[rainbow8]

I was so glad that my session didn't get canceled today. I learned a lot, had many insights with the help of my T. I know it's a broken record how much I like her, but I just have to say it again! But she's not so unusual I decided. It's that our personalities fit. Most of my other Ts were too domineering, too strong for me. They intimidated me though they didn't mean to. This T makes it easy for me to talk. She's gentle, and that's what I need right now.

We talked about my marriage and how to work on it. I didn't know that was going to take an hour! It might be productive for my H to come in, we decided, but I'm still undecided. It depends what happens with the child issues.

I am so lucky I have 1 1/2 hours so there was half an hour left to get to the "child" stuff a little bit, though we didn't do IFS. I asked if she thought some incidents in my childhood were abuse (my other Ts were divided on that question) and she said it doesn't matter because obviously they caused me much distress, enough so the "child" part got scared last week. She thinks something may have happened that I don't remember though I said I told her everything I know about my childhood. I don't know if my brother's wanting me to "play" with him was abuse. He was just a pest. It was just touching, but he was older and I didn't like it. My Ts all knew about those incidents.

No one was trying to harm me back then; it was child's play but they were either older or more powerful than I was. We were all kids. They did something but it wasn't SA, just embarrassing and out of line. I thought it was my fault because I wasn't able to talk to them, but T says it's my family and environment that caused me the anxiety about not talking. She says that she knows my parents loved me, but they made mistakes and I may SAY that I know that, but I don't feel it.

I don't know about that....maybe she's right. I can't quite understand that concept yet.

At the end of the session, I had no choice because it was time to write my check, I asked her about the baby and child parts climbing into her heart. I looked directly at her when I asked! She thought and asked if she could change it a little to have ME hold onto her and the child parts inside of me, not her. I said that felt like she was rejecting me and she wanted to know why. I don't know what I said. Maybe about wanting to be with her in her house, etc. She said she will be with me and my parts the same way. I don't know; somehow she convinced me it was okay. I asked if she would shrink down so SHE could fit in my heart and she said "sure" or "of course" or something. She said she and I would both be there taking care of the baby,the 3 yr. old, and the 5 yr. old, and the older parts could be there too. I had asked her about "me" too.

She wanted me to take her bear with me and I agreed that was a better idea than her taking it. I can also email her once because she's not going out of town. I didn't ask if she meant once each week or not. She's so nice; I think I could if I needed to. It's okay if I email even though I didn't have to last week.

I said I was exposed to stomach flu so she just held out her arms when I left and said she didn't want to catch it, but she was giving me a big hug.

I feel somewhat stirred up because of the new thoughts/insights she put into my head. They aren't totally new to me, just a little different perspective. I didn't discuss how much I post here. I know when it's good for me and when it's not. I can't keep all this about my session inside of me and where else can I go? Our forum is special!!!!

[granite1]

all this sounds so meaningfull.are you going to see her again before the holidays

[googley]

Rainbow.

I'm so glad that you had a wonderful session with your T. I'm glad you were able to be honest with her.

It is hard to know if those types of things were abuse. There really doesn't seem to be the language to describe what children do in these situations. I'm sorry your T couldn't give you an answer. I agree that at some point it doesn't really matter what it is called, but that it is distressing to you.

[rainbow8]

granite, yes it's meaningful. I see my T on December 28th, if that's a Tuesday.

googley: My first T years ago was sure it was abuse. I don't think the others were sure because, though there was a 5 year age difference, it didn't have the feeling of "abuse" to me. Something when I was older was an invasion of privacy, and felt more like abuse to me though I didn't know it was happening. Sorry to be so vague; I don't feel comfortable with details.

The other incident was hurtful to me, but it wasn't malicious. Still, that's the one that I blocked our for years until I was in therapy and it's the first thing I talked about with all of my Ts. So, definitely these incidents affected me. I've talked about them plenty, but maybe I need to feel them, something I haven't done until this T.

[granite1]

rain i often wonder if the csa i encountered would be consitered that or trama or anything.still do because i willingly participated in it.he always made it into a game for the most part for the longest time.than things got worse but i always participated.didnt know it was wrongstill to this day i am always confused about it.but i agree it doesnt really matter. if it affected you it is important.

[seventyeight]

rainbow, i think it's interesting how your session worked out. the "hug" at the end is a good metaphor for how things can be in reality.. like she wanted to hug you, you wanted to hug her, but for reasons beyond both of your control - you couldn't. this didn't mean that the love and support wasn't there, it just meant that it couldn't be displayed in that way at that moment. and instead, you both did what you could to connect with each other in a way that was mutually safe and healthy.

i think this is a good representation of a lot of what the therapy process is really like. there are things that we want, that our therapists probably want as well, that neither one can give - for reasons beyond your control. again, this doesn't mean that the love and support isn't there, it just can't always be displayed - regardless of the actual connection.

anyway, there's my insight on your insights!

[rainbow8]

Thanks, granite. I don't know what to do, how to process what happened to me. My other Ts just listened and that was about it. If I treat it as trauma, I suppose there's a way to process it. I don't like EMDR. Maybe more talking about it. My T thinks it's important because of my feeling scared at my last session. I will have to let her be in charge of how to proceed, as I'm at a loss. It's not like there's any major abuse. In my case, it didn't lead to anything else.

[WePow]

awesome!!!

[rainbow8]

WePow, I'm confused. What is awesome? I feel frustrated in therapy, though it's good and I have a secure attachment to T like I never had with any other. But I feel like there's nothing to discuss about those incidents any more. They affected me. So what? You mean I should trust that she will know what to do? I also like her advice about my marriage.

[rainbow8]

seventyeight: I forgot to thank you for your insight about the "hug." It was very good. Reminds me of when my former T said she couldn't hang up a poem I wrote about therapy because she said it wouldn't be right to do it for one client and she had to be careful what she hung on her wall. Huge contrast to my T now, but that's not the point. I told her "I know that if you could have hung it up you would have, and that's good enough for me" Wow, she thought that was huge progress on my part.

[WePow]

Rainbow - sorry reply was short and off - I am mentally not well right. But I was thinking it was awesome that at least you could come HERE to share. That is something - I think? And it is great that it sounds like you are able to really make progress.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, WePow. I know you're going through a hard time now. Don't feel you have to post in my threads. I know you CARE about me and I appreciate the "thanks for this" you often post to me even if you don't write!

[WePow]

You just helped me more than you may every now. BIG BIG hugs!