triggers are weird

some triggers are basically understandable, even by someone on the outside. Other stuff, though. Wow. It really makes me wonder how I'll ever be ok.

example:

I have T tomorrow. This has been on my mind, off and on, all day. As it gets later and later, it is on my mind more and more. Tonight I am suddenly very sad and miss T LIKE CRAZY. Thinking about it, I think I miss her because I only talked to her once in the week since I saw her last, and because so much has happened in that time. I have been so busy and so sick and had so much going on, I didn't think about T very much.

And I think that makes part of me, what some of you may call my younger parts, feel scared and insecure. That I'm "growing up" and don't need T as much, this week, as I have in the past. Knowing that this is part of the journey, and the end of the journey is saying goodbye to T. It just makes me feel all dizzy and spiraley.

I say I want to get better, and I DO want to get better. But it is SO SCARY. I know how to be the way I've always been. I do not know how to be healthy. It scares the $hit out of me. My T has been with me as my life changed utterly, as I came back from the brink of death. How can I not attribute at least part of my healing to her? And if I do that, then how can I know that I will stay healthy without her??

(hey! just now realized, my session last week was on Monday, so it's actually been over a week since I've seen her. Am I so used to seeing her every 7 days that I can feel it in my gut that too much time has passed, even if I'm not aware of it? weird.)

I just wrote this in another thread that I feel that child development needs to occur in therapy and where you are at is at a young age and you are too young to be let loose yet from your therapist and it would be scary! It is like a 5 or 6 year old having to leave her parents and be on her own. You aren't ready yet but with continued work and therapy you will be ready one day.

I just posted about my girls and how they are getting to that age where they need me less. It took time for them to get to this stage and it will be the same for you (but much less time because catching up is much faster than the original child development!).

You are right where you need to be at this moment so it might be helpful to try to quit looking too far down the road to see what is up ahead (because you aren't ready yet).

This is something I talked about with T yesterday, I emailed her after session and her reply really touched the spot.

I wrote..

Talking about the "baby" today feels like I've reached the itch that I normally can't reach...I think that baby runs the show a lot and also I think I am scared of that baby like my mum was, and I think when you go away I feel angry that you are abandoning that baby...and I think I'm scared of letting go of that baby and being fully adult because I may loose you, but that could be the baby doing the thinking there...bye

and T replied

Dear "melba"

Yes, I think you've internalized your mother's fear and rage at the baby you. I know what you mean about being afraid that if you 'lose' the baby you would lose me too, but that's not going to happen and I think there's more of a danger that you don't hold onto the baby enough, actually. It's good that you are aware that it's that part of you that feels abandoned when I go away, but I wonder if there's also an aspect of being angry because you then have to manage that part on your own - as if we are both parenting her but you don't feel able to maintain it alone.

The baby is representing an inner need - in that sense, as soon as you begin to feel the need is met, you become terrified that it will be withdrawn. I think this must have been part of the dynamic between you and your mother too - that she would sometimes begin to meet your needs and then withdraw again.

Love, ****

((((((zoo))))))

I can relate to what you're going through. You've had a hard week and you got through it. Maybe now those young parts are reacting, you know, a delayed reaction. I hope you have a productive, good session!!

((((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))

Last summer, I started to feel that I didn't need T in the same way, and it scared me. I cried a lot, and it was the main topic of our therapy. I LOVE T. The thought of being without him was SO sad

I was just thinking yesterday about the fact that we've kind of settled into this new relationship since then. It was a little bumpy getting here, but I'm okay with needing him less. I thought that he wouldn't love me anymore, that I wouldn't be "special", that he would forget about me and not care about me. None of that has ended up being true. If anything, I feel even closer to him, even though I'm seeing him less and we have way less contact between sessions. It's like I really really BELIEVE he's there in the background, supporting me, and like it's okay that I'm okay.

Just like everything else in therapy, I had to experience it to believe it. T could tell me "this will feel okay eventually" but there was no way - NO WAY - I would believe him. Now I see...it IS okay. I'm okay.

I did a lot of grieving before I got to this point. "growing up" is hard. I was SO scared that if I let go of T even a little bit, he would disappear forever...but that's not what happened. He is the same safe, consistent T. Our relationship has changed, but in a good way. It really DOES feel like growing up.

It's okay to be sad and to grieve. I know it's hard to imagine, but it really will be okay. Hang in there, sweet zooey

Agree that triggers are weird. Over the weekend, I saw a T-shirt in a catalog: "DADDY - so easy to operate, even a daughter can do it".
I thought of my exT, it would be great for him.....!
It is the inner 10 yr old that really misses him. We were about to start working with that feeling when he announced he was leaving for another job. She never got to talk.
Today's session with newT will be interesting!

I don't know what makes this trigger less than basically understandable, zoo. I think any person would have difficulty with the therapeutic relationship and miss their T. You grow attached to a person you share your secrets with. That is natural, normal human behavior. This person is a part of your life, and is a very comforting presence, so you want to be around this person a lot. Again, natural. It is very abnormal in human relationships to form a close attachment, and then only see a person one time per week. Anyone who wouldn't understand this, doesn't understand the normal, human reactions that people have when in a therapeutic relationship!

I think it is fine to acknowledge the role a T has in our healing. (I owe my T a lot for that!) I don't see the two things you mentioned as being necessarily connected. Like say that together with another artist you painted a magnificent painting that hangs on your wall. If the other artist should move away, the painting does not disappear. It has been created and it endures. The changes you are making in your life (the healing) will not go away if someday your T leaves the scene (even though her absence is painful to contemplate right now).

YES. This exactly this.

and also this. Yes.

thank you for that perspecitve, Jexa. It makes a lot of sense.

and thank you, sunrise, for that analogy. I hadn't thought of it that way, but when I read your words, I smiled. I hope that is true.

thanks to all of you who read and replied, or even just read. This therapy thing is hard, isn't it?