I asked my therapist for something and he said it wouldn't be good for me. He said he doesn't want me to be too dependant on him. I feel ashamed for asking and I don't want to go back.

What do you do when you don't feel safe in therapy anymore?

[chicken_wing]

hi roseleigh. i cannot offer advice but i currently feel the same way. i am sorry that you too feel unsafe. i hope that others have good advice to share for you and me both.

[PreacherHeckler]

Roseleigh, I went through this with my T and I also felt terribly ashamed and humiliated. I almost quit therapy to search for a T who would give me what I wanted but he encouraged me to come back and talk to him about it instead of running away in pain.
I won't lie to you -- this isn't a one or two session process -- this issue came up in many, many sessions over a long period of time, but he helped me realize that the shame and humiliation came from being told that my needs were shameful when I was young. He said that people who weren't abused and humiliated for having needs as children don't have that kind of reaction when someone doesn't meet a need because they don't feel bad about having needs in the first place. He was gentle but firm in his explanations about why he felt it wouldn't be good for me in the context of our relationship but he also made it very clear that my needs themselves were not shameful or bad, they were normal and I deserve to have those needs met just like he has his needs met by other people in his life. It took a LOT of talking and crying and tantrums (mine, not his) before I really understood what he was trying to teach me but it was worth the pain and the effort because I am beginning to feel more comfortable asking other people for something I need and I no longer feel ashamed or humiliated if I am told no.
I know how horribly humiliating it feels... but I would try to talk about it with him. Maybe he can help you understand where he's coming from.

(((((((((((((roseleigh)))))))))))))

Ugh, I have been there too. When I have asked my T for things I've really NEEDED but couldn't get, I've been SO filled with shame. Even if it's just something as simple as asking for an extra session because I'm having a hard time, and he doesn't have any openings.

It's been really REALLY hard for me to learn that if I can ask for whatever I want/need, and it's OKAY, and if T can say yes or no, and THAT is okay too. It was hard for me to get that, and own it. It took a lot of time and a lot of practice and a lot of reassurance and a lot of faith.

I know it's so hard to go back, but go. T is still the same safe T. You are still good.

[bpd2]

I wonder if this will help...it's a little to the left of what's been said so far.....Here goes: when I ask my t for something, and it's denied and I feel ashamed for asking, there is also, inevitably, guilt. As we are working through the feelings and thoughts, the guilt surfaces. What he says is, "It's not your job to worry about how I feel; it's mine. And it's my job to take care of my boundaries not yours. Nothing you have done hurts me, and none of this hurts the therapeutic relationship. Got it?"

Wanna ask me how many times we've had this conversation?.....don't bother: we'd be counting for an hour........

But where I was headed with this is that sometimes we don't separate shame and guilt. At least this conversation with him gets rid of the guilt...well, maybe after a repetition or two. And that leaves the shame which is about, for me, not having anyone else in my life that I trust to ask. But that's not true anymore. I can count the number of people I trust outside of therapy on one toe--and it's not the same person for different things--but, still....I'm starting to be brave enough to try asking for what I need...

It takes time. Lots and lots of time....

[noname1000]

I'm sorry :-( I am so afraid of feeling that shame and humiliation, that I rarely even get that far in asking just to avoid the feelings - and I don't even know if the answer will be "no!" So I just wanted to tell you that I think you're brave just for asking. But I am really sorry the answer was not what you'd hoped for.

[chicken_wing]

i've asked my therapist for some of arguably the most ridiculous things, which were of course denied, and i have told her some of the most shameful things about me. i am confident though that she doesn't judge me. i am the only one judging myself harshly in the wrong. your therapist probably doesn't think anything negative about you and your requests.

as far as what to do about not feeling safe...as I said before I am in the same boat with you but maybe thinking that your therapist doesn't judge you will help you feel more comfortable.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by chicken_wing

i've asked my therapist for some of arguably the most ridiculous things, which were of course denied, and i have told her some of the most shameful things about me. i am confident though that she doesn't judge me. i am the only one judging myself harshly in the wrong.

I like to analyze things, even when others don't like it. So here is my analysis of the mechanism of this: if you judge yourself quickly enough, you can sidestep the judgement that you anticipate coming from others, the terrible feelings that you get when your desire to interact with them is blocked by their responses. It is easier to anticipate those terrible feelings than to be aware your desire to connect, and then have it suddenly rebuffed.

Thank you all for your input and kindness.
I wanted to give a little update.

I think we worked this out. He said I do not have to worry about boundaries. He will take care of all that. I do not have to worry about being too dependant. He will help me have the right amount of dependency.

Of course I still will worry, because that is what we do, right?

Anyway, I am feeling better about this.

[sugahorse1]

I'm too scared to ask for what I really want for fear of rejection. Being told "no" - that's painful for me. I know it sounds like an immature response, but that's me. I wish I could be stronger and try understand the reason behind the "no". Then my logical self-will work it out and understand, but my BP/BPD part battles to understand...