trust

Googley--I am confused on why you have to re-take this class? If you work was fine, how could they have failed you?

Also, (if you want), what specifically makes you think your T disapproves? I interpret silence from my T as disapproval SO easily, and it generally isn't true.

Can you tell your T this Googley?

What is the title of the class?

I think it came up again because I am having to register for the class I failed. All my anger about how I was treated with the class and the review are coming back up. I asked her if she thought I could succeed doing my dream and she asked something along the lines of, do you think I have your best interests in mind? I feel like everything changed when I showed her the review. That she is taking their word as gospel and now I'm the one who is 'crazy' for being upset with how they dealt with it. Even though when I went to talk to them 1 on 1 about it, no one would take any responsibility for anything mentioned in the review except my anxiety. I asked for examples of the other stuff, and no one could provide any.

She seems to think that my frustration with the demeaning way that clients are sometimes talked about is unreasonable. That the professors are right and I am wrong. I specifically asked her when I started seeing her if she was open to discussing the stigma around mental health within the field. But now that we are getting to it, apparently she is not really open to it.

I felt her opinion of me change when she read the review, but I tried to ignore it. I tried to tell myself that I was reacting to something that wasn't really there. That I was imagining her change in opinion. But now that the issue has come up again, I am seeing it again. And this time I can't ignore it. I asked her if she believed in me, and she couldn't give me an answer. She hesitated a moment too long for her response to have been natural. The way she turned it back into a question just made that silence seem like it could be nothing other than 'no'.

I don't want to be judged, but I do want her honest opinion. I feel like they are two different things. Judgment implies for me a values based decision. Where as an opinion is based in fact. Yes it would hurt if she didn't think I could do it. But if she gave me a yes or no answer, then I would be able to ask her why. With her just turning it around on me, I can't find out why she thinks the way she does. Not knowing one way or the other rips at the threads of trust that have grown.

She says that she 'wants what is best for me' but I don't know how to interpret that. What a vague statement.

I still don't really believe that she isn't going to be mad at me for being angry with her. She says she wont. But I continue to wait for the time when she is. For the time when she is unable to hide her being mad at me.

So it appears (at least from the outside) that the professors got together and decided to fail me because of my anxiety and not because of my actual performance in the class.

It was just really hard after she read the review as it seems like her perception of me changed. I really really tried to convince myself that I was seeing things that were not really there.

It is hard to think that my professor doesn't have something out for me. That she doesn't have some reason (unknown to me) for hating me. I'm just so angry!

I don't know what to go and say. Except that I'm really really angry at her. I feel stupid for saying it

because I've been trying to deny that this whole thing has upset me.

I don't feel like it is fair to her for me to be angry at her. None of this is her fault. She is just trying to help me.

But I can't stop being angry with her.

I feel like a failure.

I just want to be able to go into T and feel safe.

Instead I'm scared she will hate me.

Did your professor tell you that you were failed because of your anxiety?
She told me she failed me because she saw me as anxious all the time. Except I'm not anxious all the time. I'm just anxious around two specific professors (and she is one of them). She doesn't see me at any time she isn't around so when she sees me I am anxious. But I'm not anxious all the time. Shje didn't fail me becasue I couldn't do the work in the class. She told me there was no reason for me to repeat the didactic portion of the class. The only way to "fix" my problem was to go to T, for which at the time I did not have enough money to go every week. She almost yelled at me telling me that I needed to put my T as a higher priority. I wanted to say "and which of the things above it in priority would you like me to make it more important than: 1. Rent 2. Food 3. Medication 4. Car (so that I can get to T and when I am able to find a job in this state that has some of the highest unemployment in the country I can get to it.) Which would you like me to bump off that list?"


It would be good to check this out and ask her directly.
This is where we were going last time, but we ran out of time. I kind of brought it up at the end of session hoping to get a yes or no answer out of her because we were so short on time. That didn't work. I just got the reply of "you think I have your best interest at heart right?" I wanted to reply (but didn't) "And what if we don't agree on what is best for me?"
Maybe we will get into it tonight.

My reply to this will depend on your reply to my first question in this post.


So this is like with your parents maybe? You were angry at them but were afraid to show it because they would withdraw their love?

It is hard to think that my professor doesn't have something out for me. That she doesn't have some reason (unknown to me) for hating me. I'm just so angry!