not here

Hey

I'm sorry I'm so "not here" right now.

I went away this weekend, and although I expected it to be triggering, I was really prepared, and I did really well. I had sort of a cold head-to-toe fear as I pulled off of the interstate, but I said out loud to the person I was with "ugh, something bad happened to me here when I was little and I feel all scared" and just saying it out loud sort of helped, and it really didn't bother me for the rest of the time i was there.

But. Yesterday afternoon, at home, something really horribly triggering happened from completely, COMPLETELY out of the blue. I told T it's kind of like how after I had my first baby I intellectually was able to remember "that hurt" but until I had my second baby, I didn't remember exactly how it felt. Something happened that made me remember exactly how something felt. And. I'm just having a really really REALLY hard time with it. I feel like THE grossest, most disgusting, most BAD person in the world. Like, REALLY.

I did see T today and before I left we talked about how my job this week would be to keep the past and the present separated. And if it gets messy and confusing, I should call or e-mail. And I will, but it's not just the separation I'm having trouble with. I'm having trouble forgiving/understanding the child me.

I just want SO badly to basically always feel okay. I know life will have ups and downs, and that's fine...but I almost don't think I can STAND these out of the blue triggers anymore. I really can not stand it. I want it to stop SOOOOO badly, and it's frustrating that after all of this work in therapy, a trigger can come out of nowhere like this and affect me SO deeply.

So, I guess that's why I'm not here right now, and I'm sorry I can't be a good support I'll get through this and than I'll be able to post more.

((((tree)))) I totally understand that awful triggered feeling...hope you get thru it!

((((((((((Tree)))))))))))) You are doing so well with all of this. I am sorry it hurt so much. Just take care of you and little Tree.

Tree you are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself

Everyone goes through there ups and downs I know I do There are some weeks where I sit in the support room for chat as I feel really low and I'm constantly posting SOS calls in the forums. Ican relate to the feeling like your not contributing as I carrry that on my shoulders at times to. But think of it this way... Just your post alone can help people even if you think you are the only one getting help.

I underlined the two sentences you wrote as they rang out to me loud and clear. It's like you took the thoughts and words out of my head. It's something I will be exploring in therapy and I hope you can do the same. Sending you comforting thoughts and lots of hugs

PS - your post helped me 'grow' a little more. Thank you

(((((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))) you amaze me.

((((tree))))) I think you're amazing too. Be easy on yourself.

The birth is such a good analogy. I had that happen once in therapy, when something T said triggered me, but he knew it would, and he warned me first, and then womp! I felt like grabbing onto him for dear life. But it was not as bad as the first time we went over it in therapy (I had thought I was "over" it). It was like a strong echo of pain. And it has come up again once since, and it was still there, but weaker. I think it just takes time.... Many hugs for you, (((((tree))))). Don't worry about not posting to others. You will when you feel able. Take care.

I feel your pain.

posted super triggery thing on survivors of abuse board. maybe if someone can read without getting triggered? please please please please please please dont go if you are triggered by CSA. ok?

I was never abused in any way as a child, so I read your post. From reading a lot of people's stories on here, there are a lot of you dealing with this. I don't have anything really helpful to say because I am unable to truly empathize...I can't say "I know what you're going through". But please know this—I am very, very sorry that this happened to each and every one of you. I can't possibly imagine. Take care of yourself.

This does work really well. I use this technique a lot. Getting it out in the open makes it so much easier to deal with.

I'll bet going to this place and handling it so well is what allowed other stuff to come forward so that you can now deal with it. It really is best for everything to eventually come forward so that you can resolve it. Keeping this stuff buried still bothers you.

I read your post on the other board and I am so happy that you got the support that you needed over there.

As always, great work Tree!