnlist]

Too bad for his stress and the other patients. You are important too and you should tell him that.

Echoes- Yes, yes it does. Thank you for making that more tactile for me. Sometimes I go about things with the best intentions (like talking about that stuff in therapy). And by the time I get in the actual session, it's flown away to never never land, with it's best friend, the fear fairy. Having somebody recognize it needs to be discussed brings it out of my head. (Breaking up the fairy friends )

Geez- I have gotten something from it. At least in the past. And it's hard to tell if it's him or it's me. But right now things aren't going anywhere. I lack trust in him. And therapy has been a complete standstill for a good 2 months. And he's not really giving me good reason to want to trust him again.

-Thanks everyone you've all inspired me to write a letter to give him in our next session. I may not have the ability currently to open such a conversation with my verbal words, but in writing, I hold nothing back. I believe it comes from many, many years of journaling, when nobody would listen to me speak my mind. Eventually I'll have to ditch the habit. But I should probably work on other first class priorities first. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

[with or without you]

They are human, just like you, and they screw up from time to time. But if you feel it's really becoming a problem, either clearly let them know or find another therapist.

[ECHOES]

Sometimes I go about things with the best intentions (like talking about that stuff in therapy). And by the time I get in the actual session, it's flown away to never never land, with it's best friend, the fear fairy

Me too. Just last night I talked *again* about how everything vanishes as I cross the threshhold to the therapy room. I can visualize it. "Ack!! Not going in there!" arms stretched out across the doorway in defensive resistance.

It also sounds like you do want to trust him...

That's good you can write - do you take it in with you?

[WePow]

It is important to learn how to ask for what you need and also how to accept what you need. It almost sounds as if there may be something inside you that is telling you that you don't deserve to be treated the same way T treats the others? IDK - maybe I am way off here. But it feels like it may be very hard for you to get what you really do need for some reason. So you end up missing out on sessions you need to attend?

Can you set yourself up a solid time with T that doesn't change? That may help you to be there on "YOUR" time regardless of how you feel or if others think they need T?

[WikidPissah]

I want to encourage you to write that letter. Like someone else already said NO it's not your fault, you are not inherently bad! He screwed up, he even acknowledged that by apologizing.

So where did you leave it? Are you going to meet?

O gosh. Yesterday, he told me he would contact me today, so we could meet. This was after he told me we would meet yesterday, but didn't. But nothing, not even a cancellation call. This was after, for the first time EVER in the three years I've been with him, that I reached out to him in an email and told him I was having horribly intrusive images that involved suicide. And that they scared me. (They're related to OCD). I have never been able to be that honest before with him. I typically keep those things to myself, because I fear reactions. I told him I worried about compulsions it took to stop them.

It might be hard to understand, but my team is crisis based. When we need them, they're there. (Well supposed to be). I haven't used that aspect of them yet. But people in the program can also take advantage of it. Those who are needy may call the on call phone, because they're just lonely. They also have a lot of really severe cases, most of them have spent a good chunk of their lives in state psych wards. Severe schizophrenia, and unmanaged bipolar 1. And then there's also people like me. Who are functional in society, but still are required to be there, because I've spent a good portion of my time in private hospitals and my insurance company would rather not cover those expenses. However they are sorely understaffed right now apparently, because all I do, all day, everyday is sit at home staring at four walls.

I've showed interest in getting out into the community, but due to my narcolepsy, I can't currently drive. I don't live walking distance of any towns. They took my case worker away, and made my lovely therapist my caseworker, so I have no services in that area, so everytime I bring up wanting to get involved. I have to give up a therapy session (precious gold in these days) to talk about caseworking stuff. And it's really not just him, it's the whole team. They don't include me in gatherings, because they think that I'm somehow just perfectly fine here on my own. But I'm not. And just because I talk to them, and don't act like a victim of a mental illness doesn't mean I don't deserve the care that's rightfully mine! It's not fair. I am so tired and depressed and sick and nobody is listening to me. And I just want to scream. I DESERVE HELP TOO. STOP IGNORING ME. Stop canceling my therapy sessions for them, stop making me feel like I'm not good enough. Stop making me wait for them. Stop telling me one thing and doing the other. Don't get upset with me, because you're upset with them. And stop telling me I'm trapped here. How am I supposed to trust anyone under those circumstances?!

[Perna]

Gee, Lydia, sounds like you have the setup from heck I think I would use all my therapy hours to get a better setup set up? I'd use whoever they've got to work on being case worker and hammer out some details with your care if you can; printing out and bringing in this thread to start with.

I'd also work on what you can do at home, instead of staring at the four walls? You need to get interested in something online (like this site, good choice :-) that is a bit more active? Do you have a website or blog or anything that you do creative online? Do you have any personal, lifestyle goals like regular health care or weight loss or fitness?

I would look for a local group that interests you that might have someone living close enough to come get you and drive you to meetings? I met someone on here, on this site, that needed help with driving and I helped her get around and to meetings for a couple years until she had a car and could drive. I would make a project to look at all the local-to-you sites you can find and see if you can't set up a way to get out of the house a bit more like you want. What would you like to try out in the community? I would look at all the community services too, see if there isn't a transportation one that can get you places. How do you get to therapy?

Bad setup yes. It's something I will have to discuss today. And learn to stay firm in boundaries without melting.

The internet is actually part of my problem. I feel I spend too much time on here. But if given the chance to go out there instead of here, I'd take it in a heartbeat. I do have a dog, whom I spend a great deal of time with outside and training.

As far as the getting rides from people. That just dives into my issues. I'm very anti dependent and getting rides from my family is hard enough, let alone strangers. (which is why asking my team for support and them not providing is a double sting).