[zooropa]

my session today felt strange, and I left just overcome with sadness. I sat in my car and cried for a while before I drove away. I felt no connection with T today, it was just very strange.

I don't know quite what was going on in the room today. My T asked me first thing if anything was on my agenda. When she says that it makes warning bells go off for me, because she only asks when SHE has an agenda and she's trying to find out what mine is so she can fit them both in.

T was...distracted? She actually LEFT THE ROOM in the middle of my session to go to the bathroom. In 2 years of weekly sessions she has NEVER done that. Before that, twice, she asked me to repeat something I had just said because she forgot. TWICE. She actually argued with me about whether I said something was Thurs morning or Thursday. I told her "I'm meeting ____ (a lawyer) on Thurs" and she said "What time?" and I said "five" and she said "In the morning?" And I was like..."nooo, 5pm." and she said "oh, you said it was thursday morning." And I said "no, pretty sure I didn't", and she said, "well anyway, it's 5pm? You're sure?" I mean. Really. Who meets a lawyer at 5am??

Anyway. That's one example. The part where she left the room was the most out of character I have seen her in a long time.

I'm just struggling with trying to take ownership of my part in whatever the dynamic was today, and not taking ALL THE BLAME because that's so easy for me. If there's a problem, especially with T, it must be my fault, because I'm the crazy person and she's not, you know?

I'm trying to be sort of objective and look at what went on, and realize that my T was probably just having an off day, and that it probably had nothing to do with me. Always a difficult concept for me.

So yeah. A lot of feelings. We finished trauma work today, I guess. She said we will talk next week about our "road map".

And that...maybe that's what's bugging me, deep down. I...don't want to not talk about it anymore. I don't LIKE talking about it, and often DREAD talking about it, but...now am I alone with it again? T is the only one I have ever, ever told the whole story to. I don't want to have her close that door and....just shut me in the dark with it again, I guess.

A lot of conflicting feelings. I called to try to talk about some of this with her this afternoon but my call went to her house, which isn't a private or confidential voice mail and I'm not comfortable leaving a message there. I have no idea who she lives with or who might listen to her messages.

So I sent her a text telling her that, and I guess I'm kind of waiting for her to call or text me back, but kind of not because I don't know what she's doing. I don't know why she had her calls sent to her house in the middle of the day, or if she's having phone problems again, or what.

stuck in limbo.

I've had off sessions before....some really awkward, and it's always hard to believe that it's not your fault. But, the reality is, Ts do have bad days....I wonder if you can tell T that you noticed she was distracted?

When I've had the courage to bring it up with my old T, I was usually validated that she was indeed having an off day.

Either way, I hope she calls you soon so that you're not stuck in limbo for long...

[jexa]

omg zoo, your T sounds like I felt today. I was doing an assessment today and did an AWFUL job. I have been having issues with my sinuses and I did not sleep well last night, so today at work I was in a fog. This assessment I did, was on a mom from the clinic where I work that I know really well from doing lots of assessments with her for one of our research studies. She was sooo sad and stressed and needed to vent so much. Her kid was doing really really badly (had come BACK to therapy -- this means they FLEW in AGAIN because they live out of state! You can see how much this sucks). And I just sucked at listening today. I was in a bad mood and sick. I tried to listen, I did my best, but I wouldn't be surprised if she walked away from the assessment kind of feeling like you do now. I HATE that, but blah, I just was OFF today.

The point of this is that your T probably just had an off day. This REALLY sounds like the way my off days feel. Also, the weather in my area is causing everyone in my office to have issues with allergies/sinuses. I wonder if this might be the culprit?



Sorry you didn't get that connection with T, today, zoo. I hope you can find a way to get that connection on the phone very soon.

[with or without you]

Sorry to hear all that. Her leaving the room at one point sounds especially unsettling for you. I wonder if she was not feeling well and couldn't help it. A couple times, when my T and I talk on the phone, she has asked me to hold for a moment because she is calling me from her cell phone and wants to make sure that another incoming call is not possibly a clinical emergency.

I hope you are able to work this out.

[googley]

I'm sorry ((((((((Zoo))))))))).

It sounds like maybe she is sick. I hope that your next session goes better and she gets back to you. Don't blame yourself for her being off. That is not fair to you.

[zooropa]

so, T called me back. I was in the middle of doing school work and she caught me off guard, so it took me a minute to figure out what I was going to say. I hate that.

I told her that I felt "not good, just bad" when I left today, and that I didn't feel any connection with her, and I wanted to make sure it wasn't because of something that I did or said.

She said she was going to "be real" with me, that she's done that in the past and it's been ok. I said, yeah, that's ok.

Turns out that yesterday was the anniversary of the death of someone close to her. She said "if I seemed distracted or distant or just not as present as usual, that's why. I don't have anything going on with you that would cause that."

I felt...honored, I guess? That she would tell me that. That she was willing to hear me say "what's up?" and that she didn't get defensive or deflect the question. She must trust me, too, at least a little.

I also felt relieved. I told her that I tried to think about it objectively, and that I couldn't think of any reason she would be angry with me, but I have a lot of self-doubt. We talked for a little while about where that comes from, for me (childhood. shocking.)

T said she is role modeling for me, and I really appreciate that. I want to be the kind of mom for my kids that my T is for me, emotionally. She also congratulated me for trusting my instincts, and said that I'm a very instinctual person.

I thanked her for being so honest and open with me, and I said I'm sorry to hear about that person's death, that I know that must have been hard for her.

I definitely, definitely felt connected to T by the end of the phone call.

[googley]

I'm so glad she was honest with you. I'm glad you were able to connect with her again.

[jexa]

Ahhh now it all makes sense! I know what you mean about feeling honored that T would share that with you. It's like she trusts you with this personal information.. she wouldn't share that with just any of her clients, but she chose to share it with you. I'm so glad you got that connection with T, zoo.

[mobius]

I'm so glad you were able to connect on the phone, zoo. I'll admit, the first thing I thought when I read your description was that your therapist was newly pregnant, what with the peeing and the forgetfulness!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by mobius

I'm so glad you were able to connect on the phone, zoo. I'll admit, the first thing I thought when I read your description was that your therapist was newly pregnant, what with the peeing and the forgetfulness!

rofl! That would be something. She's a middle aged lesbian.

I have noticed that she usually uses the bathroom right before my sessions, and I've known her to leave group to pee. So I think she has a small bladder, and also drinks a lot of coffee. My sessions are 90 mins, too, so that makes it even harder. I'm glad she went, because I didn't want her sitting there thinking about her bladder the whole time I was talking. It was just out of character for her, and of course I automatically thought it was about me. Isn't everything??

[rainbow8]

zoo, I'm glad you connected with your T and that it wasn't about YOU at your session. I knew it wasn't. I would feel honored if my T shared something like that with me too.

(((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))

Isn't it amazing how one little piece of information from T can make all the difference? I'm so grateful that my T will self-disclose to me...my spiraly guesses about what's going on with him can send me into all kinds of bad places.

Yay for feeling connected again

[zooropa]

I do that so much, make up stories in my head about what must be going on. Even in a case like this when I'm pretty sure it's about T and not about me, I can spiral out about it: T is sick. T is moving away. T is trying to distance herself from me because next week she's going to fire me. T can't stand being in the room with me. T started drinking again. T is bored with me after 2 years and wishes she was done with me. T has another client that she's worried about. T thinks I'm too close to her and she's trying to separate herself from me. And on and on and on.

SO much easier to just ASK her.

[Sannah]

Good work Zoo, you figured out what the issue was for you then asked for clarification from your T!

[mobius]

I'm glad she went, because I didn't want her sitting there thinking about her bladder the whole time I was talking. It was just out of character for her, and of course I automatically thought it was about me. Isn't everything??

Except when it's about me

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I do that so much, make up stories in my head about what must be going on. Even in a case like this when I'm pretty sure it's about T and not about me, I can spiral out about it: T is sick. T is moving away. T is trying to distance herself from me because next week she's going to fire me. T can't stand being in the room with me. T started drinking again. T is bored with me after 2 years and wishes she was done with me. T has another client that she's worried about. T thinks I'm too close to her and she's trying to separate herself from me. And on and on and on.

SO much easier to just ASK her.

Yeah, I do that a lot...I catastrophize about everything in life. And I would say 90% of my worries are unfounded. That's awesome she shared that with you.

I'm sorry you had such an unsettling session, but it's so great that you were able to ask her directly. And I'm really glad that T validated that your instincts were correct and gave you an honest explanation for her behaviour.

[WikidPissah]

(((zoo))) I would have went right into why it's my fault too! I am responsible for the world spinning...did you know that?

I'm so glad your T got back to you and things got straightened out. I am glad your trauma work is done too...though I have no idea what that would feel like. A mixed bag I guess. Be extra kind to yourself.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

(((zoo))) I would have went right into why it's my fault too! I am responsible for the world spinning...did you know that?

I'm so glad your T got back to you and things got straightened out. I am glad your trauma work is done too...though I have no idea what that would feel like. A mixed bag I guess. Be extra kind to yourself.

between you, me, and mobius I guess we keep the world rotating pretty well, lol.

It is a mixed bag as far as being done with the telling the story part of trauma. I have other trauma, though, and T said we will start on that next. It's hard to imagine it will be worse than the year it took me to get through this crap, but the stuff I have to talk about now is the CSA and, while it was less shattering physically, it goes deeper and is much older than the SA we just finished, and took place over the course of years and decades, not just minutes and hours.

I do really wonder, though, if I am alone with the SA again now. I don't want to be. I certainly always thought I would be free from nightmares and stuff when I "finished". I think what T knew and didn't want to say is just that we are never really done.

[ECHOES]

zoo, after what you've just been through being sick and all, I am glad that you were able to find a way to feel connected to T after an 'off' session.

I also think it's really a sign of growth that you were able to wonder what was up with her and that it was out of character for her. Even though you thought it was about you (I would have too ) you also wondered what was up with her and really identified it as her being off.