[rainbow8]

My T feels that my emails to her are getting to be unproductive. I sent 5 this week because I was upset about the poems and my thread. She said my whole week then centered around her and the emails, and it's not good for me. We agreed to go back to the way we started out. I can email her once and she responds. I can email more but I can't send them to her. She said she's setting this boundary for my sake, not because she doesn't care about me.

Re: my thread. She doesn't like that I'm getting opinions about my therapy from non-professionals and I'm accepting those opinions. She believes in her methods, and as my T, she believes they are going to help me. She said she is aware of my BPD traits and doesn't think that's a reason not to do IFS. The bottom line, though she didn't say it in these words, is that she thinks I'm spending too much time on PC talking about my therapy.

After all that, we got to letting my child parts talk. She said the goal is to make me feel better, and not talk about her trip, but she wanted to hear when in RL have I felt those feelings. We got back to that little girl who wants to hold T's hand and why it doesn't work when I try to comfort her.
I told her how depressed I felt when she told me we are going to work on me being able to comfort the child instead of her. She said she KNOWS I get upset every time she mentions it, but she's not going to stop talking about it because it's what we're working on.

I always say that I don't know what the child part of me didn't get, and T encouraged me to just accept that she didn't get all of her needs met. That was hard for me to do. Then, with 10 minutes left, T sat down next to me and held my hand. She wanted to know how that felt, and where in my body. I said my stomach felt calmer and I felt safe. She wanted me to sit with those feelings, then she gradually withdrew her hand but made sure I could still feel the calm feelings.

So, this time I cried in my car, probably because I don't feel so good about not getting everything I want from T. She's right about the emails, though. They don't always help me, but I need to accept that even if they don't, I can only email once. In a way, I'm glad she's setting a boundary because it shows she cares about me. It hurts over and over (the trip rubbed it in) that I'm not part of her life. Just like my other therapies.

I don't know. I had to get this out instead of emailing her.

[jexa]

(((((((rainbow))))))))) Oh this does sound like a hard session. But you know, it sounds like a hard session in the BEST kind of way. That is, this sounds like a beautiful move toward progress, even in the midst of the pain it may have caused.

[granite1]

rain it was so hard for me to read this post i can feel your struggles with all this .as much as i can understand you T decisions wow it must hurt so bad

[bpd2]

Rainbow, !
I agree with jexa--sounds like this was hard in the best kind of way.
My T and I are assessing how my following threads in PC in affecting me, how much time I spend on it, what it does for me, what I might not be doing instead. I think it's a good thing to do. I'll let you know what he says.

[geez]

((((( rainbow )))))

[rainbow8]

I know you are right, bpd2 and jexa. I am in such pain, but it's like growing pains. I didn't want this T to be like the others, but she is, except that I like her so much better because she's so nice and gentle. They couldn't all be wrong, so I have to keep going, keep plugging away at this.

It hurts SO much. Not just about the emails, but to realize again--duh! I've only known this for 15 years or so, that therapy is about my real life more than my "in-session" life. It's about the unmet child needs even if I don't know why I have them. I am grateful that my T believes that holding her hand will help me hold onto the connection and feeling of safety when I'm not with her. If I have that, hopefully I won't need her and can get on with my life, which of course she encourages me to do all of the time.

granite, thank you for always being here and posting in my threads.

[PreacherHeckler]

(((((((Rainbow))))))) I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I wish I knew what to say that would help you feel better.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It hurts SO much. .... to realize again ... that therapy is about my real life more than my "in-session" life.

It's about the unmet child needs even if I don't know why I have them.

Does real life feel like too much for that inner child? When children are growing up they don't have to balance the 2. They can just focus on being a child and getting their needs met (if they are in a functional family). Do you feel that there just isn't any space for that inner, wounded child?

(((((((((((((((rainbow))))))))))))))))

It does sound painful

I did find out that I could get what I needed within the boundaries of the therapy relationship....not necessarily what I *wanted*, but DEFINITELY what I *needed*. For a long, long time there was a part of me that longed for more...more attention, more time, just more of T.

It took time for me to really FEEL that getting what I needed was good enough. MORE than good enough, really. I had enough of T to meet those child needs, and to let me feel what it feels like to be loved and cared for...but not enough to meet ALL of my needs, and eventually, I had to be brave enough to turn to my H and my friends to get some of those needs met. In the end, that has been a huge gift.

Growing "pains" are called that for a reason. Hang in there, rainbow

[WePow]

(((((Rainbow))))))

[peaches100]

(((((Rainbow)))))

Yes, that sounds like a very hard session!! I'm sorry it brought up so many painful feelings for you.

I see many differences in this t from your others. She is not like your last t, who would not touch you or let you talk about your child part. This t will hold your hand when you need it, and allows your child self to express feelings. She wants you to feel good when with her and about her. Yet she realizes the need for balance. She wants your therapy to help you in your whole life, and not "be" your whole life. Even though it hurts, it sounds like she is setting limits in a most caring way with you. Limits don't take away the relationship; they just remind us not to put the relationship in the place of all the other important people and activities we have going on in our lives.

I know this is "easier said than done," and I deeply feel your pain. But I also see myself in you, and this is a lesson for me also.

Since you only have 1 email per week you can send her, let it say the most important things you need to tell her. If other things come up that feel urgent, write them down to bring with you to your session.

((((((((((Rainbow)))))))))) You're going to be OK.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, preacher. I like the colors!
Sannah: I don't know the answer to your question. I'm crying a lot today because I am feeling sad for the child--me. T yesterday got me to that place for a minute or so, instead of intellectualizing. I have something tangible to feel sad about even though I still don't know why.

tree: thank you. Yes, T in some important ways yesterday gave me what I NEEDED, not what I WANTED. She steered the conversation away from her. That hurt. She limited my emails. That hurt. She said she will continue talking about the time I'll be able to comfort the child parts myself. That hurt. She talked about helping me feel better. That hurt and felt good at the same time, as if she slapped me and hugged me simultaneously. She said that being able to comfort the child parts doesn't mean I have to quit therapy.

But she thought I NEEDED to hold her hand. That felt good and I can "feel" that connection now.

WePow: Thank you.

Peaches: Thank you for reminding me how my T differs from my last one.
I agree. I hurt the same way, though. I feel the hurt all over me but it must be coming from the child parts. My T is "touching" them, or at least one of them, and making her feel sad but not so alone. Something was different in this session. The hurt and pain are together with the knowledge that I still have that "blanket of love" from my T. She wants me to feel better. She cares. I'm real to her, not invisible. I matter to her!

[PreacherHeckler]

Yes, you do matter to her, Rainbow. And your child parts matter to her, and she knows they need to matter and they need to be heard. Like Peaches said, this T is different because she knows that all parts of you need to be valued and heard and not dismissed and ignored. Your old T was denying those parts the opportunity to heal by trying to force YOU to suppress them. It doesn't work. It just covers things up for awhile but inside you become a pressure cooker ready to explode.
My child parts feel valued and heard by my T even though they were disappointed to learn he could not meet their need for him to act as the good parent they desperately wanted. It takes lots of time but eventually you can work through the pain of unmet needs and the child parts will appreciate the limits of the therapy relationship because ultimately it will feel safe to know that your T is looking out for them by not creating an unhealthy dependency.
In the meantime, it does hurt a lot... but just keep talking about it as much as you need to. It WILL feel better.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, Preacher. I just wrote an email to my T but saved it to send later. I once asked T how am I going to survive my feelings. She said I will and that I always have. I have to believe that's true.

This sounds so difficult and painful. I think you're handling it with great grace, and in a very skilful way. Thinking of you.

[WikidPissah]

((((rainbow)))) I'm sorry that you hurt right now, but it really does sound like your T has your very best interest in mind. She cares about the child parts, and she cares about what you are taking into your mind (ie: too much pc). With one email per week, maybe you can write a little bit of an email everyday and save it, then on one set day of the week send the entire thing. This way it would be a daily email, but sent all at once. Would that help you feel connected?

[PreacherHeckler]

I like that idea, Eileen -- writing a little each day and sending it as one email. Rainbow, she didn't give you a limited word count, did she? I mean, she DID say one email but as far as I know she never said it had to be short...

Sometimes when I'm feeling shy about e-mailing T for whatever reason, I'll write an e-mail and save it in my drafts. I decide I'll send it the next day if I still want to. Usually, I will add to it, edit it, add a little more and over the course of a few days, I don't even need to send it anymore. Just the process of getting things down on paper, and knowing I will tell T about them eventually, sort of helps me. Then, when I go to my session, I have some clarity about what I need to talk about.

I didn't plan for the e-mails I save in my drafts to work out that way, but they just did.

I'm finding that the less I e-mail T, the less I need to e-mail him. I really CAN get through my feelings, I just needed to experience it to really believe it was possible.

Hang in there, Rainbow.

[rainbow8]

I was also wondering if I could send T ONE email, but it would be about 5 pages long! Seriously, it's not been the norm for me to want to email her more than once during the week. I usually have a need to connect with her and tell her my feelings right after the session, the same day or the next morning. Then she answers, and I'm fine. Unless something she replies upsets me, which is not usually the case.

So, it seems it's my immediate "after session" reaction that seems urgent to tell her. The best thing about my T was, I felt, that she allowed me to email her instead of being miserable with no outlet after my sessions with Bt. I kept asking her if she was going to "take that away from me" and she kept saying 'no.' So I feel she went back on her word; she broke her promise to me. But I also broke mine to her. It was going to just be 1 email, not a barrage of back and forth dialogue.

So, if I can go back to what I started out with, it will be okay. I email her after the session, she replies, and that's it. If I keep adding on, it may defeat the purpose. I have to see what happens. So far, I didn't send the email because I am still processing my session.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm crying a lot today because I am feeling sad for the child--me. T yesterday got me to that place for a minute or so, instead of intellectualizing. I have something tangible to feel sad about even though I still don't know why.

Very good work Rainbow!

[sugahorse1]

Wow - that was hard work. Congrats!
I've been in a very similar position. My used to be OK with the occasional text or e-mail, and has now asked me to stop, unless it revolves around setting appointments.
It hurt like hell when she first told me. That there were going to be boundaries.
I am also busy learning not to make therapy my life, just a small part, that sets me up to tackle life.
I also have 2 parts to me - the logical one, and another. The Other I've always thought of as my Bipolar side, or more recently possibly my BPD side. But the more I think about it, maybe it is my child part. I am not brave enough to always voice my feelings and thoughts that come from my child part.
My child/other part would love to be hugged and held, and have continuous affirmations of how I'm cared for and loved. But I cannot bring myself to mention this in T.

I agree with Treehouse's way of handling e-mails. I did the same the other day. I am not meant to send e-mails, but was just in such a bad place, I was going to break that boundary regardless. I typed the mail and then left it in my drafts. I checked back a few hours later, re-read it, and decided not to send it. I'd managed to work through a lot of those feelings, and rather than stepping across that boundary, I thought I'd force myself to be stronger.

I commend you on being so strong in your therapy. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for!

[WePow]

((((( Rainbow )))))))

You are doing very well and being very strong! If my T took the email away from me at this point, I would stop seeing him totally. I just could not handle "knowing I was right - that he was just one more person who would finally have enough of me and turn his back on me." But that is my cognitive distortion thinking. You are doing so great because you are able to see between the black and whites!